Tuesday, June 12, 2007

There's nothing going on. That's what I saw when I looked out over the city: nothing.

There's nothing happening here in Broncotown. Nothing at all. I have no idea what to write about, so instead I'm going to bitch and moan about a couple of things.

At the firm I work for, we have this program where we pay a portion of a few inner-city HS kids tuitions to a private school, and in return they have to come work for us one day a week, to get “real life work experience” or some such shit. Anyway, one of the girls in the program wants to go on a class trip to DC this summer, but she cant afford the cost, so she solicited donations from the people here. She was able to raise almost the entire cost of the program (I gave her $50).

As a reward for everyone that donated, one of the partners here sent around an insanely hard NFL general knowledge quiz. First and only prize was two club level tickets to the 8/30 preseason game against the Cards. Normally I wouldn't give two shits about a preseason game, but club level is a different story. Two club level tickets go for well over $500. They bring you your food and drinks, you can go inside if it's too hot or cold or whatever. Rumor has it they even hold your schlongus for you when you take a leak. Just quality service all around.

So I fill out the quiz, ace it (I found the website he got his questions from) and sit back dreaming about that hands free piss. Well apparently two other people also found the site, so the tie breaker was a rock-paper-scissors showdown in one of the conference rooms. After opening up with the bureaucrat gambit (three consecutive papers) and jumping to a big lead, I lost several rounds in a row, fell behind and wound up coming in a close second. Massively disappointing.

I was pretty motherfuckin’ geeked for the next installment in the Die Hard series. Now, not so much. The thing is, the motherfucker is rated PG-13. It seems like since the motherfuckers recently decided to crack down on letting younger kids into R rated flicks, almost every motherfuckin’ movie is now rated PG-13. I can understand that, but, damn motherfucker, Die Hard? Motherfuckin’ PG-13? What the motherfuckin’ fuck, motherfucker? John McClane's foul motherfuckin’ mouth is an essential part of what makes those motherfuckin’ movies great. It's not Die Hard if the motherfucker doesn't say "yipee ki yay, motherfucker" and w/ a PG-13 tag, you wont get a single motherfucker. Motherfuckin’ disappointing.

I suggest you go out right now and rent or add to your queue or whatever "This Film is Not Yet Rated," Kirby Dick's brilliant movie about the MPAA's joke of a ratings process.


The Sports Hernia said...

That is horseshit that you lost in a rock-paper-scissors scenario.

Shouldn't the bonus question been related to the Broncos? Like the location of where Elway won his first super bowl, or anything along those lines?

I'm calling bullshit.

Hallux Valgus said...

My studio is responsible for Live Free or Die Hard. Rest assured that you are not the only one who is disappointed. My 14 year old brother (whose mother won't let him see R Rated movies), however, shares none of your distaste.

@slushygutter said...

I saw an article about that program in the paper recently. A school in NW Denver I believe?

Also on the club level former Bronco Simon Fletcher will mustard up your hot dog and DC Joe Collier will carry you to the beer line.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

That's the one Commish - Jesuit school.

As long as Collier has a small clipboard jammed down the back of his pants, I'm good with it. Fletcher still gets no respect.

It's not just the swearing that pisses me off about Die Hard, it's the watering down of the best couple of action movies of all time (2 wasn't that good) just so you can get kids into it and squeeze a few extra million at the box office. Like it wouldn't have been a monster hit w/ an R.

Bird said...

You should see if you can get your 50 bucks back. If not, I would at least steal $50 in office supplies.

Hallux Valgus said...

based on the changing of the rating system and what I've heard coming off the set, I believe that Die Hard at PG-13 will be just as good as Die Hard at R.

The violence quotient hasn't changed, but the sex and language quotient has. I'll give a full report on 6/29. (note: I am not not building up a movie. That's what I hear from people in the know)

Coming from the studio, we don't expect this to be a monster hit. That's why we have three flicks coming out 2 weeks apart (Silver Surfer, Die Hard, Simpsons).

Is the as yet unnamed school Regis? If so, Fuck Regis. I'm a Mullen graduate. We don't like the Regises.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Shit Hallux, I wish I had your job man. What do you do exactly? You live in LA now?

It's nice to see that the violence will pretty much stay the same. Hopefully the blood will stay the same too. There wasn't much sex anyway was there? 1 set of boobs in 3 movies, I think.

Having to put a limit on the number of "fucks" and eliminating the signature line altogether is horseshit though. Am I right about that? Motherfucker = R?

Not Regis - Arrupe Jesuit.

Hallux Valgus said...

yes, in LA now. I work at 20th Century Fox. Mostly, my job consists of playing on th internet. Today it consisted of going to a BBQ, going to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, and going home early.

Oh- let's play a game. Guess what's a really really shit movie?

If you guessed Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, you win a prize. Your prize is not having to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.

Here's the Cliff Notes: The climactic action scene in an $80 million dollar action superhero movie involved a guy staring at a cloud. The end.

The Sports Hernia said...

I'd rather watch Van Gundy's hair recede than see that movie