Orange Bucksnorts

So long, Internet

2009-11-03T07:31:00.001-08:00

You may have noticed that I havent been around for a while. That's because I've decided to hang up the old blogging shoes. It just started to feel like a chore and not something that I enjoyed doing anymore. So I'm killing it off.

I wanted to wait until the Donks lost before I posted the 'ol farewell, lest I jinx them into a loss. I figured I would be writing this a month ago, but Surprise, Surprise! they ran it to 6-0 before getting bitch-slapped by Baltimore on Sun. In an amazing twist of events, the Broncos are actually pretty good and the new guy might not be the biggest dipshit in Colorado after all. Color me shocked. What happens from here on out? Well, the schedule doesn't get any easier, but the Donks have such a strangle-hold on the division that I don't think even the 2008 Denver Broncos could piss this one away. One game within .500 over the remaining nine games will probably win the division. Not too shabby for a team I thought was bound for the shitter.

Thanks to everyone who read this piece of crap while it was operating. Especially Kyle and JD over at Bronco Talk, The Commish from Slushy Gutter. Phony from "Pretzels", Banky, 7 and Cecil at the HOG (FLC Represent!), Bird and Q for the technical support. And especially to the good people at onlineseats.com. I still can't believe someone actually paid me for this garbage.

It was fun while it lasted. Thanks for the memories. And these frickin' sweet socks!

This Week in One Picture - Preseason Week 2

2009-08-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

Reggie Rivers. I'm not prone to hyperbole, but Reggie Rivers is, bar-none, the absolute worst NFL analyst ever. EVER. No one's even close. Hate on Maguire, Kornheiser, Siragusa, et al. all you want, every single one of them is light years better than Reggie.

You'd need a team of mathematicians and theoretical physicists, all of them with their TI-81's blazing to calculate the number of factual mistakes and brain-damaged analytical misreads that Reggie makes in a game. It's staggering.

If I were to type up the list of Reggie's fuck-ups I made while I was watching the game on Sunday, the internet would explode, but here are a couple of examples:

1) He harped on for several plays how Coach Dipshit still hadn't let Brandstater throw a pass yet, when Tommy B's very first play was a little swing.

2) He ripped on how the Donks lined up in a running formation and then ran the ball on four straight series opening plays, then when the Donks lined up in the EXACT SAME FORMATION, said "Broncos may throw out of this."

3) He said Texas had the trademark on the phrase "The 12th Man."

4) Jaws, this guy aint. I'm pretty sure I can read and break down film better than Reggie. He verbally fellated Peyton Hillis for a stiffarm on former Donk LB D.D. Lewis, when Lewis had already been tripped up and was falling to the ground. "What a good job by Peyton!" Jesus.

Do me a favor Reggie and go back to PBS.

Hey, Brett Favre

2009-08-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

I've got some advice for you.

Buy a new hat. Then kill yourself.

This Week in One Picture - Preseason Week 1

2009-08-17T10:58:00.001-07:00

My investigation into the matter has revealed something I've suspected for a while.

Kyle Orton sucks elephant balls.

Not Guilty!

2009-08-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

Harvey Steinberg wins another one. He's the attorney to the (local) stars!

Footbaww!

2009-08-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

The road to 5-11 begins tonight!

Pain Train derailed

2009-08-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

OUT: Ryan Torain, RB

The next Earl Campbell was injured for most of last season and got hurt again during camp. The Donks finally said fuck this guy and handed him his walking papers. "Pain Train" my ass. More like "Always in Pain" Torain, amirite?

They signed some guy named Marcus Thomas to fill his camp spot. Not the guns n' blow, Marcus Thomas, this is a different one.

I hope both of the Thomas' make the final roster, because I want to see how they handle that shit on the back of the jersey.

In other news, Brandon Marshall is in a GA courtroom as we speak on trial for misdemeanor battery charges. Lindsay Jones from the Post is live-blogging it or something. Stay tuned!

Crybaby RB bailed on his markers

2009-08-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

Lamont Jordan, forever known around these parts as the guy that bawled like an infant with a scraped knee on the sidelines of a Raiders loss in Denver back in aught-six, owes the Mirage $20K.

The suit filed in Clark County Court states that Jordan entered the casino on several occasions in June of 2008 where he took out several lines of credits ranging from $1000 to $6000. When those lines of credit were presented to the Bank of America in an attempt to collect payment, 3 were returned as "unable to locate account" and three more were returned as "not sufficient funds".

$1 - $6K? That's it? You call that gambling, Lamont? What kind of a baller are you anyway? Michael Jordan is laughing his ass off right now. "Six grand? Awww...that's cute"

Hell, even Art Schlichter is probably having a chuckle.

I hope they have to cut your foot off at some point

2009-08-07T06:45:00.000-07:00

Former QB (above) went on a Shittycago radio station yesterday and took a poorly executed shot at Broncos fans:

"In Denver, we didn't have this many fans at all," he said. "We weren't even able to accommodate that many fans (at practice). That's Chicago Bears fans for you. They're proud of their Bears.

"It's a lot (different). Denver's like a 6 and Chicago's like a 9. It's a quite bit different. Just the fans and how passionate they are, that's probably the biggest difference"

Somehow the fact that the Bears facility at some shitass community college in nowhere Illinois holds five times as many fans as Dove Valley adds up to "That's Chicago Bears fans for you. They're proud of their Bears." and "Denver's like a 6."

What a fucking idiot. You know....this asshole still owns a house in this town. It wouldn't be a terrible thing if some lunatic out there reading this were to burn it down to the foundation.

August 30, you clown ass motherfucker. I might actually break my "no money on the Donks this year" pledge and go to this game just so I can hurl whiskey bottles at your head from the 500 level.

Seriously, fuckstain. Ask Joey Porter what happens in Denver.

Former QB making new friends already

2009-07-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

Brian Urlacher thinks Gay Buttler is a pussy.

I'm going to have to side with Urlacher here. He is a pussy. And if there's one thing Urlacher knows, it's huge vaginas.

I should probably post something, I guess

2009-07-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

The least anticipated camp since I was old enough to care about what training camp was opened yesterday.

It's a new, shitty era of Broncos footyball! Taste the excellence!

Oops

2009-07-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

No one cares probably, but sorry about that whole golf thing last weekend. My bad.

In all fairness to me though, Battlefield 1943 is frickin' awesome!

5pm MTN

2009-07-18T13:47:00.001-07:00

Word 'round the campfire

2009-07-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

The law factory may now be monitoring my computer "activities." Which means that the furious posting pace I've achieved over here may be curbed somewhat. Also, no more porn I guess. Either way, I'll be back at some point this weekend with that retro-diary from the big celebrity golf tournament that I promised you clowns last week.

I'm a real sweetheart like that.

Golf!

2009-07-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

The granddaddy of all of the celebrity golf tour events is next week, the American Century Championship from Lake Tahoe. John will be participating for the 19th straight year. He's the only guy to play in this tournament every year it's been held. He finished 10th last year.

So what does The G.O.A.T. have in his bag? A Ping Rapture driver, Ping G10 fairway woods and hybrid/recovery club, Ping i10 irons (4-9), a Scotty Cameron putter and the ball everyone on tour plays, the Titleist Pro V1x. The best part is that he only plays #7 balls. The one shown above also has the logo from his restaurant stamped on the side.

Other former Donks teeing it up next week: The Mastermind and Old Man Lynch. Jerry Rice is playing too, if you're dumb enough to consider him a former Bronco.

Predictions:
1) John finishes in the top ten.
2) Either Steve Bartkowski, Grant Fuhr, Dan Quinn, Rick Rhoden, Mark Rypien or Billy Jo Tolliver will win. One of them always does.
3) Shanny gives an awkward interview where he wishes the Donks and Coach Pyle nothing but the best. He'll be lying. He'll then go back to his hotel and light a Montecristo with one of Bowlen's $1000 bills.
4) Charles Barkley will snap hook a drive into the gallery and brain some idiot who was stupid enough to stand anywhere near Charles Barkley on a golf course.
5) I will do some sort of live blog or running diary of this event. It will be ~~terrible~~ awesome.

~~Turn the channel~~ Stay tuned!

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

Denver Broncos Football Rules!

2009-06-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

Nothing's happening. Gotta move the obits down the page, though. Maybe I'll put some vids up or something ~~later this week~~ right now.

Here's a pretty cool shot from the last time there was any real reason to celebrate Denver Broncos football. It still rules, though! Never forget, chumps.

If you look close, you won't see me. I was there somewhere, though.

This is now a celebrity obituaries blog

2009-06-26T06:48:00.000-07:00

RIP, freakshow.

Sux

2009-06-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

RIP

Huh? What? Smart decisions? From this franchise?

2009-06-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

IN: Casey Wiegmann, C

The best FA pick-up last offseason. He was going into the last year of his contract and wanted some additional security as his career winds down. Here's how an adult goes about getting a new deal:

1) Don't beat on your lady friends.
2) Don't go on nationally televised shows and poorly defend your beating on lady friends.
3) Come to the OTA's and minicamps.
4) Act like a fucking professional.

OUT: Boss Bailey, LB

The worst FA pick-up of last season. The Boss of No Bosses. Guy couldn't stay on the field. He got a lot of guaranteed money, so this was an expensive mistake.

Also OUT: Phony Gwynn.

Shocker!

2009-06-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

Marshall wants out:

This guy goes from "I'm not holding out" to "I want out" in like two weeks. I say let him go. You cannot give him a huge fucking contact with all of the nonsense hanging over his head.

The Donks have other ideas:

"We met after Pat's meeting with Brandon and are going to continue our dialogue with Brandon and his representative," said Broncos coach Josh McDaniels. "We look forward to having Brandon at training camp."

Translation: Fuck off. Keep holding out. Which doesn't make sense. If you stick to your guns and don't pay him and he doesn't get suspended and he holds out until week 7 or whenever it is that you have to report or it doesn't count as a full season contractually, there's no way he re-signs with us next offseason. And you get nothing for him.

This "I'm gonna show everyone who's the fucking boss around here" routine already cost us the best thing this team had going for it. No, get a first and a third for this giant fucking headache now and hope Coach Dipshit doesn't trade them for some magic beans or something.

I hear Jabar Gaffney's awesome anyway.

Best available option

2009-06-13T15:19:00.001-07:00

From this:

Hi, laides. I'm Jay. I'm an Aquarius, I work out regularly and I enjoy long walks on the beach.

To this:

Huzzuwah? bluuhhh?

HT to BT for the Cutler glamour shot

Guess who didn't show for the first mandatory mini...

2009-06-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

The holdout has begun.

Again, I don't get this. There's no way in hell this clown is getting a new deal. Especially not after that on-camera abortion on Outside the Lines a couple of weeks ago.

Also, his misdemeanor trial in GA was pushed back to August, meaning there won't be any confirmation that he won't be suspended (if he's acquitted) until at least two weeks into training-camp.

And what exactly has happened this offseason that would indicate to Marshall or his reps that Coach Pyle would be willing to acquiesce to a petulant "me, me, me" player in any way?

Suck it up, finish out your deal and then move the fuck on out next March. Maybe you and former QB, uniform #6 can reunite in the windy shitty.

Ugh

2009-06-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

In what is fast becoming an awful, awful trend, the Donks are joining the ranks of those selling fucking ad space on their practice jerseys.

Lame-o. How much money are they going to make off of this anyway? Who sees anyone's practice jerseys except the local media outlets? If I was a marketing guy, I wouldn't even offer six-figures to get my logo on someone's practice jersey. Talk about a drop in the bucket. Bowlen could raise that by auctioning off one of his old furs.

There is good news about the Broncos whoring for cash, though:

What's new this year is NFL teams can also put their logos on lottery tickets. Eventually, those Colorado scratch-ticket winners may have to first rub off a series of Broncos helmets or logos.

You gotta play to win, people.

Sux - UPDATE

2009-06-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

Another total bad-ass bites the dust. RIP.

UPDATE: Jerk off like a regular dude, people.

More Marshall

2009-06-03T07:53:00.001-07:00

He's not going to be suspended by the league for the incident with his girlfriend earlier this year.

This is great news. Unitl you consider that he's going on trial in GA later this month for the incident with his ex-girlfriend last season. What happens if he's found guilty?

"The pending case will be subject to review when appropriate," NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said. "The notification he received from our office applied only to the March 1 incident."

Awesome. More suspension drama. Also, he's about due for another police run-in. My money is on an armored-car robbery.

I'm really getting sick of this guy. Here's hoping he signs somewhere else the first chance he gets.

Marshall on OTL: Bitch punched herself in the eye!

2009-06-01T07:03:00.000-07:00

Only Bob Ley came away from that disaster looking good.

Knowshown Moreno can dance

2009-05-29T14:45:00.001-07:00

Jazz Hands!

UPDATE: I've been spelling the guy's name wrong since April. I'm an idiot.

Upper Deck (the baseball, and apparently football, card company) recently held their "NFL Rookie Premiere Photo Shoot," whatever the hell that is. Just read this while I tear my own eyes out:

Seven photo/film stations were decorated across the western half of the coliseum’s football field, each created to deliver the players in various poses and moods that could be used in upcoming Upper Deck football card products. After all, this event represents the first time trading card companies can photograph the recently drafted players in their new professional team uniforms. Station No. 6 would quickly become the most anticipated station of them all, as players were asked to perform their very own “Touchdown Dance” celebrations on video. A vivacious touchdown dance/cheerleader instructor named Mary Riley was recruited by Upper Deck to provide inspiration and enthusiasm to get the players involved. And if all else failed, Upper Deck offered up a Michael Jordan-signed red Chicago Bulls jersey that would go to the winner (suggested retail price: $1,699.99)!

Yes. Let's encourage a bunch of ROOKIES to act like buffoons and then celebrate and reward their jackassery.

But once all the dust (and grass) had settled, it was Denver Broncos gregarious new recruit Knowshown Moreno (RB, Georgia) who walked away as Upper Deck’s first-ever Touchdown Dance Champion. Utilizing bits and pieces of what could have been four separate videos, Moreno was awarded top honors, which included a beautiful, laser-engraved crystallized trophy along with the coveted MJ-signed jersey.

Hey, Upper Deck. Fuck you!

Also, why is my 1990 Ben McDonald card now worth less than a nickel? That thing used to book for $45. Assholes.

Oh yeah, there's awful, awful video:

Remember when people thought Gerald Willhite doing a single back flip was outrageous? I would kill for those days.

HT to Shutdown Corner

Finally!

2009-05-29T13:48:00.000-07:00

OUT: Clint Hurdle, Manager

It's about damn time. He was about as effective a manager as an actual hurdle.

An insane run to the WS in aught-seven (which Hurdle had next-to-nothing to do with) saved his shit last year, but someone finally wised-up to this clown.

This will always be Hurdle's best work.

So long, soulpatch.

The beginning of the end of the Brandon Marshall era

2009-05-29T10:17:00.000-07:00

He wants a new contract. The Donks aren't going to give him one. Partly because they have no idea how his hip is going to be and partly because they don't know yet if he's going to be slapped with a suspension for his latest incident with his crazy-ass girlfriend (as an aside, Outside the Lines is doing an interview w/ the lunatic girlfriend this Sunday. I'll be all over that thing).

In a misguided attempt to force the Denver's hand, he's moved his hip rehab from Dove Valley to Orlando. He swears up and down that he's not going to hold out, but I don't buy that for a second. He's a completely self-obsessed diva wideout. A lengthy hold-out seems like it would be right up Marshall's fucking alley.

Yes, for as good as he is, Marshall is seriously under-paid. HOWEVAH he's not getting a new deal until he shows that he's healthy and the league announces that he's not getting whacked for 4 or 8 games this year. I don't see how moving his rehab to America's Wang helps him out on that score.

I think this is going to end ugly. As it was destined. As has happened with nearly every single "look at me!! I'm the greatest! I'm dancing!" wideout in the history of the NFL.

Hell of a run

2009-05-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

OUT: JJ Arrington, RB

Turns out homeboy needs microfracture surgery on his right knee, and apparently his $3M guaranteed salary and bonus were contingent on him not needing microfracture surgery. So now he gets nothing...and he'll like it. Clears up an insane RB log-jam a little bit. Unfortunately, I think he was the most talended FA RB we signed. Oh well.

Should have been you, Lamont Jordan.

OTA's started up again yesterday. DJ Williams practiced for the first time since his offseason rotator cuff surgery. He'll be playing yet another position this fall in the new 3-4. Apparently called the "Jack." Sam, Will, Mike...get it? It's the ILB slot lined up opposite the TE. It's funny, because I play the Jack a couple of times a day myself.

That's right, the Jack. What did you think I meant, you sick bastard?

Denver Broncos Football Rules!

2009-05-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

Stick around kids, there's some real good toy commercials coming up. I swear.

Thanks, chum......ps

2009-05-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

The NFL Network and Comcast finally worked out their little hissy fit and agreed on a long term deal for the network to remain on Comcast.

No details have been announced, but I'm hoping Comcast won this one. The NFL was being completely insane with their demands.

Anyhoo...back in April it didn't look like they were going to work it out. The network even ran a crawl across the screen every few minutes announcing the impending removal of the network from Comcast and urging everyone (via an innocous sounding website the crawl directed you to) to switch to Direct TV.

Comcast, in an effort to avoid thousands of sports tier customers (myself included) from dumping that tier the second the NFL Network went off the air (I guess Fox Sports Atlantic, the NHL Network and the Speed Channel aren't very big draws?), they offered subscribers either 6 free on-demand movies or free Starz for 12 months.

So to make a terrible story short(er), I took the free Starz and now the NFL Network is staying on Comcast. Awesome. I love free shit!

Nugs!

2009-05-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

Congrats to the Nuggets for rolling past the Mavs into the Western Conference finals.

Dirk Nowitzki is a euro-bitch. Maybe the biggest euro-bitch of them all. Even more of a euro-bitch than the lake-show's Sasha Vaginavich.

If you had told me back in 2006 that the Rox would make it to the World Series and the Nuggets would make it to the conference finals before the Broncos even made it back to the fucking playoffs, I'd have laughed in your face. Silly me.

Razor Sharpe

2009-05-13T07:43:00.000-07:00

In a Reagan-Mondale type landslide, Shannon made it in.

The greatest receiving TE of all time (Tony who? Kellen what?) was electeed to the Broncos "Ring of Fame." He'll join luminaries like Frank Tripucka and Jim Turner on the 5th level facade at New Mile High.

So what's next for Shannon? Getting screwed over by the HOF again this August.

Radio, radio

2009-05-11T08:05:00.000-07:00

There's been a shake-up in the Broncos radio broadcasting team. Former Donk lineman David Diaz-Infante is out as the color guy. A "full-time radio talent" (Baba Booey!) will be named as Dave Logan's side-kick according to Clear Channel.

Kind of sucks for Diaz-Infante who was getting better every year, from what I actually heard. Which admittedly wasn't much.

If KOA and the TV networks would synch up their broadcasts like they used to, I'd be able to tell you if this a travesty or a just firing. But since the networks insist on their idiotic delay, I cant.

I miss hearing Logan do the P-B-P. Badly.

That....is a Denver touchdown.

Legacy irritated

2009-05-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

The league announced the dates for the Donks "Legacy Games:"

The Broncos will play in legacy games Oct. 11th at home against New England, and then on the road Oct. 19th at San Diego.

Back-to-back weeks. What the hell?

Hey, fucktasters! We play KC and Oakland twice, too. You couldn't have slotted us into one of those games? We gotta go back-to-back and then never see these beauties again?

Horseshit.

Denver Broncos Football Rules!

2009-05-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

Aint shit goin on in Broncotown.

More like Melvin

2009-05-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

OUT: Selvin Young, RB

Way to never stay healthy.

Selective Service (2009)

2009-04-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

(sigh) Let's take a look:

1. Knowshown Moreno, RB - Georgia

Everyone says he's the best RB in the draft. Fine. I don't like the pick. Not with the problems we had on D, and not with only four defensive players off the board at that point. Bowlen always pushes for a running back, so this might be a "Hey, sorry I ran your franchise QB out of town. Let me make it up to you." pick. It's called overvaluing of the least stable position on the field. Best part of this pick: Moreno's girlfriend's ass-crack.

1. Robert Ayers, DE/LB - Tenn.

No problems with this pick whatsoever. Mike Mayock nearly ejaculated into his pants when he was talking about Ayers. Question is, is he an OLB or a DE in the new 3-4? Either way, Mayock will be watching.

2. Alphonso Smith, CB - Wake Forest

I've got nothing against the kid, but we gave up the 2010 first round pick we got in the former QB deal to grab this guy. That's a steep, steep price. Coach Pyle had him as the top CB in the draft, so from Pyle's perspective, it's a great move. From everyone else's though...it's a stretch. Oh, and he's 5'9."

2. Darcel McBath, S - Texas Tech

Again, I don't know this kid from Adam, but Kiper was absolutely killing the Broncos for this pick. Killing them. McBloodbath. I seem to recall us having a bunch of problems on the D-Line last year. Is that right?

2. Richard Quinn, TE - NC

This is the most indefensible pick in the draft. A fucking complete waste of this pick and our entire third round. We already have one of the best blocking TE's in the league. We already have Tony Scheffler (who may stick around for a little while - if Coach Pyle is to be believed), one of the best receiving TE's in the league. We also already have Jeb Putzier, who is the exact same player as Scheffler. I don't understand why you give up TWO third rounders to move up and take this guy (who you could have had in the fifth (if Kiper/McShay/Mayock are to be believed). No idea. None. It's mind-boggling.

4. David Bruton, S - Notre Dame

Another pick, another non-D Lineman. And approximately the 20th safety Pyle's brought in this offseason.

4 Seth Olsen, G - Iowa

Another pick, another non-... you get the picture.

5. Kenny McKinley, WR - South Carolina

A wideout? Seriously?

6. Tom Brandstater, QB - Fresno State

We've finally found the next John Elway!

7. Blake Schlueter, C - TCU

If you're counting at home, that's five second day picks and four offensive players taken.

I'm not happy with this draft. Shanahan was a terrible drafter, too, but at least the positions that he drafted made sense. He just didn't take the right player.

Ayers aside, he ignored the front seven, which was the weakest part of the fucking team last year. What happened this weekend made little sense to me. But what the fuck do I know?

Holy hell

2009-04-26T05:49:00.000-07:00

To cap off the day yesterday, Coach Pyle shipped BOTH of our '09 third rounders (ours and Chicago's) to Shittsburgh for the last pick in the second (64th overall) which he then used to draft a TE.

A BLOCKING tight end projected to go in the fifth or sixth round.

Here's a sampling of what some of the "experts" are saying about Denver's day:

Denver rookie head coach Josh McDaniels doesn't have a grasp on how to build a team. He signed three running backs in free agency and drafted another (Knowshon Moreno). And then he sent Denver's first-round choice in 2010 to Seattle for this year's 37th overall choice, which he used to pick cornerback Alphonso Smith. That's bizarre. Mike Shanahan must be laughing at that one.

Clayton clearly handed this column in before Denver traded their entire third round to take a TE they could have gotten in the fifth. That's an equally, if not more, bizarre move.

Unbelievable. This is the kind of shit that happens when you let infants run your team.

Blunders abound

2009-04-25T16:56:00.001-07:00

We just traded our first round pick next year for Seattle's second this year and picked a guy who was Kiper's third best avaiable CB. And is also 5'9" tall. With Rey Maulauga or whatever his fucking name is and Everette Brown still on the board. Nothing against this Alphonso Smith kid, but jesus.

Hell of a first day so far. Two more picks to fuck up.

Coach Pyle fucks it up again

2009-04-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

A running back 12th overall. All of the holes we have on the defense and he picks a back. Idi-fucking-otic.

Fine, you want something real?

2009-04-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

Here it is: By the end of the day tomorrow, Tony Scheffler will be somewhere else. He's wanted out since the thing with former QB blew up. Couple that with the fact that there's no room for him in Coach Pyle's offense and it's bye-bye Tony.

Speaking of bye-bye Tony, kudos to the Chiefs for trading one of the greatest TE's in NFL history out of the division and also for getting next to nothing for him. I can see the boy-idiot nodding his head in approval.

The most comprehensive draft preview you will find on this series of tubes

2009-04-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

Denver will draft some dudes.

Some of them will suck. Some of them will not suck (hopefully).

They may trade up to take some guy. Or they may not.

They may trade down to stockpile picks. Or they may not.

There you have it. Denver's definitive draft plan. You can't get this kind of hard-hitting analysis anywhere else, people.

Please, please, please make this happen

2009-04-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

John Madden as Raiders GM? Awesome. Yes, you should definitely hire a guy on the wrong side of 70 to run your NFL franchise. It's exactly the kind of crazy ass shit Al Davis just cant get enough of.

HISSSS!! Bring me zee fat man.

It's all over, fat man

2009-04-16T12:10:00.000-07:00

Just like '77. Thank dog..

Woody Paige, everybody.

2009-04-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

From Woody's annual, idiotic prediction column:

Predominantly orange marmalade sky?

After a close inspection of the Broncos' schedule, I think we all can agree on this:

Good luck, Josh MacDee.

Hoodie & The Bluefish will need it.

Onlookers who live in cellars and subsist on Cheetos believe the 2009 schedule of events could be the team's most difficult.

In truth, to find a schedule as stressful, you have to go way, way back to, uh, 2005.

That season the Broncos finished 13-3 and lost in the AFC championship.

So, Broncophiles, (sing along) have high hopes, Mile High hopes.

Only, things have changed since 2005.

Like almost everything.

All but five players are gone.

All but three of the draft choices from 2005 and before are gone.

All but four assistants — Rick Dennison, Bobby Turner, Keith Burns and Rich Tuten — are gone.

And the head coach.

What a difference three indifferent seasons make.

And a new head coach.

But the regular-season schedules are similar.

Does he get paid by the paragraph?

Seriously, this thing has the phrase "marmalade sky," a request that you sing along to "high hopes" and a goofball reference to a decade-old pop group.

Don't ever change, you silly bastard.

Murderer's Row

2009-04-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

Schedule's out. It's not looking good for the Broncos. Let's take a look:

1 Sep 13 DEN @ CIN Paul Brown Stadium 1:00 PM
2 Sep 20 CLE @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM
3 Sep 27 DEN @ OAK Oakland Coliseum 4:15 PM
4 Oct 04 DAL @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM
5 Oct 11 NE @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM
6 Oct 19 DEN @ SD Qualcomm Stadium 8:30 PM
7 Bye
8 Nov 01 DEN @ BAL M&T Bank Stadium 1:00 PM
9 Nov 09 PIT @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 8:30 PM
10 Nov 15 DEN @ WAS FedEx Field 1:00 PM
11 Nov 22 SD @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM
12 Nov 26 NYG @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 8:20 PM
13 Dec 06 DEN @ KC Arrowhead Stadium 1:00 PM
14 Dec 13 DEN @ IND Lucas Oil Stadium 1:00 PM
15 Dec 20 OAK @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:05 PM
16 Dec 27 DEN @ PHI Lincoln Financial Field 1:00 PM
17 Jan 03 KC @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM

That's a quality cut and paste right there.

Six(!!!) 11am games. I can't believe that. That's almost an unreal number. Six.

Two Monday nighters and the Thanksgiving tilt with the Jints they announced earlier. Three prime-time games is down from years past. You've got former QB, uniform number six to thank for that.

The real problem though, is weeks 4-12. Denver could lose seven of those eight weeks. See if you can spot the week we don't lose.

They'll probably take at least a couple of those games, but that's a pretty tough stretch. Drawing the AFC North and NFC East in the rota doesn't make the rebuild go any smoother.

Best case, 9-7. Worst case, 4-12

R.I.P., Harry Kalas

2009-04-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

The voice of NFL Films for my entire lifetime. I love the old clips of John Facenda, but for me and every NFL fan under the age of thirty five, Harry Kalas was the voice of god.

Hey, Ringolsby

2009-04-10T16:34:00.001-07:00

I love your shit, man. Love. It.

But you gotta get rid of the ten-gallon hat.

RIP, total badass - UPDATE

2009-04-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

Audie Murphy can kiss Russell Dunham's ass. UPDATE: Audie Murphy was also a total badass.

On the afternoon of Jan. 8, 1945, Sergeant Dunham was leading a platoon in the 30th Infantry, Third Infantry Division, when the soldiers, among them his brother Ralph, were pinned down by German fire. They were at the bottom of a hill near the village of Kaysersberg, the birthplace of the Nobel Peace Prize winner Dr. Albert Schweitzer.

German machine-gunners and riflemen fired down on the Americans while an artillery barrage landed behind them. “The only way to go was up,” Mr. Dunham told Reader’s Digest long afterward.

Wearing as camouflage a white robe made from a mattress cover, Sergeant Dunham ran up the hill ahead of his platoon and charged a machine-gun emplacement. He was shot in the back, and his camouflage became useless: his white clothing was soaked with blood.

Despite “excruciating pain” from his wound, as the Medal of Honor citation told it, Sergeant Dunham wiped out three machine-gun nests and attacked German riflemen in foxholes. Moments later, Ralph Dunham destroyed a fourth machine-gun position.

Firing 175 rounds of carbine fire and throwing 11 grenades, Russell Dunham killed nine Germans, wounded seven and captured two others.

Meanwhile, I've got the biggest bitch of a hangnail that you've ever seen. I might need a couple of weeks off...

HT to With Leather - link in blogroll.

Legacy over

2009-04-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

Johnboy's boy, Jack (twister!) will never take snaps for the Denver Broncos.

This is terrible news. That kid could have been the next Elway!

Doesn't matter anyway, Coach Pyle preferred Jim Plunkett's retarded nephew.

Quick Hitter

2009-04-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

Coach Pyle's great QB purge of '09 is finally complete.

The Donks released their full-size version of Gary Coleman yesterday, waving bye-bye to Darrell Hackney.

That leaves tattoo enthusiast Chris Simms and The Neckbeard as the only QB's on the roster.

The question is, will the Donks package some picks and move up to take alleged rapist Mark Sanchez? Or will they stick with Simms and Orton (I still can't believe I'm typing that) this year and hope that next year's QB crop isn't so shitty? Only the boy-idiot knows.

Since Al Davis decided to ruin Jamarcus Russell's confidence, there are no viable FA's left.

It'll be a rook, an albino weirdo or a drunken, bearded clown as our QB next year. Awesome strategy, chief.

Finally, some good news...for one moron at least

2009-04-06T09:29:00.000-07:00

This keyboard-clutching freak show you see here is Dan Leone, a former game-day employee at the Lincoln Financial Field in Philly. He was fired earlier this offseason after posting his disappointment with the Brian Dawkins to Denver signing on his facebook page. To wit:

Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver. . .Dam Eagles R Retarted!!"

It's not exactly Keats, but it gets his point across I guess.

Anyway, the Donks are playing in Philly this year and Dawkins has decided to hand over the two tickets he gets per away game to Mr. Leone and his keyboard:

"I thought it'd be a good gesture,'' Dawkins said. "Had I not . . . signed with Denver, that guy would still have his job. Obviously, he made a decision and out of emotion said something. He was one of probably thousands and thousands of Eagles fans who felt that way. That didn't surprise me, that someone said that on their Facebook. It did surprise me that he was let go, though. That really did surprise me. I felt it would be a good thing, to reach out to that individual and just let him know how much I appreciate it.''

What a real sweetheart.

More jerkass

2009-04-05T07:02:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the club, jerkass

2009-04-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

Get fucked, ya tubby bitch.

This one's for Phony

2009-04-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

Cutlerfucker

click to embiggen

Meet your new QB1, Denver

2009-04-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

Great.

Come on, Jay.

2009-04-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

Am I supposed to believe this?

"I was surprised they decided to trade me this soon," Cutler told FoxSports. "I didn't want to get traded. That wasn't me. They had been going back and forth saying things, wanting me to be their quarterback, and then they didn't. I really didn't want this. I love Denver. I really like my teammates. I didn't want it to get this far."

Yeah. He said that. Those appear to be direct quotes.

Hy-larious!

Welcome to 1999!

2009-04-01T07:34:00.000-07:00

It's over. He's gone.

Well played, fuckheads. All of you - Cutler, Coach Pyle, Bowlen, Xanders, you've successfully set the Denver Broncos back an entire decade. Nice job.

You're going to lose several hundred dollars in revenue from one Hercules Rockefeller on tickets and concessions this year. I hope you can live with that.

Enjoy 5-11, assholes.

This makes perfect sense

2009-03-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

Coach Pyle has made the decision to stand by the Deliverance kicker:

Sheesh...this is the guy you stand by? Kick your all-world QB and one of the league's best long-snappers to the curb, but hang on to the placekicker who melted down during the second half of the season as bad as anyone I can remember? OK....

Lets hear what coach has to say about the kid:

"He's a young player with a lot of ability"

Sound like anyone else you know? Speaking of the new HNIC, I ran across a fake-Twitter feed that someone fired up for him. Not many entries yet, but pretty good stuff so far.

Anybody want some snow?

2009-03-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Jiminy jillikers. 18'-22' inches when it's all said and done. I live a mile from my office and it took me a half hour to get home.

Denver Broncos Football weather.

Finally some good news

2009-03-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

That's right, everybody. The Donks are going to trot out the sweet-ass 1960 throwbacks you see above for two "Legacy Games" that the eight original AFL teams will play this/next season (against each other). The other seven original AFL teams include our entire division, Buffalo, Tenn. (Houston), NYJ and NE.

Now, these uniforms are widely considered to be one of the worst uniforms of all time in any sport. Let's see where Uniwatch had them ranked in his "Hall of Shame" back in 2003:

1. Denver Broncos, 1960-61. Most AFL teams were cash-strapped when the league got off the ground, but only the Broncos were frugal enough to use recycled unis, salvaged from the previous year's NCAA Copper Bowl game. Whatever the financial savings were, it wasn't worth it. The vertically striped socks made the team look like clowns (the socks were eventually burned in a big bonfire when the team got new unis in 1962), and the brown-on-yellow color scheme is an enduring reminder that chocolate and mustard are two great tastes that do not taste great together.

Pffffftttttt. Fuck that noise. These puppies are awesome! Take your vertical stripe hatred somewhere else, Lukas. Besides, you haven't even sniffed terrible uniforms until you've seen the Southern California Sun of the long-defunct World Football League. Woof!

Kudos to Bowlen for showing some balls and not going with the ones we wore in '94. Now, those things were awful.

Hoo boy

2009-03-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

This NFL Network interview with Josh McDaniels did not go well. I think junior is a complete dipshit who's lost control of the team within a span of two months. Two offseason months. It started with the Lonnie Paxton signing and snowballed into complete chaos with the Cutler fiasco. I don't think he's got what it takes.

He's clearly lying about what went down. Cutler's right, you can't trust him. I don't need a terrible TV show with Mr. Orange to figure out that he's not telling me the truth.

Again, this isn't an endorsement of Cutler's crybaby antics. Just another fear for the future of this team.

On the plus side, I figured out who McDaniels looks like:

Coach Pyle. Perfect.

The season is five months away, but Denver already got plowed

2009-03-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

The NFL has seen fit to make the Donks-Giants tilt the third Thanksgiving game next year. In the four years since they added the third T-giving game, the NFL has made the Donks play in it twice. What the hell?

Playing on Thanksgiving is not an honor. Maybe for Jaksonville or Cincy or some other squad that nobody gives a rat fuck about and doesn't get any attention, but not Denver. We've had something like fifteen prime-time/nationally televised games over the last three years. We don't need a time slot all to ourselves. But hey, Denver's in the news! Maybe Cutler and McDaniels will get into a fistfight on the sidelines!

The only good thing about being "gifted" a two-day prep week in the middle of the season is the fact that it's a home game. Great...like that's mattered since '05.

Yet again

2009-03-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

Apparently the boys over at Next Season Sports just cant get enough of this mock draft nonsense. They decided to fire up the thing again after all of the big-name free agent moves.

Here's my pick on behalf of the Broncos.

The fact that the guy I went with was still available at #12 goes to show how idiotic mock drafts really are. And don't even get me started on the Lions drafter/clown. In the first installment he picked a guy first overall who would have been there with their pick in the second (maybe even third) round. This time he picks a fucking linebacker. Sure, you've got shitty linebackers, but linebacker play wasn't the reason you went 0-16. And you're going to pay a linebacker first overall pick money? Something like $30M guaranteed? To an outside linebacker not named Lawrence Taylor? Fucking clueless.

I shouldn't be too hard on the guy though. You'll probably be calling me clueless after you see who I picked.

It was the sticky-icky - UPDATE

2009-03-20T07:31:00.001-07:00

More on the Buckhalter story, with a HT to MHR.

Turns out Buck was, allegedly, buying the high quality green from this Styles cat, not the coca product I figured it would be.

Turns out it was weed, so who gives a shit? Buck's not going to get arrested or charged or suspended based on the unsubstantiated word of a ~~soon-to-be convicted felon~~ clown-ass prosecutor and cop trying to make a splash.

Move along. Nothing to see here.

UPDATE: There's even more on this story, again courtesy of MHR.

Sweet-ass offseason continues its sweet-assness

2009-03-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Some random-ass ADA in PA slandered new Donks RB Correll Buckhalter in open court.

His name was mentioned Wednesday by Delaware County prosecutor Katayoun Copeland during opening arguments in a drug trial in which Styles N. Beckles is the defendant. Copeland's opening remarks said Beckles had told police he sold drugs to pro athletes, including Buckhalter.

That right there is the definition of slander...you know, if it's not true. Copeland had better have some kind of proof that Buckhalter bought shit from this guy or he/she (Is Katayoun male or female?) can expect a giant-ass civil lawsuit from Buckhalter.

Buckhalter is denying any involvement with this Styles character.

Christ

2009-03-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

Fuck it. Trade his ass.

There's been too many hurt feelings, too much crying and emo whining, too many exasperated sighs and razor blades to the thighs.

I'm tired of it. Let him go. Let him pout like a little fucking bitch and make a bunch of brain-dead throws in Minnesota or Tampa or wherever.

This shit will never end if he stays. You'll hear about it every time someone mentions his name. Every time the Broncos play it'll be "Disgruntled Broncos QB" Jay Cutler. They'll run a dozen features on it, and he'll be counting down the days until he becomes a FA, throwing nonsense interceptions the entire way. Does anyone want that?

We're going to suck ass next year anyway, may as well be epically bad, right? Maybe get a first overall out of it?

Does anyone out there still think benching Plummer in '06 was the right decision?

Thanks, KSK

2009-03-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

Truer words, my friends. True words. Lofty words.. He defines idiocy.

This is not a good time to be a fan of this team. We're going to be terrible next year. 5-11 Terrible.

Sack up, motherfucker

2009-03-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

The eagerly-anticipated meeting/conference call between Cutler and Sugar Smacks was on Monday, and apparently, it didn't go well:

According to an NFL source, Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler came away from a conference call with team officials Monday believing that for the right deal, he would be traded between now and the NFL draft, which begins April 25.

He's currently unsure if he's going to attend the "voluntary" team workouts that start next week:

According to the NFL source, Cutler has not yet decided whether he would report Monday. If Cutler doesn't report to Broncos headquarters next week, he would be viewed as undermining McDaniels' authority. What would the team do then? The Broncos may have no other choice but to move the player who in recent years has been dubbed not just the quarterback, but the "franchise" quarterback

Look, Jay...you're not going anywhere. There are no other viable options at QB out there right now. We're not going to trade you just because you're disgruntled. You're going to have to play here another year at least. Deal with it.

Yes, the new guy is a fucking dipshit. Yes, said dipshit tried to trade you for 50 cents on the dollar. Yes, you were disrespected. But you know what? This ain't a fucking tea-party, boy. Nobody gives a shit if your widdle feewings get hurt.

I had your back on this earlier, but you need to man the fuck up, junior.

Ha-Ha Patrick Ramsey

2009-03-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

First off, fuck Coach Sugar Smacks and Jay Cutler. Both of them were/are lying and/or acting like children. Fuck Sugar Smacks for thinking Cassel was a better option than Cutler. He's the only one that thinks so. Fuck Jay Cutler for (allegedly) demanding a trade after Jeremy Bates wasn't retained and for acting like a bitch about the entire thing. Quit pouting and act like a fucking man.

Now, on to the shit that matters: Transactions!

IN: Ronald Fields, DT. 5th year guy, part-time starter mired in SF for his entire career. Not much to get excited about here.

IN: Darrell Reid, DT. 5th year guy, no-time starter late of Indy. Supposedly a special teams "ace." Again, nothing exciting.

IN: Lamont Jordan, RB. Was washed up when he signed with Oakland three years ago, was washed up when he cried like a little bitch on the Denver sidelines a couple years back:

And I'm betting he's still washed-up. I look forward to openly mocking Lamont Jordan's little bitch-ass all through training camp. Because, lets face it...he's not making this fucking team.

IN: JJ Arrington, RB. The deal that almost wasn't, but then was. I'm glad this got done. JJ should be pretty good in this scheme. Oh wait...it's not the same scheme anymore. Whatever. I still like this one. A lot.

IN: Kenny Peterson, DT. One of the Donks own FA's. He's been the most consistent DT we've had over the last few years. That's not saying much...at all, but I guess it's worth a re-up.

And finally, the best news of all. Not for the guy we signed, but for the guy wer're going to lose as a result:

IN: Chris Simms, QB. He's got ties to the Donks already: permanent, gay ties. And he doesn't have a spleen! Even if he stinks the joint out, it's ok, because it means Patrick Ramsay's terrible ass will be riding the pine somewhere else. That is a good thing.

Fuck it

2009-03-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

I'm sick and fucking tired of the Denver Broncos right now.

With the Cutler fiasco and Brandon Marshall's motherfucking thick-headed ass getting arrested again, I'm sick of it. I don't give a fuck about any of it right now. They've killed me.

Some DT's were signed (nobody huge), Lamont Jordan's washed-up ass agreed to terms and that JJ Arrington deal fell through.

Whooptie fuckin' doo.

/makes jerk off motion

A good day morphs into a terribly shitty day

2009-02-28T17:42:00.001-08:00

This grinning moron right here here tried, unsuccessfully, to trade Jay Cutler today. The supposed deal would have sent Cutler to Tampa, some undisclosed compensation from Tampa to NE and Matt Cassel here. Obviously it didn't happen, because Cassel was eventually shipped to KC (great) for a 2nd round pick.

So how does Cut feel about being dangled for a guy with half his talent? Well, if you believe Bill Williamson's source, pissed:

The relationship has been tarnished," the source said. "I think it's beyond repair."

Jesus.

"It's like a knife to Jay's heart," the source said. "It will be hard for him to get past this."

Awesome. What else?

In the aftermath of the trade Saturday, Cutler asked permission to find his own trade partner but was denied by the Broncos, according to the source. Cutler is still hopeful he will be traded because he feels betrayed by McDaniel, the source said.

The source said Denver is no longer interested in dealing Cutler, who made the Pro Bowl in 2008, his second full season as a starter. The source said Tampa Bay, Detroit and Chicago could be possible destinations if Cutler gets his way and is traded. The source pointed out that until Cutler heard about the trade talks Saturday, he was completely happy playing for McDaniels and being in Denver.

Granted, Bill Williamson's "source" may be that 3 week old gravy stain on his polo shirt, but Vic Lombardi's hearing the same thing.

Is it true? Who knows? Dangling the best young arm in the game and the future of the fucking franchise, especially when that guy is kind of a sensitive head-case already, is a terrible move.

If Cutler gets traded over this I'm going to be very, very, angry. Clock tower angry.

Movement

2009-02-27T18:49:00.001-08:00

Pretty productive first day of the administrative NFL season for the Donks. They signed a half-dozen free agents, most of the Eagle or Patriot variety. Four of them are good signings, one of them is questionable and the last kind of idiotic. Let's see what we've got:

THE GOOD:
IN: Brian Dawkins, S. Dawk has been one of the best safeties in the league for the last dozen years. He's pretty old (35) and he's missed time the last couple of years, but this is a big-time signing. He'll make the secondary better just by being around.

IN: J.J. Arrington, RB. Former first round pick, lightning fast and just entering his prime. My choice to start the season as RB1.

IN: Correll Buckhalter, RB. Solid and unspectacular. Gives us great depth at the position and may bump Selvin Young down to 3rd string or out the door if the Pain Train develops well.

IN: Renoldo Hill, S. In one day, Denver signed the best safeties they've had since the halcyon days of Atwater-Smith.

THE QUESTIONABLE:
IN: Jabar Gaffney, WR. Do we need wideouts? No, of course not. I know Stoke is getting old and everything, but he's not that old. Should one really go out and spend a bunch of money on a guy that will top out at 4th on the depth chart?

THE IDIOTIC:
IN: Lonnie Paxton, C. He was the Patriots long-snapper and we gave him a 5 year, $5.3M deal, making him the second highest paid long-snapper in the league. What makes this signing idiotic is that we already have an excellent long-snapper on the roster and we pay him a fraction of what Paxton now makes. Plus, Leach has been the teams special teams MVP over the last three years. I know Sugar Smacks wants to bring in guys he's comfortable with, but this is such a pointless, homer signing. I don't get it at all.

Overall though, it was a pretty good day. We made trememdous upgrades in the secondary and at running back. Hopefully, we do as good with the D-Line and LB's as we did today.

Targets

2009-02-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

Backs.

Running backs to be more specific. Not satisfied with the Selvin Young-Ryan Torrain-Andre Hall-Michael Pittman-Tatum Bell-PJ Pope-some other guys nine-headed monster, Coach Sugar Smacks is planning on bringing in Correll Buckhalter and JJ Arrington as his first FA visits.

OK. Not a Buckhalter fan (Fuck Nebraska), but Arrington is intriguing. Buried behind a shit O-Line in Phoenix and then later buried behind Edge James and Hightower. I think he could be pretty good here.

Still though...RB's? That's your top FA priority? Half of the field is in total disarray and we're leading w/ backs and Jabar Gaffney? Not sure I get that one. Especially Gaffney.

I hope you kids know what you're doing.

Round 2

2009-02-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

My Round 2 pick on behalf of Brian Xanders for the goofy mock-draft over at Next Season Sports is up.

I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Hey, asshole! You haven't updated this shit-ass blog in over a week and now you're giving content to the people of Seattle? Fuck Seattle."

Wow. You're kind of a dick aren't you?

If you thought Jamie Winborn getting cut was good news....

2009-02-18T07:38:00.000-08:00

OUT: Dre Bly, CB.

Unfortunately I came in this morning in to 35 emails (all in one night) and a half- dozen voicemails, so I can't chime in much more than this right now, but suffice it to say...this is a VERY good move. Cut that fucking dead weight.

5 starters gone from last year. It's like we're starting over from scratch on D. It's a good thing.

The hammer falls

2009-02-16T20:12:00.000-08:00

The Donks is cutting some fools. Let's see who we got here.

OUT: Marquand Manual, S. Maybe the worst starting safety in team history. Just a complete fucking disaster. Here's hoping Marlon McRee joins him on the unemployment line soon.

OUT: Dewayne Robertson, DT. Pretty ineffective all year. That bust label is secure.

OUT: Nate Jackson, TE. When you look at everything rationally, Nate was kind of a waste of a roster spot. I liked him, but it's in the way I like Chad Mustard and Cliff Russell. They weren't very good. It's just that simple. Nate was kind of a team mascot.

OUT: Niko Koutouvides, LB. Terrible. The worst FA signing of last offseason. And that's a list that includes two clowns up above, another that I mentioned and Boss Bailey. That should tell you how bad this Niko guy was. What kind of fucking name is Niko anyway? Lousy commie.

OUT: John Engleberger, DE Say what you will about Engleberger, but no one was able to unseat this guy. Whatever...he still sucked pretty hard.

I saved the best for last. Are you ready for it? It's great news.

OUT: Jamie Winborn, LB. DON'T YOU TELL ME JAMIE WINBORN IS CUT! YOU DON'T CUT JAMIE WINBORN, JAMIE WINBORN CUTS YOU!! YOU HEAR ME XANDERS?!? YOU HEAR ME NOLAN?!?! YOU AINT HEARD THE LAST OF JAMIE MOTHERFUCKIN' WINBORN!!!
/Takes a triumphant shit while raising one gloved fist.

That's two guys that started 16 games last year and two other guys that started for much of the year. Depth might be a concern next year, but whatever. I like the cut of this new regime's jib. Get rid of the fucking dead weight. There's nothing on this list but nostalgia.

Remember me?

2009-02-16T10:02:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot.

Sorry for the lack of content. Getting fucking slamalamadingdonged at the law factory. It's quite absurd, actually. I'll try harder or stay up later and post more, I swear.

So what's new in Bronco-Town? Some people got pinked, you say? Let's get to it.

OUT: The Family Goodman - GM/Scouting/Personnel/Whatever the hell they did. I'm fine with this move. Someone from the front office had to go and it was either Jim and Jeff or Brian Xanders. Xanders was just hired last offseason, so you can't really pin the blame on the poor personnel over the last few years on him. Clean the fucking slate. Plus, anyone with a last name starting with an X has got to be cool

OUT: Josh Shaw, DT. Dude sucked and was suspended during the season for conduct detrimental to the team. Good riddance, I guess.

OUT: PJ Pope, RB. Didn't impress when he got his shot.

OUT: Alex Haynes, RB. Never heard of him. See ya.

OUT: Anthony Alridge, RB. This is a queer decision. Alridge was very impressive in camp last year as an undrafted rookie. He got hurt in the last preseason game and spent the entire season on IR. He should have gotten another shot. Alridge gets released, but Tatum Bell and Cory Boyd are still on the roster? I don't see it.

OUT: Cliff Russell, WR. Another tough one. I liked Cliffy a lot.

And the saddest news of all for last:

OUT: Chad Mustard, TE. Now that Shanny's gone, I think this is the end of the road in Denver for our friend Chad. Some elementary school out there will be getting the best pass-blocking substitute-teacher in the business.

Pro-(toilet) Bowlin'

2009-02-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

It's over: The NFC takes it 30-21.

Marshall finished with 5 catches for 44 yards, that killer drop, and nothing much else to speak of.

Cutler finished 7-15 for 48 yards and a pick. He went a soul-crushing 0-4 on the last drive (including another drop by Marshall) w/ the AFC down 27-21. He was involved in the coolest highlight of the game, though. The AFC ran the oldest of the old-school plays at the goal line:

The Fumblerooski.

It was a modified fumblerooski. Cutler took the snap from the gun, took two steps to his right, jammed the ball between Ravens FB Laron McClain's legs and kept moving to the right. McClain stayed motionless for a second and then took off to his left and was able to fight his way into the end zone. Neat play. Otherwise, Cut was pretty mediocre.

Casey Wiegmann is your Broncos Pro-Bowl MVP. It's a tremendous honor.

Pro-Bowlin'

2009-02-08T15:10:00.000-08:00

Halftime of the ~~waste of time~~ big game:

Brandon Marshall has three catches for 35 yards and one drop in the endzone on 4th and goal. Of course he did. It wouldn't be Brandon Marshall if he didn't drop an easy pass. Way to represent.

Casey Weigmann has snapped the ball in an adequate fashion.

14-10, AFC.

The Pro-Bowl!

Peyton Manning, attempted murderer

2009-02-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

Peyton Manning tried to murder Jay Cutler in Hawaii this week. Oh sure, everyone's saying it was a prank gone wrong, but fuck that noise. I know the truth, Peyton. You're a stone cold attempted killer.

Here's what went down:

The gang of Pro Bowl football players had been gathered around the tables, swapping stories, when suddenly the Broncos' quarterback had 300-pound Nick Mangold pushing from one side, 310-pound Kris Dielman holding the other and his cellphone swindled into the hands of a coy Peyton Manning.

Cutler's radar had gone up, but he never had a chance.

More like gay-dar. Am I right? High-five!

Splash!

"We gave him a Pro Bowl baptism," said Dielman, the star offensive guard of the rival San Diego Chargers.

Great fun. Big laughs. There was just one problem. Cutler is a Type 1 diabetic, and in his pocket was his blood-sugar monitor.

Kris Dielman is a star? Dubious.

I thought we were smart enough to get the cellphone out of his pocket," Dielman said. "But then, 'Oops.' "

You're not smart enough to tie your own shoes there, chief.

"It was a bad audible on our part," Manning said. "I think we were thinking right, trying to get the cellphone. Then we realize, the guy gets insulin shots. We missed that."

Sure, Manning. You can feel the winds of change. You realize your days of ruling the league are over. Wind down your career like a man. Quit trying to kill off the competition.

Click those ads, ya cheap fucks.

2009-02-03T15:04:00.001-08:00

Look at that shitty couch you're sitting on. How old is that relic? Stuffing hanging out, duct tape all over the armrest. It's pathetic.

Get a new one at American Furniture Warehouse! It's one click away. Jake Jabs has two adorable white tiger kittens you can play with, too. Shit...buy a new dining room set. Don't have a dining room? Buy one anyway and put it in storage. I don't ask for much.

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers assholes

2009-02-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers *fuckheads* on their victory in Super Bowl XLIII. It took a come-from-behind *lucky* win to secure their sixth championship but they got it done. *barely*

Ben Roethlisberger *retarded mongoloid* was able to hit Santonio Holmes *giant penis* in the corner of the endzone with less than a minute to play to put the Steelers *half-wits* ahead for good.

Kurt Warner *thumper* fumbled the ball away *incomplete pass* on Arizona's last possession, giving the Steelers *unwashed degenerates* the victory.

So congrats to the Steelers *cocktasters* on their Super Bowl victory *theft*

There are other sites

2009-02-03T13:38:00.000-08:00

The boys over at the Seattle-centric "Next Season Sports" asked me to pick for the Donks in one of those goofy, way-too-early, mock drafts. I was apparently not their first choice. From the email I got from one of the site's authors:

...thanks for participating. I was having trouble finding a Broncos blog after finding writers to represent every other team.

Here's to last resorts!

Anyway, if you care, here it is. Peep who the Detroit clown picked first overall. Sheesh. I think Millen runs that blog.

Shannon Sharpe gets bent over the table

2009-01-31T16:26:00.000-08:00

Call the National Guard! Shannon Sharpe got plowed in the ass.

That's some hearty bullshit right there. The fact that he's being considered as a receiver is such unbelievable, preposterous horseshit that it boggles the mind.

Was Shannon Sharpe a wideout? NO. HE WAS A GODDAMN TIGHT END! He lined up at the end of the line of scrimmage just like Kellen Winlsow did, just like Ozzie Newsome did, just like Tony Gonzalez does. I'm having a hard time understanding the HOF's justification for considering Shannon as a WR. Is it because he wasn't a very good blocker? Who gives a fuck? Neither was Winslow. He got in on the first try. Antonio Gates doesn't exactly pancake people either, but when he retires as the #1 receiving TE of all time, (like Shannon did) is the HOF going to fuck him out of a spot?

Unbelievable. There may be something to the "The HOF is anti-Denver" theory.

Other receivers fucked in the ass this year:
Cris Carter (2nd in NFL history in every major receiving stat)
Andre Reed (Top 5 in every major receiving stat)

Somehow making it in over the three guys mentioned above:
Bob fucking Hayes (not even close to the top ten in any major receiving stat). You know why he's in? Because he played in fucking Dallas.

Due up for a cornholing next year:
Tim Brown (3rd in NFL history in every major receiving stat). If Carter can't get in, Brown has no chance.

Un-fucking-believable.

psst....hey, fucko

2009-01-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

Go back and read that post with the picture of the chick yawning again. It's all updated and shit.

You know who I wish was never born?

2009-01-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

Tyler Perry.

I have no idea who the fuck this guy is or where the fuck he came from, but I do not celebrate his entire catalog.

In fact I hate everything this asshole has ever been a part of. All of it. It's all awful. The movies, the TV shows, whatever shit-ass record label he's probably involved in. Garbage.

Get fucked, Tyler Perry.

Denver Broncos!

Aint shit goin' on -- UPDATE - WITH A SCAVENGER HUNT!

2009-01-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

Unless assistant coach hirings really turn your crank (your brother, Sugar Smacks? Seriously?), there aint shit going on 'round Bronco Town. Since that's the case, and since I've got to post SOMETHING or the good folks at onlineseats.com are going to ask for some money back, here's a video of a few of John's greatest comebacks.

Does NFL Films kick ass? ~~Fuck and yes~~ sort of.

UPDATE: I actually just watched this video right now, and it's cut from the terrible one that NFL Films made for the Drive.

There is a bunch of footage spliced in here from the '87 AFC Championship game. You know, the year after The Drive. '87 was also against Cleveland, but this one was in Denver.

I'm sure they did it because John was miked-up in '87 it made for good TV. A bunch of close-ups of John barking out signals and a few other throw-away shots to lengthen it out and no one will be the wiser, right?

Wrong. It's fucking simple to spot. It's such an egregious blunder that that they repeat over and over and over that it's like NFL Films is insulting our intelligence. Can you see it? I'll give a prize to the first person that spots it (everyone loves LOG!).

Watch the video though, there's some sweet-ass like '91 practice and meeting footage featruing John wearing his hat like my old man does. Plus bonus Wade Phillips and Jim Fassel sightings.

Some people dont get it

2009-01-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

There's the perfect storm of idiocy in Woody's latest mailbag. I don't even have any kind of smart-ass commentary on this one. The crazy speaks for itself. There are two money shots on this bitch.

Hi, Woody. I watch you every night on ESPN's "Around the Horn." I wish you were the host, and Tony Reali was stuck in the box.
-- Dupre, Bermuda

Woody, I couldn't disagree more with your "I'm a train wreck on television" comment. You're the best, whether on TV, in print, or in cyberspace! Yes, you're frequently flip, often sarcastic, but always thoughtful and insightful when I need you to be!

Larry Logan

Hoo boy.

It's officially a new offense

2009-01-20T12:39:00.000-08:00

OUT: Jeremy Bates, QB Coach

The guy that's been calling the plays for the last few years is out. Cutler's security blanket is out.

Here's hoping this move doesn't drive a wedge between the star QB and the organization. If things don't turn around next year, it wouldn't surprise me if Cutler decides he wants out.

Runnin' (Dying to Live)

2009-01-15T15:57:00.000-08:00

IN: Bobby Turner, RB Coach

Weezy!

Not looking too good for Dennison.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-15T07:59:00.001-08:00

Cutler: Whatever-ever-ever.

Source

Confirmation

2009-01-13T13:27:00.001-08:00

IN: Mike Nolan, Defensive Coordinator

Upgrade over Bob Slowik percentage-wise?

Eleventy gazillion!

Hey, not bad!

2009-01-13T13:24:00.000-08:00

Coach Sugar Smacks

2009-01-12T17:24:00.000-08:00

The new coach has a particular personal trait that I find to be quite distasteful. He's a smacker. A lip smacker.

I'd like to thank Bill Belichick. **smack** I can't **smack** express in words how much he means to me **smack**...
You get the idea. It's disgusting and very irritating.

Also, the guy looks like he's 15 and his moms cuts his hair (not unlike his new QB). That's not necessarily bad, it's just not exactly confidence inspiring. Luckily we have one of the youngest teams in the league, so the "what does this kid know?" kind of crap should be kept to a minimum.

Courtesy of the monumentally retarded Drew Soicher: McDaniels is the youngest head coach in any of the "big 4" sports. Sorry, that should be "big 3 and hockey."

Some other news from the presser earlier today:

A long-overdue switch to a 3-4 . Look for Elvis and Jarvis Moss to move to OLB's, leaving Nate Webster's helmet pounding the pavement for a job.

Nothing on the D-coordinator. Everyone was wrong, the D-Post, the RMN, whoever floated the McDermott rumor, Schefter, everyone. Morons, the lot of them. He's "talked" to Nolan, but nothing is official.

He's planning on wearing a hoodie. Just like his boy, Belichick.

He's also taking over the play-calling. Meaning Jeremy Bates is probably out. Meaning Rick Dennison is definitely out. Meaning the zone-blocking scheme that we've run for 15 years is probably out.

A lot of stuff we're used to seeing is probably out. Crazy times, man. Cra-zee.

It's over

2009-01-11T19:54:00.000-08:00

IN: Josh McDaniels, Head Coach

Good choice. The guy I've wanted since New Years Eve. The development of Jay Cutler is priority number one for this franchise and hiring McDaniels is the way to do it. Even if it means Jeremy Bates has to go.

Also IN: Dom Capers, D-Coordinator.

Former HC in Carolina and Houston, poached from NE by the new guy. Probably also means a switch to a 3-4. Almost as good a move as McDaniels. UPDATE: This might not be true. Others are saying former 49ers HC Mike Nolan will be the new DC. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

It's a new day, people.

Go Cards!

2009-01-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

They're the least objectionable team remaining. I have no reason to hate them and it would be kind of wacky if they won.

Congrats on scoring this huge endorsement, Phoenix.