Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Ryan Clady, Mensa member

Turns out Ryan Clady may be a functioning illiterate. Bank and the boys over at HOG dug up an article from the Charlotte Observer that points out in excellent detail just how dumb our new OT may be.

Clady apparently got a 13 on his wonderlic test at the combine. Ouch. The awesomest highlight from the Observer:

According to Paul Zimmerman, examples of average scores include for each NFL position (note the HIGHEST average score).

Offensive Tackle - 26
Center - 25
Quarterback - 24
Guard - 23
Tight End - 22
Safety - 19
Linebacker - 19
Cornerback - 18
Wide receiver - 17
Fullback - 17
Halfback - 16

While an average football player usually scores around 20 points, The Wonderlic, Inc claims a score of at least 10 points suggests a person is literate. Furthermore, when the test was given to miscellaneous people of various professions, it was observed that the average participant scored a 24. Examples of scores from everyday professions included,

Chemist - 31
Programmer - 29
News writer - 26
Sales - 24
Bank teller - 22
Clerical Worker - 21
Security Guard - 17
Warehouse - 15

If you read all of that, you will note that Clady is barely literate AND his score was HALF the average score of NFL offensive linemen.

Whatever. I'd wager that a full 10% of players in the NFL can't even read. If he was a drooler or wore a bicycle helmet everywhere or came out of the locker room with his shoes on the wrong feet or something, then we'd have a problem.

This isn't rocket surgery, it's football. How fuckin' smart do you really need to be?

Binge & Purge

A complete list of the Donks undrafted free-agent signees is out. Seven new guys total are in. Here's the list. I've never heard of any of them.

Anthony Aldridge, RB - Houston
Garrett Hartley, K - Oklahoma
Brett Kern, P - Toledo
Mitch Erickson, OT - South Dakota State (A hotbed of college football)
Lorne Sam, WR - UTEP
Wesley Woodyard, LB - Kentucky
Tyler Polumbus, OT - Colorado (of course. It wouldn't be Broncos football if we didn't sign an undrafted OT from CU)

I guess it's nice that we've got some kicking competition, but otherwise, I've got nothing on any of these guys. Enjoy the practice squad, fellas!

Unfortunately, signing a bunch of young cats means a bunch of less young cats are gonna get the ax. Here's that list.

Michael Bozeman, DT
Mark Fenton, OT (The undrafted CU OT from last year)
Paul Smith, FB
Steven Jackson, FB
William Kershaw, LB
Marquis Weeks, RB
Steve Cargile, S

Except for Smith and Cargile, there aren't any real surprises there. I really liked Cargile in the preseason last year. He got some playing time in the regular season, but didn't really do much with it. Smith was brought in to be a special teams badass, but again, didn't deliver.

Enjoy unemployment, fellas!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Selective Service

The draft is in and over and done. Let's take a look:

Round 1: Ryan Clady, OT - Boise St.
A beast, a monster, a correct decision, a smart pick, a potential O-Line anchor for the next decade. Good job, coach.

Round 2: Eddie Royal, WR - Va Tech
Do we really need a receiver here? Seriously, do we really NEED a receiver here?With all the problems on D last year? No. We dont. Plus, I liked Malcolm Kelly and Limas Sweed more. Kelly a lot more.

Round 3: Hercules Rockefeller, RB - Ft. Lewis College
Great value pick, tremendous upside, high-motor, high-ceiling, ran a 4.2 40 at the combine, just a tremendous football player. Excellent, excellent pick.

Round 4: Kory Lichtensteiger, C/G - Bowling Green
Never heard of the guy, but Tommy Nails can't hang around forever and Ben Hamilton is a question mark now. Good decision, but we still haven't picked a defensive player yet.

Round 4: Jack Williams, CB - Kent State
Christ. Of all the holes on the D line, unknowns at linebacker and AARP members at safety, our first defensive pick is a fucking cornerback? Nothing against Jack Williams, if that is his real name, but come on. I don't understand this pick at all.

Round 5: Ryan Torain, RB - Arizona St.
Still neglecting the D-Line, I see. I don't know anything about this guy either (honestly, I've never heard of any of the Donks selections outside of Clady and Royal.) I don't think RB is really a need either, but if you're going to draft a position that has an average career length of 4 years, you take one in Round 5 and not w/ the 12th overall selection.

Round 5: Carlton Powell, DT - Va Tech
Finally. It only took 6 picks before Denver drafted a D-Lineman (probably their greatest need going into the offseason). And his name is Carlton. Nice one.

Round 6: Spencer Larsen, OLB - Arizona
Spencer? Carlton? There wasn't a Griff, Wentworth, Wellington or Godfrey available? Are Carlton and Spencer going to be at the regatta later?

Round 7: Josh Barrett, S - Arizona St.
Two guys from ASU and two guys from Va Tech? What's the fascination with drafting teammates? It seems like the Donks do ti all the time. At least they're drafting positions of need. Too bad these guys are likely going to be on the practice squad.

Round 7: Peyton Hillis, FB - Arkansas
Can't go wrong drafting a guy named Peyton.

I haven't seen if they signed an undrafted guys yet, or read anything at all about these guys. Therefore, this is pretty half-assed, but that's just how I roll.

UPDATE: Mel Kiper grades our draft as a C+. Yahoo gave us a B, USA Today gave us a D+. All stupid, all worthless. I'm only linking Kiper because he IS the draft.

Lichtensteiger called Tommy Nails "Don Nehlen" during his Q&A conference call w/ the Denver media. Almost as awesome as Tatum Bell saying he wanted to wear number 7 during his, not knowing that RB's in the NFL can't wear single digits and that Denver had retired the number five years earlier.

Apparently all of our picks are either bible-thumpers or squeaky clean boy-scouts.

FURTHER UPDATE: The Bronco Talk boys destroyed the weekend. Killed it. Go there for all of your real draft needs, not the stupid jokes you see here. Looks like the Donks have signed six undrafted free agents, including Garrett Hartley, K - Oklahoma and Anthony Aldridge, RB - Houston. I don't know who the others are, but as soon as Bronco Talk tells me who they are, I'll tell you. I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger.

FURTHER, FURTHER UPDATE: Another undrafted free agent: Lorne Sam, WR - UTEP. His name is Lorne Sam. His name is Lorne Sam.

Friday, April 25, 2008

He's done Hillman College proud

IN: Dewayne Robertson, DT

This long awaited deal finally happened yesterday. The Donks will get the so-far dissapointing 4th overall pick of the 2003 draft. In exchange, they'll ship the Jets a conditional pick next year (Terms weren't disclosed, but some Wikipedia clown says it's a late round pick that could jump to second...and that Denver has already given him a 5 year deal. I love how people just make shit up).

Good move here. Doesn't cost us a whole lot, and it's nice that the Donks are finally addressing a huge problem on defense. Hey, at least it only took two months into the offseason, right?

The draft is tomorrow, and since I'm also changing palatial one-bedroom apartments tomorrow, I won't get to watch a frickin' lick of it. I'll have neither a TV nor an internet hookup until Sunday, so it looks like I'm coming into the law factory on Saturday night just to find out who we picked up. Irritating as hell.

I've said it before, OT or DT. Those are the ony two acceptable positions to draft if we don't move down (or up). After picking up Robinson, I think they can hold off on a DT for a while, meaning OT is the only choice. If Ryan Clady is still on the board, it should be a no-brainer. Which of course means that Shanahan will draft a wideout.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Thanks, morons

Things in the AFC West just got a little easier thanks to Carl Peterson and Coach Dungy up there.

The Chiefs went ahead and dealt their best player and Bronco terrorizer Jared Allen off to the Vikings for the 17th, 73rd and 82nd picks in the draft.

Allen is ONLY arguably the best DE in the league and he ONLY just finished a season where he led the league in sacks (after missing the first two games), so yeah, it makes a bunch of sense to trade him away for three unknowns.

KC has given up on being competitive for the next couple of seasons, and that's just fine with me.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Jay Cutler, Harlem Globetrotter, tricycle racer, renaissance man

Here's some footage of Cut goofing around w/ the Harlem Globetrotters. I've always loved the 'trotters, especially when they're solving mysteries!

Showman Special K Daley picks the Donks to win the SB, so we've got that going for us.

HT: Bronco Talk

Mark Kiszla needs to lay off the bottle

It appears that Mark Kiszla has once again gotten tanked and proceeded to write and file a column.

This bit of brilliance says the Broncos should pull a "shocker" and select Oregon RB Jonathon Stewart with the 12th overall selection this Sat. When I consider that the fact that I haven't seen a mock draft that has Stewart going earlier than 25, and that I've even seen ones that have him slipping to round 2, then yeah, I guess that would qualify as a "shocker." Not to mention "moronic" and/or "brain-dead." Sayeth Kiszla:

So take a running back. Make it Stewart. He's built like a Hummer. He's a load.

Or, if your preference runs more to a Mack truck with a Ferrari gearbox, then the rock-carrier for the Broncos is Rashard Mendenhall of Illinois.

S-M-R-T. What about Travis Henry?

The Broncos cannot really put all their faith and love in veteran running back Travis Henry any more than the nine mothers of his nine children do.

Of course. No column on the Broncos running game would be complete without mentioning Henry's children. It's relevant!

Kiz's case for Mendenhall?

Anybody who saw Mendenhall break a 79-yard touchdown run against Southern California in the Rose Bowl would be tempted to stand up and salute him as the second coming of Terrell Davis

Yes, a single play in a college bowl game is of critical import.

Back to Stewart:

I'm guessing Denver actually favors Stewart, despite the fact recent surgery to correct a turf toe injury will slow his development as a rookie after rushing last season for a school-record 1,722 yards at Oregon

An injured RB that will be slow to develop? An excellent and "shocking" choice!
Kiz finishes up with this:

To change his team's fortune, maybe Shanahan should try something different than blaming a defensive coordinator or making a scapegoat of his quarterback.

What should an old football coach do when his genius is fading to black?

Run to daylight.

The Broncos need a playmaker to get Broncomaniacs buzzing.

Jonathan Stewart? Rashard Mendenhall?

Pick one.

Either way, the Broncos cannot lose.

Yes they can, and if they pick a running back at #12, that's exactly what they'll do. They'll do it often and they'll do it a lot.

Yeah the running game stunk last year. But why did it stink? Did they stink because Travis and Selvin weren't performing? No. It was because the O-Line was a complete joke and because those guys were banged up for a good chunk of the year.

What's more logical? Giving up on Henry and Young and giving a guy with a lingering turf toe injury $15M guaranteed or drafting an OT to help shore up your dilapidated O-Line?

Mark Kiszla, everyone.

Friday, April 18, 2008

I just ate what?

I was actually at this game, but I only caught the last couple of seconds of this little bit of fun. Pretty good stuff.

The "Real Men of Genius" ads are brilliant across the board. It's just too bad that Bud Light is straight-up pig urine.

HT: Predominantly Orange

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Big hitter, the Hamza

IN: Hamza Abdullah, S

Having received zero interest from any other team in the league, the restricted FA signed his paltry $927K tender and will remain w/ the squad for one more year.

No one was willing to take a $1.5M flyer on this guy? I know they would have had to give up a 7th rounder, but sheesh. What percentage of 7th rounders make a team and play every down? 5%? 10%? I would have risked it.

Last year Hamza was on his way to being Kenoy Kennedy, Jr., an all hit, no tackle, average cover safety. He needs to get better in run support and he needs to learn how to wrap-up instead of trying to take someone's head off on every ball thrown his direction. If he does, he'll be a pretty damn good safety.

He'll have competition for the starting job he stole from Nicky Ferguson last year in the form of the M&M boys. (M. McDaniel, M. McRee).

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I shamed them into doing this (not really)

IN: Darrell Jackson, WR

I guess I was a little premature (that's what she said) in calling the team out for signing Samie Parker and not Darrell Jackson. Turns out there was just a little delay in getting it done.

Well done, Shanny. This buys you exactly ten days worth of goodwill. If you draft anything other than an OT or DT w/ pick #12 (if we're still there), all happy feelings will be gone.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Book your flights now

The aught eight shed-yule is out. Let's break it down:

Mon, Sept. 8 — at Oakland
First of three prime time games this year. A division rival to start off the season means we have to be ready to go immediately. If we don't play better than we did in the last three openers, this could be the start of a very long, very painful season.

Sun, Sept. 14 - SD
Wait, two division games to start the season. First home game of the year. Right now SD is light years better than us. As long as we give up less than 41 and score more than 3, it's an improvement. Christ that's depressing.

Sun, Sept. 21 - NO
A tough, high scoring team comes to town. We didn't stop anybody last year, can we stop these guys? Am I going to this game? You bet your sweet ass I am. It's been a loooonnnnnggggggg time since NO came to town.

Sun, Sept. 28 - @KC
Bullshit 11am Mountain start time for this one. I hate the early games, but at least we're going to KC in Sept. instead of December for a change. Half of our division schedule is now over. It's week 4.

Sun, Oct. 5 - Tampa
I've got nothing here. If Jake was playing, maybe I'd have something witty to say. Tampa always plays us tough. Expect a thrilling 12-9 score here.

Sun, Oct. 12 - Jax
God, I hate Jacksonville. Thanks for making us play them every year, NFL. Assholes. I'll probably be in attendance for this one, too.

Mon, Oct. 20 - @NE
Primetime game #2. The Patsies are our bitches. On and off the field, they're our bitches. If they're 6-0 by the time this game rolls around they're going home 6-1. Pencil in a blowout win. Hey, that rhymes!

A week 8 bye? Can't ask for anything more perfect than that.

Sun, Nov. 2 - Miami
The Fins are terrible. Just horribly, horribly awful. This one should be easy. Then again, so was the game in Oakland last year, so who knows? Donks should dominate, though. I'll be in the stands for this one, too.

Thu, Nov. 6 - @Cleveland
Last primetime game of the year unless NBC utilizes the flex schedule and adds us to their slate of games. This is a Thursday nighter on the NFL Network, which means me and several other people around the country will get to watch it. Yeah, I paid the extra $6 or whatever for the NFLN. It was worth every penny.

Cleveland was overhyped last year, but they're still pretty decent. They blew a frickin' shitload of cash on high-end free agents this offseason, so they're stacked and packed. Tough game. They have a special dislikin' for us in Cleveland, so hopefully everyone brings sandwiches and shit with them. I wouldn't eat in a Cleveland restaurant with a job title of "Denver Bronco"

Sun, Nov. 16 - @Atlanta
Hey, who's that old man kicking 35 yarders for the shitty Falcons? Guy looks familiar.

Sun, Nov. 23 - Oakland
Hopefully this will be a the back end of a season sweep. You know I'm going to the stadium on Raider day. I enjoy the fist-fights and arguing w/ Raiders fans, using logical quips and smart comebacks as they furrow their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.

Sun, Nov. 30 - @NYJ
I've got nothing here. It'll be the Donks last ever trip to the Meadowlands, though. So that's something, I guess. They are getting a new stadium in '09, right?

Sun, Dec. 7 - KC
Another back end of a season sweep. Yeah, that's right. KC is awful and their head coach is one of the biggest idiot clowns ever to strap a Motorola headset to his ear.

Sun, Dec. 14 - @Carolina
Other than yet another horse-hockey 11am start, I've got nothing. Is Jeff Lewis still playing for them?

Sun, Dec. 21 - Buffalo
How's Kevin Everett doing? No Elam for a "Geronimo" field goal at the end of the game anymore. Hopefully it won't come to that. I'll be one of 76K on hand for this one.

Sun, Dec. 28 - @SD
Hopefully our playoff fate and seeding have already been decided, because this is not a good place to end the season.

What does it all add up to? 14-2 and an AFC West Championship. Book it.

Something funny, guy? Why are you laughing?

Figures - UPDATE

IN: Samie Parker, WR

Of course. The guy I called a "warm body" yesterday is the guy they signed. The other guy? Who the fuck knows. We now have 10 wideouts on the roster, and I don't see us adding any more before camp. Aside from Marshall and Stokley, the list is a veritable who's who of american receiving nobodies. Such luminaries as Keary Colbert, Derrick Hamilton, Taylor Jacobs, Glenn "The Truth" Martinez, Marquay McDaniel, Cliff Russell and Edell Shephard grace the roster. Now that is a list! UPDATE: Derrick Hamilton is not on this list anymore. The squad dumped him and some TE I've never heard of earlier today. They'll probably fill the void with a third punter or something.

Look, Parker's not awful. He's certainly not any worse than Keary Colbert or any of the other clowns I mentioned, but no matter how bad a year he just had, Darrell Jackson is an order of magnitude better than any of them.

It seems to me that if you've got one of the best arms in the league AND your top wideout just slashed nerves, muscles and tendons in one of his arms AND your number two wideout is white, 32 and injury prone, you should probably look at an impact type of guy at that position.

Samie Parker and Keary Colbert are not impact type of players.

I don't really understand what the fuck is going on over at Dove Valley this offseason.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Some stuff...and junk!

Hey hey, stuff...and junk (not related to Cutler/Marshall) is finally happenin.'

Looks like the Donks are looking at some FA kickers, including Mike Vanderjagrmeister and Mitch Berger. Mitch Berger? I thought Mitch Berger was Methuselah old, but it turns out he's only 35. I wouldn't mind having either of those guys on the team. As long as the "idiot kicker" keeps his mental deficiencies and booze problems off the field on Sunday, he's pretty servicable. I seem to recall Berger absolutely hammering punts when he came to town, so we'll see.

In other smart personnel decisions (if they come to fruition), the Donks are looking at FA wideout Darrell Jackson. Jackson had a down year last year, but SF is so god-awful, it's kind of hard to fault a guy for that. Just a smart, smart decision to go after him. He will likely easily be the number two guy and could fill in for Marshall if he's not ready to go by camp. This is something that should have happened before they even sniffed at Keary Colbert. The other wideout in the article, Samie Parker, is nothing more than a warm body.

The good news is that it appears that the team is starting to deal with filling some of their glaring holes. DT and the O line are next up...hopefully.

Turns out I'm going to be moving into a different palatial one bedroom apartment during draft weekend. It'll be the first draft I've missed in quite a while and I'm a little bit irritated by that. Next time I'm signing an 11 month lease.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Here we fuckin' go again

The Godfather has chimed in on Cutler's criticisms of Brandon Marshall last week. Head over to the D-Post for the video. Looks and sounds like John may have had a couple of cocktails in him at the time. Hey, that's his right. If I was John Elway I'd be drunk 24-7 and nailing 25 year old's with giant fake bulbous tits, too.

Bottom line is that John feels that Brandon's injury isn't "that big of a deal" and that any criticsm leveled at him by Cutler should have been done in private.

Cut's response:

"If I would have known it was going to be such a big story and get picked up by the national media like it did, I probably would have chosen my words a little more carefully," and "John can say what he wants...I'm not about to disagree with John Elway, but I've said from Day One, we're not the same quarterback on or off the field"

Fair enough, from both parties. John Super Bowl MVP'd his way off into the sunset nearly a full decade ago. It's a different game now. Sometimes the only way to reach a dipshit teammate is to slap his face through the media. Which Cutler didn't even really do, but whatever.

So please, let's let this fucking story die already, ok? I don't want to read any more nonsense about what Floyd Little or Randy Gradishar or Goose Gonsoulin thinks about the situation. I don't want to hear Brandon Marshall's name again until he's ready to play. LET IT DIE.

Monday, April 7, 2008


There's noting going down in Broncoland. Brandon Marshall got his cast off. Whoopdie-frickin'-doo.

Since it's boring as shit round here, I'm going to post maybe the most disturbing fan tribute video I've ever seen. It's some whack-job's poem about how much he loves Jay Cutler.

Topic: Good. Execution: Yes, someone execute this sick maniac.

I like at the end how he points out how not gay he is. This after mentioning how he'd like to be Jay's wife and how he's the only one that makes Jay moan. UGH

I feel disgusting. I need to take a shower.

Friday, April 4, 2008

It's a celebration, bitches!

Happy Birthday to Robert Downey, Jr., David Cross, Scott Rolen, Heath Ledger and Jamie Lynn Spears.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Jay Cutler "rips" into Brandon Marshall - UPDATE

Headlines from around the web on this day after April Fools (You didn't really think I was going to start talkin' Mammoth did you? You did? You're an idiot):

"Marshall in Cutler's Doghouse" - D-Post.

"Cutler Not Easy on Marshall" - RMN

"Broncos' Cutler calls out Marshall for suffering gash on right forearm" - ESPN

"Broncos QB rips wide receiver" - SI

"Broncos QB Jay Cutler rips troubled WR Brandon Marshall" - Yahoo

Look, fuck all of you clowns, ok? This wasn't a ripping, or a calling-out or any other stupid bullshit like that. This was a guy expressing his dissapointment with a childish teammate. Nothing more. No one is in anyone elses "doghouse." A "ripping" is what Chad Johnson is doing to Cincy or what "former wideout-uniform number 84" did to us on his way out of town.

This? This is stupid, media-driven dogshit. They took some innocuous comments like, "he's not my favorite person right now" and "I'm disspointed" and "he's gotta get it together" (or whatever the quote is) and they're trying to turn it into Hatfield v. McCoy. They're looking for any angle. Any even remotely interesting story.

Here's the video, judge for yourself.

UPDATE: I tivo PTI every day and watch it when I get home from the law factory. Guess what story number 4 was? Jesus. The Donks finally get some national pub from something other than being a terrible football team or someone dying and it has to be about this crap?

The boys over at Bronco Talk happen to agree w/ me, so there you go.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Screw the Broncos

I'm ready to call it quits with these clowns. All the on and off the field failures of this team over the past couple of years have driven me to drink. I can't take pulling for these assholes anymore.

From now on, this is a Colorado Mammoth blog. Be sure to check back regularly for interesting tidbits on Brian Langtry, Jason Wulder and the rest of your Colorado Mammoth!

For instance, did you know that the Mammoth have two guys named Chris Gill on their squad? Of course you didn't. That's the kind of insight you'll only get here at Maroon Bucksnorts.