Wednesday, July 30, 2008


OUT: John Lynch, S

So, I guess it's over. After a couple of pretty good seasons and a couple of pretty lousy ones for a guy like John Lynch, it's finally over.

Is he going to retire? I really hope so, if only because the only other team he's likely to play for is his hometown Chargers. You don't want John Lynch in a vendetta kind of mood when he's roaming the middle of the field. He might actually kill Brandon Stokley on a square-in. Well, in his prime he would have.

I know I come off as a Lynch hater, but that's not true. I loved the guy. He's one of the best safeties I've ever seen. A monster.

It might be blasphemous, but I'd even go so far as to say that Lynch in his prime was better than Atwater in his. Crazy? I don't think so.

This offseason, the coach came to his senses and upgraded the depth at the position with McCree and Manual, Hamza came up big and has looked good in camp so far, and hell, Fox can play safety I guess. All of a sudden, John Lynch is only in to play up in the box on first and second down. A place where he's so crazily overrated it spins my head around for how much praise he got there.

So, he's not happy with being taken out of all nickle and dime packages because he's as slow as a 36 year old white guy and he wants out. It's hard to blame the guy when the owner of the franchise begged him to come back for another year, but hey, it's a business.

You appreciate everything he's done. He's clearly one of the best overall people in the league as far as leadership and charity and all that good junk. He's going to be one of the better TV talking heads at some point. Hell, he could start tomorrow and be better than 90% of them.

It's too bad it's gotta end kind of ugly like this, but tell it to Al Wilson on the way out.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What I have to offer you...that's as good as it's gonna get...and it won't ever get that good again

My man Horvil Tiki keeps getting better and better.

Incredibul Incredulous, I cant beleeves guy. What happen, Who bleeds the orage and blue. I givez lefted arm to see bronco train. Train in massive heat. heer wisdom of Shanhan firsted hand as yell player, call player fart! Say guy fart do again! Run root again catch ball got to take proper step to get job done. I not understand. wait and see guy?? waited and see? guy 7 and the 9 is last year guy. Last year news. Teems at 0 now. When bronco begin play the rader score is the zero to zero. what cheer only bronco when ahead? only cheer when record incredulous? only show up in megaton glory season? I cant drives from the eastd coast guy. Cant do it.

Horvil Tiki

Call player fart! Say guy fart do again! It cant get any better than this, can it?

How about the fact what is probably the hardest word to spell in that paragraph is actually spelled correctly? I mean, he didn't get hear right, but incredulous is dead on. Twice.

Gold mine!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Imagine Jim Armstrong sharing all the world

I take back everything bad I've ever said about Woody Paige or Mark Kiszla. Jim Armstrong has taken everything to a completely different level. In his latest piece (of shit) for the Post, he ponders a "what if" kind of scenario involving everyone's least favorite legacy-ruining QB, Britt Favruh. Imagine:

Jake Plummer just finished his fifth season of mediocrity in Our Town.

Biff Plummer mediocred his way to a 72% winning percentage and an AFC Championship game.

Imagine Jay Cutler hadn't dropped to the No. 11 pick in the 2006 draft, enabling the Broncos to trade up to grab him.

Imagine Plummer's baggage piled higher with each passing year. Imagine Jake the Snake as the Broncos' starting quarterback in 2008 because, as was the case when they signed him, they couldn't find a better alternative.

Jake Plummer was good, goddammit. What the hell is the matter with people? I watched these games and I know a little bit about football. I mean...I'm not a complete moron. I know I didn't have the orange blinders on for Jake. You may have noticed that I can be pretty critical of the team when they deserve it.

I just don't see how a guy gets a rep as a shitty QB because his D got annihilated by the best offense in the league in the playoffs in back to back years.

Yeah, you could do without the left-handed interceptions and flipping off the crowd, but sheesh, we won both of those games. What's the problem? Herm Edwards says you play to win the game and I think he's right. He's a shitty head coach, but he's right.

Now for something you don't have to imagine: Brett Favre is available, and the Packers would like to trade him to an AFC team.

If the circumstances were different - if the Broncos, like a lot of other teams out there, were desperate for a quarterback - Mike Shanahan would be on the phone as we speak. This is, after all, the coach who tried to lure Steve Young out of retirement before the Broncos signed Plummer.

Remember that the next time you flip your eyes when the latest Favre update crosses your TV screen. This isn't a big story, but only because this is Denver, not New York or some other NFL city in search of a legitimate quarterback.

Just think. If Cutler hadn't come along, the Broncos could be the Jets.

This is so preposterous and looney and involves so many crazy ass variables that I don't really need to add any commentary to it. The insanity just oozes from the screen. Suffice it to say, any scenario that involves Brett Favre in a Broncos uniform, no matter how absurd or nonsensical it is, makes me want to hang myself.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Guys are fat and guys are hurt, but spirits are still high.

Starting RG Montrae Holland showed up tubby.

Rookie DT Carlton Powell blew out his Achilles earlier this week.

Wideout Edell Shepherd is done for the season after blowing out his ACL.

The Holland thing is pretty dissapointing considering how important he is to pretty much every single aspect of the offense. You kind of wish he would take that shit a little more seriously, but whatever, man. Training camp is underway. Real Denver Broncos football games will be played in about six weeks.

And a Denver touchdown

Training camp?

You damn right

Friday, July 25, 2008


A throw-away line about Brandon Marshall in Adam Schefter's latest column over at has me a little concerned:

Marshall is facing a four-to-eight game suspension for a pattern of conduct the NFL does not approve

8 games? 8 games? Half the season? Seriously, is this a joke?

Tank Johnson got 8 games. Chris Henry got 8 games. Albert Haynesworth got what? 5 or 6 games for stomping on a guys face? You're going to give Brandon Marshall half the season off for a DUI, a domestic thing that went nowhere and a traffic ticket? That's ridiculous.

I'm going to say it one more time. Roger Goodell's personal conduct policy is more likely than not illegal. At some point, someone HAS to sue. An insane 8 game suspension for Brandon Marshall sounds like a good place to start. It's a slippery slope, NFL players. One of these days you're going to wake up and someone's going to get 4 games off for spitting on the sidewalk. Get control of it now. Spin up your lawyers.

HT: BroncoTalk

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Rod Smith now eligible to get screwed by the HOF in 2013

It's ovuh! The greatest wideout in Broncos history has made it official.

Is this really a shock to anyone? I mean, he hasn't played in two seasons. Did anyone out there actually think Rod would come back and play again at his age with an artificial hip? Of course not, which is why I'm having a hard time understanding why people are expressing shock and sadness over this. He's been retired for two years.

Anyway, Rod was excellent, a tough guy, a hard worker, a class act, etc., etc. Anything positive you could say about a football player you could and should say about Rod.

Based on his numbers, he should be in the Hall of Fame. That said, since he didn't play for Pittsburgh or Dallas, he likely wont make it.

Good luck, Rod. End of an era.

Monday, July 21, 2008

This is probably not a good idea

OUT: Garrett "Hairdo" Hartley, K

Kickers are a dime a dozen, kickers don't make or break your team, yadda yadda yadda. I've said it all before and I still stand by it. HOWEVEAH, I think it might be just a skoosh early to hand over your starting job to a guy that has a career FG percentage of 25% and a college percentage that doesn't even sniff 50%. Woof.

Those are failing grades, people. Failing at school, failing at kicking a football through yellow posts and failing at life.

Shanny better bring a veteran leg at some point during camp. I don't think Prater will be able to get the job done if he doesn't have at least some competition.

Ask not for whom Mike Bell tolls...

OUT: Mike Bell, RB

Mike Bell was handed his walking papers this afternoon, which he promptly fumbled.

Not a big deal, here. He didn't have much of a shot at making the team anyway, and since the Donks had to get down to 80 players by Friday, someone's Bell had to be rung. Get it? Bell?

Horvil Tiki does not dissapoint

My man Horvil Tiki's comment on Woody Paige's most recent brainless, nauseating, weekend ruining "column" is pure fucking gold. In fact it's better than gold. It's diamonds and platinum and sapphires and rubies and shit all rolled up into one awesome package.

Take it away Horvil:

I want see defence dee fence! I get big screen tv guy I want see big hit. Where big hit last year? Not nothing anything worse than bad dee fence. I know not only bad thing. But I want see enemy player get hits real hard bad even if win. Got to break down. Got to hone it guy. Got to get back to fundaments. I want see good takkle at point of attacks. I want Shanhan give big keg of beirs to guy that hit rivers. Every time. Last year I felt like sorry little man. Everyone laugh at me and denver dee fence. Even father stand make angry claw sign on third down not help. What is dove valley. Weakest name I want see toomstone jackson valley. Toomstone valley call it. Mile highs magic left building last year come on guy make noise I want see camera shake. I make Bronco subwoofer, I want hear woof base when crowd noise. Come on guys in crowd pick up this year. Make enemy team confuse. I want see nuty guy in barrels. Make say oh no they are crazy fan, we cant win here everything going crazy too crazy for us. I want see mean deefence line like giant. They like wild animal want raw meat guy. Stop at nothing. Make bradie look like raw meat in soup bowl. If not sack family starve in wastes.

Horvil Tiki

You thought "makey plays" was good? This makes "makey plays" look like something Woody Paige would vomit out onto his keyboard.

Back to fundaments, people.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Your off-topic, unrelated video of the week

Nothing much going on, still. The golf tournament really kept this place going last weekend, but there are no such events this weekend.

As for Donk news, there isn't much. They signed another of their draft picks and Karl Paymah "My Money, Bitch" was convicted for the dewey he got acouple years ago.

Not much going on, really. The big news is that camp opens one week from today, and that's never a bad thing. So here's your non-broncos related video of the week:

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I give great video

Don't fall asleep on the Light Rail.

Barkley (again w/ Barkely) gets an epic crack on John around the 25 second mark. Plus, a Janet sighting and Dave Logan's finest moment.

Part 2. How much does he win? Will his agent screw him? You won't believe the ending!

Tired of John Elway? Tough shit, chucklehead.

Stabby, stabby.

Leave me alone! Don't talk to me anymore!

Great idea. Poor execution.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

American Century - Day 3. 10th, 58th, 81st

It's all over. John came back to earth a little bit and finished with +17 for the day, dropping him to a tie for 10th. With whom did he tie you ask? One guess. Great showing for him overall, though.

Your winner was Rick Rhoden of course, followed by Dan Quinn, Tony Romo, Grant Fuhr, Jack Wagner, Brett Hull and Pierre Larouche. Too bad you cant make a living handicapping celebrity golf, because I did pretty good there.

The Coach had his best round of the tourney, but remained in 58th. Herm Edwards? 68th. Your coach is inferior in every way, KC. I bet Shanny gives it to his wife better than Hermy does, too.

The Quarterback finished second to last, comfortably ahead of Barkley, but still 11 points away from third to last. He and Barkley were by far the two worst hackers out there, but Cut's only been playing a year, so there's lots of room for improvement. His swing isn't terrible, but he has problems making solid contact like a lot of beginners do and his short game is a mess, but a couple of lessons and a lot of practice rounds and he'll be all good. Middle of the pack finish by next year.

American Century - Day 2. Improvement

Now that's what I'm talking about. John carded five birdies to go along with one bogey yesterday, giving him 27 points for the day. That +27 is the low (high) round of the tourney so far and it catapulted John from 30th into a tie for 8th. He's 8 points behind Rick Rhoden for the lead.

The top five (w/ ties) is Rhoden, Tony Romo, Pierre Larouche, Dan Quinn, Mark Rypien, Jeremey Roenick and Lawrence Taylor. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that a former crackhead could be this good at golf.

The Coach had another decent day and is currently sitting in 58th. Or as I prefer to call it, three places better than Herm Edwards.

There's even more good news. Cut carded back to back pars on 11 and 12 and is now comfortably out of the cellar. He's got a 16 point jump on Barkley and a single point lead over over the now brain damaged Trent Green.

Final round update coming later tonight.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Ticket Day? Success!

Oh, yeah. Nailed it for NO, Jax, Oak and Buffalo. Section 511 for NO and the stupid Raiders. I've sat in 511 twice and never lost there, so we've got that going for us. I'm in 522 for Jax. Never sat there. Unfortunately, I'm all the way up for each game. I'll be down in 113 in the north end zone for Week 16 against Buffalo. We should have home-field advantage locked up by then, but just in case we need it, I wanted to be close for it. Never been in 113 either, but I did see a certain puppy killing QB killing horses on his way to 115 rushing yards in a Bronco beatdown while seated angrily in section 114.

Half-priced tix go on sale at 1pm and you can buy them online now, so Miami shouldn't be a problem. Previously you could only get them on the phone and it was such a nightmare last year that I wound up blowing it off.

Ticketmaster worked beautifully except that their usurious "convenience charge" went up a dollar and the tickets themselves are up yet another $6 across the board. Oh well, it's Ticket Day!

UPDATE: Miami was a cake-walk. Down way low, in 101

Ticket Day Baby!

Single game Broncos tickets go on sale in 30 minutes. This is probably the greatest day of the offseason. I'm not wasting my time going to the stadium this year. Why? Because lotteries are bullshit. So it's Ticketmaster for me, baby. There were some problems last year, hopefully there aren't any today.

I'm shooting for 5 games, NO, Jax, Miami, Oakland (always) and Buffalo. My half assed goal is to eventually see every team in the league play (I'm currently at 17 of 31). If I get all five of these games (not likely), it'll put me at 21.

Update coming later.

Friday, July 11, 2008

American Century - Day 1. Cut. Dead. Last.

Tough day for the local heroes in Tahoe. Jeremy Roenick is atop the leaderboard and Brett Hull, Pierre Larouche, Rick Rhoden and Mark Rypien round out the top five. I forgot to include Rypien in the favorites, but he definitely is one.

The Legend sits tied with Dale Jarett, Kenny Lofton, Vinny Testaverde and someone named Lucas Black for 30th. Not a bunch of names you want to be associated with. Listen to some of these names ahead of John: Lawrence Taylor? Ben Wafflebooger? Wally Fucking Sczerbiak? Even Chris Chandler was able to extract a very small measure of revenge for SB XXXIII. All of them are going down. You know John's a Sunday guy.

The Coach is 55th, and one shot behind MJ. What the hell happened to his game? He hits every shot with a giant stogie in his mouth like he's a mobster or something. Also, that lame joke yesterday about Jordan and his million dollar Nassau would have been much better had I realized that Janet Gretzky was playing. She is. She's currently tied with her husband and one shot back of Shanahan.

The real story though, is The Quarterback sitting in dead last. Yeah. Last. Kevin Nealon and Charles Barkley are playing in this tournament and Cut is in last place. Here's Charles Barkley swinging a golf club:

Cutler is apparently worse than that. I know everyone can have a bad day, and I really hope that's the case here. So here's to Cut making a couple of pars (he had none today) and climbing out of the cellar. There's no way he finishes behind Barkley when it's all said and done. No way.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Broncos are playing golf

That's right folks, its time for the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship! Love, love this event. It's always fun to watch world class athletes suck at something, and some of these guys swing a club like they're swinging a sickle. Ray Romano will clown around and be a jackass. Everyone will make fun of Charles Barkley's seizure swing and openly fellate Michael Jordan (who will have a $1M Nassau going with Wayne Gretzky). It's a good time.

Favorites include Steve Bartkowski, Al Del Greco, Grant Fuhr, Pierre Larouche, Dan Quinn, Rick Rhoden, Billy Joe Tolliver and Jack Wagner. Look for some combination of those names at the top of the leaderboard at the end of the tourney. You might see a Tony Romo or a Maury Povich string a couple of nice rounds together and sneak into the top five, but most of the time it's the ususal suspects at the top.

For the Donks, the Coach, the Quarterback and The Legend are participating. Johnboy plays to a 1 handicap, so he's got the best shot at it. He's usually in the top 15 or so. Shanny's got a nice swing, but I'm not sure how well he plays. Cut's only been playing for about a year, so he's looking at a high (low) score at a tough course.

Should be some fun stuff if you're into golf. Check back this weekend for regular updates.

Bonus points to anyone who can name the course from the photo.

Raiders fans are shoot-y rednecks

Still nothin' happening here in Bronco Town, so here's a crazy ass video of a hillybilly Raiders fan firing an assault rifle. For some shocking reason, he seems to be upset with his own franchise. I wonder why that is.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

This just in:

The Denver Post is "reporting" that on June 12, Brandon Marshall got a traffic ticket for an improper lane change and failure to produce his license and proof of insurance! OMG!!!!@!!!!1!!!1!!!

Has it really come to this, Denver Post? You're reporting on traffic tickets now? Is this the Denver Post or is this the Delta County Independent? Because quite frankly, I'm having a hard time telling the two apart.

Here are some future D-Post headlines:

Brandon Marshall seen not washing his hands after leaving area restroom

Brandon Marshall eats grape at Safeway, doesn't pay for it

Brandon Marshall ignores Starbucks barista's tip-cup

Brandon Marshall spits on sidewalk

Brandon Marshall likes steak, hates peas

Brandon Marshall steps on crack, breaks Mother's back

Brandon Marhsall orders 20 piece Chicken McNuggets, receives 21, eats the difference

Brandon Marshall's aluminum-only recyling bin contains both paper AND plastic

Seriously, Post. This is some bush-league shit.

Monday, July 7, 2008


No news. Nothing happening. No new signings, no deweys, no bastard children, no random punchings of guys at parties, no nothin'. Boring as shit. Camp opens in three weeks or so.

Until then, here's the kind of crap you can expect from me:

Thursday, July 3, 2008

This Week in Cream of the Crop

We've only got two this week, but oh man are they doozies.

From Gaithright & Rasizer's, "Bronco Changed his Story" This is a detailed piece about the incident between Marshall and his girlfriend and it mentions in passing a protective order the woman had against Marshall and the girlfriend firing her lawyer. It prompted this bit of insanity:

KaySieverding writes:

It is true that some divorce and palimony lawyers in Colorado make baseless accusations of molestation in order to get an advantage in a civil matter even though that is prohibited by the Colorado Rules of Professional Conduct Rule 4.5. I can prove it. A domestic abuse restraining order was issued on me even though I didn't meet the statutory categories (see Understanding Protective Orders Colorado Bar Association web site). Jane Bennett didn't employ me, we weren't related and never lived together, and we never had a sexual relationship. We were never alone. I was not convicted of a crime involving Jane Bennett and no Colorado attorney general requested that a restraining order be issued. The restraining order was issued so that Jane and Kevin Bennett could get away with building extra buildings on their property at 710 Princeton Ave. in Steamboat Springs. Those buildings aren't even listed on the Routt County tax rolls. The lawyer who arranged this, Randall Klauzer, was primarily a divorce lawyer.

It was a really bad scene. Jane Bennett followed me around town calling the cops whenever she saw me and she would park in front of my house right next to the drive. She followed me thru Wal Mart trying to take my picture.

Now, I know Kay Sieverding. Well, I've never actually met the woman, but I'm quite familiar with her work. You know what I do for a living. She filed a bunch of crazy handwritten lawsuits based on this dispute with her neighbors. I'm talking Jonathan Lee Riches level crazy. It got so bad, a judge told her if she filed another complaint w/out an attorney's name on it he'd throw her in jail. She filed one and the judge tossed her in the pokey. He let her out on the promise that she would drop all of her nonsensical suits, but of course she didn't. I encourage you to read the updates she provides at that link. Good stuff. Some of the Sieverding mess can be found here. Scroll down to "Background"

From Woody's Mailbag, it's our old friend Horvil Tiki:

Dears Woodrow Tiberius Grandfather Woodchuck,

First quest, can I has Jay Cutler autograph? He hard to get from east coast.

Second, before Bronco draft in makey chat Denver Post you say Bronco not high on Clady. Then Bronco pick Clady. Why Bronco not high on Clady? Was they makey wrong choice before draft to makey other team think not choice? I watch youtoob and clady pan cake guy to ground hard then fall on guy as get up. Fall on guy as get up! Like ton of brick house! Mean spirit guy we need guy this makey all the plays.

Three, sorry guy in first quest. Secon rushmore Chanp Baily. Three rushmore Steve Atwater cause megaton Okoye hit on monday night, call see play before happen, I dont care what guys say he there cause that. Four is reserve Jay Cutsler and is megaton propeller arm fully upgrade diabetes checked Elway cross return to stomach of receives.

Thank you Grandfather Woodchuck. Mighty Bronco wisdom man. May no disease toad rain on family area abode.

Horvil Tiki

That might be the greatest comment I've ever read. Ever.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Terry Frei teaches me stuff

Things I learned while reading '77:

Terry's dad Jerry was the teams O-Line coach under Ralston and again later under Dan Reeves.

South Carolina's "ball coach" Steve Spurrier was the first QB cut in training camp.

Larry Csonka's old running mate from the '72 Dolphins, Jim Kiick was on the active roster for most of the season before being cut for good (he was cut in camp before being re-signed).

There were rumors of Craig Morton taking a dive in the Super Bowl, and looking at his numbers, that's not such a preposterous notion. (4-15, 35 yds, 4 INT's - a negative 11 QB rating, worst ever). He owed a bunch of cash for gambling debts and other miscellaneous bad investments. The Broncos advanced him $125K to cover some of it. Yeah he was beat to shit and had been in and out of the hospital for the previous couple of weeks, but the speculation about a lay-down remains. As a side note, one of the few bar fights I've ever been in started because some jackass was running his mouth about how John took $6M to take a dive in SB 24.

The Oakland A's were thisclose from buying out their lease with Oakland and moving to Denver. One of the suggested names? The Orange Sox. That would have been beyond excellent.

Elvis Presley bought Cadillacs for about half the Denver PD.

Also, Terry absolutely killed it in his column today.