Friday, June 29, 2007

I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever.

Numerically, next Saturday is the biggest day of the century. You see, next Saturday is July 7, 2007. 7/7/07. Trip 7's. You wont see this sequence again in your lifetime. As someone who has had an orange and blue 7 permanently etched into his upper right arm since 1996, this is a big deal.

JT & the boys over at Colorado Homers are campagaining to make 7/7/07 some type of official holiday, and I couldn't be any happier. They're urging everyone to contact Mayor Hickenlooper, Governor Ritter and other such government types to spread the word. They're also contacting various adult-beverage establishments throughout the metro area to locate a spot to celebrate the big day. My Denver Obsession is also getting in on the fun.

I too urge you to celebrate any way you know how. I'm going to toss on the bright orange throwback 7, pop in my tape of the 1998 playoff games and pour a bowl of Elway's Comeback Crunch. Then I'm going to get shitty drunk, re-live the good ol' days and spit in Dan Reeves' general direction.

Sexual harassment is not about sex. It is about power. She has it; you don't

Oh man. I cant stop laughing at this. Our favorite whipping boy, D-Post columnist/moron, Woody Paige is getting sued for sexual harassment by a former makeup and hair stylist on Cold Pizza or whatever that piece of crap is called now. Also named in the suit is the show's host Jay Crawford.

Some highlights from the link:

Ragone claims, Paige bragged about his vasectomy and once elicited a chuckle from others by musing that “Rita looks like she’s really good at giving b— jobs” when she walked into a room.

Ragone, 42, says Crawford and Paige weren’t the only ones who engaged in sexually charged hijinks backstage. One hair stylist regularly plunked herself down in Paige’s lap. Another pulled her breast out when model Fabio was the celebrity guest, Ragone alleges.

Classy! The NY Post version has this gem:

Paige routinely told Ragone "sit right here" while "tapping his hand on his lap near his genital area," court papers state - and asked, "Do you think I have a big one because I'm a big guy?"

Clothing was not required at "Cold Pizza," where Ragone once saw Paige without his pants standing in front of the open door to his office.

Unsurprisingly, there's no mention of the story in the Post. The Rocky's all over it though.

Must. Stop. Laughing.

Big ups to The Big Lead

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Baby look at me, look at me. You're money, and you know what else? You're a big winner tonight.

John Elway is still the greatest. Over the weekend #7 won the goofball reality show titled "Fast Cars & Superstars."

In the finals, John destroyed such luminaries as Tony Hawk, Jewel, Bill Cowher, John Cena (who?) and Ty Murray (again, who?) to take the title. The premise of the finals was five laps around a 1.5 mile track w/ a pit stop on lap 3. Fastest time wins.

I must admit that as soon as I knew John was in the finals, I set the ol' tivo to record that bad boy. I don't care much for Nascar, but I'll watch John do his laundry if it's on TV (I actually watched the Arena game last night for the obligatory Elway halftime interview). Yeah, you could call it a problem.

Jewel hit the wall during a warm up lap, fucking up her grill. Her car was not damaged. Hey now!

Bill Cowher couldn't even drive a stick shift until right before the start of the show. That's Kordell Stewart manly there, coach. He finished dead last.

After his run, Ty Murray was so convinced he had the best time, he arrogantly ripped off a few donuts in the infield grass. There were 2 drivers remaining at that point, and guess what? Both beat Murray's time. Nice work, rodeo dipshit.

After his run, John Cena was so convinced he had the best time, he arrogantly ripped off a few donuts in the infield grass. There was 1 driver remaining at that point, and guess what? He beat Cena's time. Nice work, wrestling dipshit.

Johnboy ran last and wiped the floor with everyone. Just like old times.


Our favorite old hack of a clown of a d-bag thinks it might be a good idea to have John tutor Jay Cutler this offseason. Really? You think having the best QB in franchise history spit wisdom to a second year QB would be a good idea? That's the kind of innovative thinking that should land Woody a GM job someday. Brilliant!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

That's my business. That's what I do.

I'm officially out of ideas. Training camp kicks off in about a month or so, and there's quite the dearth of news on the 'ol ball club. Even with all the boredom, I still cant bring myself to argue with the knuckleheads over on the message board. I've decided instead to fire off some links and lay the hammer down on national reporters talkin' shit bout the squad.

First up is Joe Theezman's (I'm sure you're all aware of this, but that clown actually changed the pronunciation of his name so it would rhyme with Heisman) take on the 5 best teams in the AFC. No real complaints here (he's got our boys at 4), but I'd rather have someone with some, you know...credibility say it. Plus...the fuckin' Chargers are insanely overrated. They weren't that good last year either. They were wildly lucky. Seriously. They somehow won what, three games after being down 2 TD's in the second half? That's luck, plain and simple. They're not going to even sniff 14 wins. In fact...I'll go out on a limb and say SD doesn't even make the playoffs next year. Book it.

Andrew Perloff over at put together a list of the 10 most dysfunctional offseasons this year. Apparently having one of your players get shot in the neck and die and another dying of an un-before diagnosed heart condition isn't enough to make the list. SD rears it's stupid, bolt covered, ugly head again here, nabbing Perloff's top spot. Yeah, a coaching change is way more dysfunctional than death. Don't get me wrong, this really isn't a list you want to be a part of, but still....

A lot has been said about Peter King on the old intertubes here, most of it justified. On Monday he gave us his complete QB rankings. Cut comes in at 10. Somehow Jon Kitna is 9. Yes, the same Jon Kitna that has been released from about half the teams in the league. And the same Jon Kitna that is currently underthrowing his wideouts for the second most pathetic franchise in the league *cough* Oakland *cough*. King's justification: Mike Martz's offenses are usually pretty good! Oh, I see...makes perfect sense now. In other hilarious news, Brodie Croyle came in dead last.

The four letter has also been running the "Ultimate Depth Chart" for each division. This is the fucker that pisses me off. They get a panel of "experts" to list the best offenses, defenses and overall teams in each division. To ESPN, "expert" means brain dead ex-ballplayer, so it shouldn't surprise you that the "experts" chosen are Merril Hoge, Mark Schelereth and our old pal Joey Theezman. Birdy-leg does pick Denver as the best offense in the division, but otherwise, its a Charger sweep. Overrated! Overrated! 9-7!

Speaking of overrated, Pete Prisco compiled a list of overrated and underrated players on each team. He's got DT, Gerard Warren as the overrated and Orignal Gangsta, Ben Hamilton as underrated. Gerard's an ok choice, his play hasn't been as good as his contract would suggest it should be, but how can you miss the obvious? Who is the most overrated Bronco you ask? It's not even close

Monday, June 18, 2007

You guys are pros. The best. I'm sure you can make it out of the casino

Pete Prisco over at fired off his annual list of the 50 best players in the NFL (regardless of position). Aside from the obvious, there isn't another Donk on the list. No one was even good enough to crack his 15 or so "just missed" list. That means the Broncos have only 1 of the 65 best players in the NFL according to Prisco. Interesting.

Obviously I'm a little biased (a little), but I have a problem with a few of these names. Some of his receivers and O-Line choices are particularly irritating, specifically Andre Johnson, Lee Evans, Jonathon Ogden, Sean Andrews and Steve Hutchinson.

Those are all nice players, but right now would you take Ogden over Lepsis? Lepsis isn't exactly a young guy, but I think Ogden is pushing 50.

Would you take perennial underachievers Andre Johnson and Lee Evans over Javon? I wouldn't. I know Evans came on strong last year, but how fuckin' hard is it to run 65 yard fly and post routes all day? Law of averages says you’re eventually going to connect on one for a big gain. Losman will get benched...again and Evans will mail in the season...again. Johnson may be another story, but again, he’s their only real threat, and he’s moody enough to take very long stretches off.

How was the Vikings run offense last year, Steve Hutchinson? Middle of the pack, you say? Not good enough to justify the size of your insane contract? Interesting.

How come I've never heard of you, Sean Andrews?

The lone Center in Prisco’s top 65 is Olin Kreutz. Seriously?

I don’t care what some asshat professional sports writer says, Tommy Nails and Javon Walker are among the best 65 players in the NFL.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

There's nothing going on. That's what I saw when I looked out over the city: nothing.

There's nothing happening here in Broncotown. Nothing at all. I have no idea what to write about, so instead I'm going to bitch and moan about a couple of things.

At the firm I work for, we have this program where we pay a portion of a few inner-city HS kids tuitions to a private school, and in return they have to come work for us one day a week, to get “real life work experience” or some such shit. Anyway, one of the girls in the program wants to go on a class trip to DC this summer, but she cant afford the cost, so she solicited donations from the people here. She was able to raise almost the entire cost of the program (I gave her $50).

As a reward for everyone that donated, one of the partners here sent around an insanely hard NFL general knowledge quiz. First and only prize was two club level tickets to the 8/30 preseason game against the Cards. Normally I wouldn't give two shits about a preseason game, but club level is a different story. Two club level tickets go for well over $500. They bring you your food and drinks, you can go inside if it's too hot or cold or whatever. Rumor has it they even hold your schlongus for you when you take a leak. Just quality service all around.

So I fill out the quiz, ace it (I found the website he got his questions from) and sit back dreaming about that hands free piss. Well apparently two other people also found the site, so the tie breaker was a rock-paper-scissors showdown in one of the conference rooms. After opening up with the bureaucrat gambit (three consecutive papers) and jumping to a big lead, I lost several rounds in a row, fell behind and wound up coming in a close second. Massively disappointing.

I was pretty motherfuckin’ geeked for the next installment in the Die Hard series. Now, not so much. The thing is, the motherfucker is rated PG-13. It seems like since the motherfuckers recently decided to crack down on letting younger kids into R rated flicks, almost every motherfuckin’ movie is now rated PG-13. I can understand that, but, damn motherfucker, Die Hard? Motherfuckin’ PG-13? What the motherfuckin’ fuck, motherfucker? John McClane's foul motherfuckin’ mouth is an essential part of what makes those motherfuckin’ movies great. It's not Die Hard if the motherfucker doesn't say "yipee ki yay, motherfucker" and w/ a PG-13 tag, you wont get a single motherfucker. Motherfuckin’ disappointing.

I suggest you go out right now and rent or add to your queue or whatever "This Film is Not Yet Rated," Kirby Dick's brilliant movie about the MPAA's joke of a ratings process.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Damnit Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film or television actor.

What you're seeing here isn't the Broncos celebrating a Super Bowl win, but it sure looks like it, doesn't it? Shanny decided, after some light stretching, to break OTA early and let everyone go on home. 9News had the video of this last night, and I seriously thought it was old footage from the '98 season.

I know it's still really early in the offseason. I know there's still a couple more minis before training camp. I know practice sucks. I know it's been insanely windy around here the last couple of days and it's hard to concentrate when balls in the air are whipping every which way. I know you're all mostly young guys in your 20's looking to go play golf or party or wherever.

All that said, give me a fuckin' break. You guys make an insane amount of money to work about 4 months a year. I'm not saying you don't deserve the cash, or that it isn't hard work, but you're jumping up and down, hooting and hollering and acting like a bunch of high-school kids because you get a day off? Get your priorities straight and let's act like professionals.

Oh...and a lot of the guys that were jumping higher and yelling louder than anyone else were guys that should want to get in every practice they can. You can bust your ass in the weight room and do the running on your own, but you should be praying for time in front of the coaches.

Monday, June 4, 2007

I'll take the chubby fat-ass there. Fifth from the front. Put me down for a quarter deck

After failing to convince "Big Fatty" Dan Wilkinson to report to the squad a couple months ago, the Donks decided to sign an even bigger and older tub of goo, Sam Adams. Adams is friggin' massive, going 6'4", 350 lbs. 350!! He makes Dan Wilkinson look like Webster.

I know these are the types of interior D-Linemen that Jim Bates loves, but sheesh, 350 lbs? These fat bastards are almost always winded and worthless in the fourth quarter. Run a few plays away from them, make them chase, and Greek needs to start worrying about heart attacks and the like.

Since Denver's essentially ripping off Baltimore's D from 2000 (get 2 tubby space-clogging interior D lineman that will draw a minimum of 3 O-Lineman every play and free up space for your quick LB's to make plays), who better to get than Sam Adams, one of the tubs from that '00 team? You know...since Siragusa is now polluting the airwaves every Sunday. Only problems with that are a) Adams is 7 years older now and b) we stupidly cut our Ray Lewis.

I'm not a big fan of this move