Friday, April 27, 2007

I knew it. I fuckin' knew it

I just spent an hour typing up my top five draft picks of the Shanahan era, only to watch the fucking thing disappear. I'm not doing it again. Trust me though, it was well written and hy-larious.

Here was the list:

6. John Mobley
5. Dan Neil
4. Tie: DJ Williams & Ian Gold
3. Clinton Portis
2. Trevor Pryce
1. Al Wilson

There you go. I'm really pissed off right now.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

My thoughts drift back to erect nipple wet dreams about Mary Jane Rottencrotch and the Great Homecoming Fuck Fantasy

It's that time of year. Crazy-ass and slightly less crazy-ass rumors about the draft are starting to surface. It's the same thing every year: someone's moving up, someone's moving down, someone's moving side-to-side.

Neither of the above-linked rumors are going to happen. They're just not. I mean, the Calvin Johnson rumor is just plain ridiculous. It's absurd nonsense. The Willis rumor is slightly more likely since it involves dealing with the Texans or "Denver, Jr.," but I don't think it's happening. Do you honestly think that Shanny's tipping his hand about trading up? Did anyone at all have any idea that we were thinking about trading up last year? No, they didn't. You never saw it coming, and that's the way it should be.

The Kiper's, McShay's and the Mayock's of the world make their living on pure speculation. No one has any clue what's going to happen, especially with the Donks involved. My guess is we stay at 21 and draft the best DL prospect available. We'll see how it shakes out.

ALSO: There's a totally bizarre story over at the D-Post about Damien Nash's brain. I guess it's for a good cause, but still....freaky!

Monday, April 23, 2007

I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime

The draft is this weekend, and I'd like to get the bad karma out of the way early. Shanahan has been criticized harshly, and rightly so, for some of his draft day flubs. He's improved a little bit the last couple of years (excluding one monumental, insane fuck-up in '05 - more later) but overall, his track record w/ drafts is weak (although he seems to do pretty well with linebackers).

So here's a list of the 5 worst draft choices during the Shanahan era. I'm limiting it to the first 3 rounds, because later picks are pretty much a crapshoot for everyone. Sometimes you'll find a Terrell Davis, but you're more likely to find a Kevin Kasper.

5. Terry Pierce, LB (2nd round pick - 51st overall, 2003). What can we say about Terry? How about 8 total tackles and 1 pass deflection for his entire 3 year stay w/ the Broncos. That's the exact opposite of productive. He was injured for a portion of his career, so I cant knock him too much. LB's taken after Pierce? Lance Briggs, Cato June, Hunter Hillenmeyer.

4. Paul Toviessi, DE (2nd round pick - 51st overall, 2001). Toviessi never suited up, never played a down and was out of the league after one year. We're getting pretty good value w/ that 51st overall pick. Again, he was injured, but I still cant cut these guys that much slack. Why draft an injury risk? DE's taken after Toviessi? Well, there's Derek Burgess. Obviously this was a piss poor draft for DE's, but guys available after 51 included: Chris Chambers, Travis Henry and Edge Hartwell.

3. Willie Middlebrooks, CB (1st round pick - 24th overall, 2001). The absolute worst draft Shanny's overseen. Middlebrooks, Toviessi, Reggie Hayward, Ben Hamilton, Nick Harris and Kevin Kasper. Ouch. That's a horrifying line-up right there. Only Hayward and Hamilton were productive and only Hamilton is still on the team. Hayward parlayed one overrated year into a monster deal w/ Jacksonville only to get hurt after a couple of games. Harris was a fuckin' punter (and 4th round pick - two rounds before anyone else would have taken him) and he couldn't even beat out Tommy Rouen. Kasper is white. Middlebrooks, drafted to be a shut down corner and explosive return man, was neither. Here's a look at his career path: Never started here and barely played on defense, was a poor returner, got traded to SF for the wildly underrated John Engleberger, got cut by SF, re-signed here and got cut again. CB's taken after Willie? Ken Lucas, Fred Smoot and Andre Dyson. Lets forget this draft ever happened.

2. Marcus Nash, WR (1st round pick - 30th overall, 1998). Ah, Marcus. You and your 4 catches for 76 yards were invaluable in helping the team obtain that stellar 6-10 record in '99. The next year you were traded to Baltimore, where you never suited up. Now you're with the Dallas Desperados of the Arena League. WR's taken after Nash? Hines Ward, Az Hakim and Germane Crowell.

1. Maurice Clarett, RB (3rd round pick - 101st overall, 2005). The story leading up to the draft was who would be willing to take a chance on Clarett. Shanny shocked everyone by picking him with the last pick of the 3rd round. Rumor was that Miami was going to take him w/ the 104th overall pick, so Shanny snatched him up. Clarett turned out to be an unmitigated disaster in every sense. He barely practiced due to an ankle injury, which a lot of veterans insisted he was faking. He clashed with the strength coach and even had the balls to demand that he be fired. He supposedly got caught drinking liquor in the weight room. Not surprisingly, he was part of the first cuts in training camp. After being cut, his life went into a free-fall: a felony armed robbery conviction and a bizarre incident where he was allegedly going to take out one of the witnesses to said armed robbery. He's currently behind bars.

So that's the list. There are other shitty choices, however. Just missing the cut were: Deltha O'Neal, Lennie Friedman, Mark Campbell, Jeremy LaSueur, Dorsett Davis, Chris Watson, Travis McGriff and Chris Cole.

I'll fire off the good karma list later on this week.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Yes sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.

- This picture cracks me up.

It's official. The Broncos completely own the Patriots in every conceviable way. From on the field to in the league office, the Pats are the Broncos bitch.

While the Pats have pretty much torn up the league for the last few years, the Donks have their number, winning 7 of the last 10 (including a playoff win) and at times making them look silly in the process.

Couple this with the absoulte pimp-slap they laid on them with the Sauerdoughbrun deal and somewhere there has to be a pissed-off, jackass Pats fan throwing pizza at someone else.

Wait, there he is

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Tom Roberts is so boring his brother is an only child.

Christ, it's the dead zone. There is literally nothing at all happening in Broncoland.

Todd Sauerdoughbrun filed a grievance w/ the league over some bullshit technicality (the Patsies didn't file the right form) regarding having right of first refusal? Yawn. Mike Myers visits w/ the Bengals? Snoozefest.

I'm at a loss as to what to do here, so enjoy this clip of Cut's TD pass to Javon Walker from week 15 of last year. The football talking heads didn't suck his cock nearly enough for this throw. It went 65yds through the air and hit Javon in stride. It's personally one of the best I've ever seen. I hate to say it, but this guy might have a better arm than John.

Update: The league just handed over Sauerdoughbrun to us. Asshole.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Fellas, last year I made 3 million dollars, but your 50 thousand was the most fun

Well, it's been a pretty fucked up day around the country. 32 confirmed dead and another 20+ wounded in the Va Tech shooting spree. I could make the requisite tasteless joke about Marcus Vick, but I'd rather go in another feel-goody direction.

I'm going to fire off a list of the top 5 Bronco games that I've seen in person and a quick snippet as to why each makes my list. I go to between 4 and 6 home games every year. I've been a Bronco nut-job since age 6 or so, but I've only lived in Denver for the last three or so years, so most of these are going to be from the last 4 seasons.

So, without any further ado, here's the bitch:

1. 2005 AFC Divisional Playoff (January 14, 2006): Broncos 27, New England 13. The first playoff game I've ever been to. First playoff game at the new digs. My brothers flew in from opposite coasts and my sister from Idaho to go to the game. The game itself wasn't anything to write home about, and it wasn't really exciting until Champ picked off Brady in the end-zone and took it 99 to the house (almost), but all in all, it was an excellent time. To this day, I hate hearing the bullshit about NE giving us the game, we took it motherfuckers. The following game (which I also went to) is on an entirely different list.

2. September 17, 2000: Broncos 33, Raiders 24. I lived in SF for three years, but this was the only game I ever went to in Oakland. Everything you've heard about Oakland fans is true, only tenfold. They're all thuggish, they all have prison tats, etc. The only gear I wore was a hat, but that still didn't deter the maniacs from tossing ice and coins at me, screaming in my face and "accidentally" spilling shit down my back (one idiot got shanked on Mt. Davis because he was dumb enough to bring an “Elway for President” sign). I had to take the hat off as I was leaving or the Violator would have picked me up and tossed me over the bridge leading back to BART. There's nothing better than pissed off Raider fans.

3. November 3, 2003: Broncos 45, KC 27. Clinton Portis goes apeshit w/ 218 rushing yards and a franchise record 5 TD's. Just insane. After getting pulled late in the fourth, Clinton busted out his championship belt and swaggered up and down the sidelines flexing his guns. This game led in part to Clinton demanding a pay raise and threatening to hold out, which unfortunately wrote him a ticket out of town. I miss that guy.

4. December 24, 2006: Broncos 24, Cincy: 23. Exciting game with the most insane ending I've ever seen. The words "It's a Christmas Miracle!" were on the jumbo-tron as soon as it was over. I was even able to get an "extra point!" chat going as we were walking down the ramps. Fun stuff. Again, the next week's game is on that shit list.

5. Tie: October 9, 2005: Broncos 21, Washington 19. October 30, 2005: Broncos 49, Philly 21. The 'Skins game was the absolute worst game I've ever been to, weatherwise. It was fuckin' pouring rain and it made everything an ordeal. I watched most of it from the concourse. It's on this list because that was the game they inducted Steve Atwater in the Ring of Fame. The Philly game is here because a) it was that douchebag TO's last game with the Eagles. He pissed away what was left of his good name (admittedly not much) because he got ass-reamed by the Donks. and b) because it was nice to see the insane number of asswipe Philly fans that were in attendance go home crying. Seriously, is there any team that has worse fans than Philly? I've never seen fans of an opposing team start as much shit in someone elses building than Philly's did. A bunch of them had a parking lot almost entirely to themselves and proceeded to beat on and throw shit at every Bronco fan that accidentally rolled into the lot. I saw several fistfights in the stands and saw some fucktard in a David Akers jersey throw ice or peanuts at someone on five separate occasions. He eventually got tossed.

So that's the list. Gimme yours in the comments. Good luck to everyone at Va Tech. That's some messed up shit.

Friday, April 13, 2007

This isn't combat, it's an act of lunacy. Personally, I think you're a fucking idiot.

Well, they did it. The stupid bastards did it. Al's been released. I've already pointed out how fucking stupid and short-sided this is. The bottom line is you can't just discard maybe the greatest LB in team history, I don't give a shit what his cap hit is. I know it's a business and everything, but this just fuckin' sucks.

Yeah, Al has some neck problems, but I don't see the most overrated player on the team who suffered an even worse neck injury (John Lynch) getting released.

Yeah, Al's had thumb injuries for years, but that cant be any serious concern, can it? He doesn't carry the ball.

Yeah, Al has had some problems wrapping up ball carriers the last couple of years, but he was still the teams leading tackler last year.

Al's leadership on the field and in the locker room are above reproach. He's a class guy all around. His skills haven't diminished in any significant way. I just don't understand why you wouldn't hold onto a guy like this in a death-grip for as long as you could.

So anyway, thanks Al. Thanks for your hustle, your hard work, your tenacity, your intelligence, your leadership, your speed and your devastating hits. There's a GIANT hole to fill now.

I didn't know you would sell out your country and your soul... to the slime of humanity.

So Andy Richter here signed a free agent deal with the evil empire.

Let's see, a guy leaves one of the pre-eminent franchises in the league, a playoff participant and legitimate Super Bowl contender every year to sign with a bunch of hapless, helpless, moronic idiots, thugs and general losers. A franchise run by the most clueless owner in the NFL.

You really want to be in this environment? You want to leave one of the top O-line's in the league to go to the absolute worst? You want your career to go to shit for a couple extra bucks? Fine, it's nice to see now what kind of character you have.

Get fucked Cooper. Nales carried your ass anyway.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The whole damn thing's pretty conventional now. Who knows? Maybe next week will be swords.

The schedule is out. Overall it's not too bad, but it's not too good either.

No annual December visit (and loss) to KC. We go there on Nov. 11

A 3 game homestand sandwiched around a bye week.

Pathetic NFC North opponents and we get Green Bay and the Vikings here (two of the toughest places in the NFL to play). That might not be a good thing, we went 1-3 against the even more pathetic NFC West last year.

Pitt here (week 7). Payback time, bitches (sort of). Too bad Joey Porter won't be around for me to shoot in the ass.

Homegrown tub of goo LenDale White returns home (week 11). He might weigh 3 bills by the time he gets here.

The opportunity to show Kubes just how far he still has to go to get that franchise competitive (week 15)

Opening on the fucking road again (at Buffalo)

3 two-game road trips

2 of the last 3 and 4 of the last 6 on the road. This is utter horseshit. Were they trying to balance out the three game homestand?

at Indy (week 4)

at SD (week 16). Enough already. Can we go to their building earlier in the year for a change? Is that too much to ask?

No NE, no guaranteed win

Once again, the bye week comes too early for my tastes (week 6). Last year it was week 3. Not good. I want a return good old days where you could pencil in a bye between weeks 8-10 every year.

So, we've got tough games at Indy, at KC, at Chicago and at SD, but anyway you slice it you're looking at 16-0.

Yep, 16-0. Why are you laughing?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Hanging around. Hanging around. The kid’s got alligator blood.

After several weeks of discussions, the Donks re-upped the greatest coach in team history until 2011. This is a no-brainer move, right? He's still a brilliant offensive minid (last year notwithstanding) and is widely considered as one of the top two or three coaches in the league.

That said, I really hope Shanny can regain his swagger. Last year he was awful and he cost us a minimum of three games with his piss-poor game planning (St. Louis, the 2nd KC game and SF). Lets hope he can turn this bitch around.

What's the matter? Steroids make you deaf?

The Patsies matched the Donks offer for the Bill Romanowski of punters, Todd Sauerdoughbrun. Good. I don't understand why they would want someone like that back. I mean, how many chances does a guy get to fuck up, especially when he's probably the least important player on a team? It's one thing to let someone repeatedly fuck up if he's a starting DB and KR like Pacman Jones or a decent skill position guy like Chris Henry or Ricky Williams, but it's a completely different thing if he's a goddamn punter.

I know Paul Ernster isn't the answer, he showed that last year. He was near the bottom of the league in nearly every meaningful stat. The thing is, we're talking about a punter, you can find them anywhere. Seriously, Ernster is from the legendary football program at Northern Arizona. An NFL punter doesn't even have to be from one of the 300+ colleges with football programs in this country, he could be a soccer player from Europe or South America, an Aussie Rules player from New Zealand, etc., etc.

Thery're punters and they're a dime a dozen. When one continually does stupid shit, the decision should be easy.

Monday, April 9, 2007

So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.

Dre Bly spent a few hours a Dove Valley last week, apparently re-arranging the furniture, picking out new carpeting and installing tract lighting over the kitchen island.

You gotta love the balls on this guy. Calling Pat Bowlen Mr. B? Excellent. He should have turned Bowlen onto his tailor, though. Bowlen's suits, while costing thousands each I'm sure, look seriously cheap...and shiny

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

He brought old Coke. This is new Coke.

First off, you may have noticed that the title of this blog has changed. This bitch is going to focus solely on the Broncos. It pretty much has already, but now I'm making it official. As official as a proclamation by a mediocre writer on a blog that no one reads can be anyway.

Also, if you look out the right side of the plane, you'll notice I've added a list of links to sites/blogs that you really should check out.

So whats new in Donk land? Not much, really. Offseason OTA's started on Monday... w/out the presence of Al Wilson. They signed known 'roider and drunkard Todd Sauerdoughbrun (the Pats have a week to match the offer and likely will since it's massively incentive based). They rescinded the trade for Chubsington McFattypants since he couldn't be bothered to report. The Dre' Bly deal was officially announced, they held a press conference w/ Bly putting on the cap acting like a good guy and saying all the right things, yadda yadda. The preseason opponents were announced (SF, Dallas, Cleveland & Arizona - Cleveland is a bit of a shocker, I don't recall ever playing them in the preseason. It's surprising that Houston isn't involved like always).

There isn't a whole hell of a lot going on here.