Sunday, June 29, 2008

Enough already



Please. I'm so tired of Brandon Marshall. The story makes me sick. Is he a violent asshole? Is she punching herself and cutting herself to extort cash out of him? Ugh. This is the kind of crap you can expect until training camp starts or somebody else gets popped for a DUI or announces that they've got lupus or some shit.

So screw Brandon Marshall. Lets check in with our old buddy, crazybroncofan1990. It looks like he met a few players:

Friday, June 27, 2008

We are through the looking glass here, people



Last Saturday, perhaps the greatest email I've ever received came rollin' into the 'Snorts virtual inbox. Who was it from? What did it say?

Well, it was from someone passing along a great story on their blog about Mike Anderson and an autograph-seeking kid from 2001.

Here's what got me all a-twitter, though. The author was a former Senior Director of Marketing Communications for the Denver Broncos.

From the email:

I actually got the news about Mike’s suspension from my RSS feed to your blog. I always enjoyed Orange Bucksnorts when I worked for the Broncos – it was one of the fan blogs we read regularly -- and I still enjoy it.

Ho-lee shitballs. Never in a million years would I have thought that someone who draws a paycheck from the Broncos would ever come within sniffing distance of this little slice of the internet. I average between 125 and 150 hits a day. To think that a few of those are coming from inside Dove Valley is completely and utterly mind-boggling.

If anyone down there really is reading this, you should level out the area on the west side of the field where fans sit during training camp and put in some small bleachers. I know you don't REALLY want fans there, but you're letting us in, so don't destroy our backs by making us sit on 60 degree slopes. Thanks.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Continuing Dumbassery of Brandon Marshall



Fuck me. It never ends with this guy. Just when you think it might be over, that maybe he's grown up a little bit, this comes out.

He was arrested back in March in Atlanta for beating on his woman...again. He wasn't charged, but that's not really the point. This is arrest #3 for Marshall in the past 12 months, and the second for some domestic shit.

Aside from punching on his girlfriend, here's the worst part of the story:

Marshall, who was in Atlanta training with Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler and tight end Tony Scheffler at the time...

Christ. Even when it looks like he's doing something good and/or productive, he's actually fucking up.

This isn't the first time that he's been interviewed by the cops (or arrested) and not charged with anything. In fact, it's the fourth time, twice in '07 (one involving his Dad) and once in '06. If you're tallying it up at home, he's either been arrested or questioned by some form of law enforcement six times since 2006. Once for the dewey, five times for domestic nonsense.

I'm getting sick and fucking tired of the non-stop headaches this guy has been giving every Bronco fan out there since we drafted him. You can't deny his talent, but you can deny his intelligence.

Grow the fuck up, son.

Monday, June 23, 2008

And the winner is....



Douche!

Philip Rivers is...a douche. Thanks to everyone who voted in what was by far the most popular poll I've put up.

Along those same lines, the boys over at Bronco Talk have kicked off what they're calling "Smack Talk Week."

Now, these guys are all nice boys with a nice-boy blog (not the perveted garbage that you're reading now), so this should be fun as hell for them, and you know I'll have a post over there for this week.

RIP George Carlin



Tragic.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Semper High



Uh oh. Looks like Mike Anderson, 2000 offensive rookie of the year for your Denver Broncos will be suspended for a year for violating the league's drug policy. You'll recall, I'm sure, that Cpl. Anderson was suspended for four games back in aught three for testing positive for the smokin' green.

That should pretty much do it for his career. He's 34, 35 after he sits out 2008. Not likely that anyone, save Shanahan, will give him another shot.

This stings a little, Mike was a monster for us. He did everything we ever asked him to do without complaint. Jerked him around from HB to FB and back again. Hell, he tore his groin and missed an entire season (a season that would have seen him as the #1 HB) because he was covering punts in the fourth quarter of a meaningless pre-season game. That's how much we relied on him.

Shitty way for him to go out.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Former wideout is making shit up



Former wideout has now given his completely unbelievable side of the story about the beat-down he received over the weekend:

I was just back at my room and at about 5:30 in the morning I got a knock at the door. I opened it and 3 guys with guns were there. They cracked me in the head a few times, knocking me unconscious. They then robbed me of everything I had; my watch, money, everything! Somehow they got me to a car and dropped me off in the street. That’s what happened.”

Suuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrreeeeee, buddy.

Let's say for the sake of argument that I'm a guy who beats and robs people. I have a choice here. I can drag an unconscious victim down a hallway with multiple cameras, down an elevator with a camera or two, across a casino floor with hundreds of cameras, across a parking lot with even more cameras and finally pour him into my car. Then I've got to drive him across town and dump him on a curb.

Or, I can leave his ass in his hotel room and simply walk away from it.

This story doesn't hold up on any level.

Just admit it, former wideout. You picked up a tranny hooker, discovered the penis, became enraged because said wang was bigger than yours, tried to kick his/her ass, and got your own teeth handed to you.

You'll feel better if you just let it out, man. I'm here to help.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Which one of you is responsible?


Look, the man is going to be fine.

What I want to know is which one of you did it? Who read the last former wideout post, completely agreed with me and then went apeshit on him in Vegas? I didn't actually want non football related physical harm to come to the gentleman. That idiotic joke about burning the house he still has in Denver down? Just that, a joke. I didn't actually want you to fly to Vegas and rob and beat his ass.

That said...he kinda, sorta, a little teensy bit maybe had it coming, didn't he?:

According to the Las Vegas Review-Journal columnist Norm Clarke, Walker was seen Saturday night at Tryst at the Wynn spraying the crowd with some of the 15 bottles of Dom Perignon Rose champagne he ordered.

Have you ever been unwittingly sprayed with champagne? I have, and if you're not all hammered up and/or with the asshole wasting booze, its a nightmare. A disgusting, sticky, thin film all over your face and hands and clothes and everywhere for the rest of the night. It's awful. You know not everyone there was happy about getting sprayed w/ Dom.

Does that justify this shit though? Of course not, I'm not a some kind of sick monster. I sincerely hope he's ok and ready to roll on Sept. 8.

Poor Decisions - Part 2


If you're not getting enough idiocy and poor grammar here, head on over to Bronco Talk for another guest post from yours truly.

It's terrible, but click the link anyway.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

RIP, Charlie Jones



One of my favorite broadcasters when I was a kid. It seemed like it was either Charlie or Dick Enberg doing the play-by-play guy for every Broncos game. Classic.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Thanks for Playing

OUT: A bunch of guys

8 draft picks need to be signed and that means you gotta say farvel, arrivederci, tot ziens to a few marginal players with little or no shot of making the team.

Getting pinked today was Cullen "Seamus" Finnerty-QB, Brandon "Walsh" Archer-LB, Julian "Leroy" Jenkins-DE, "Jake" Taylor Jacobs-WR, Danny "Tanner" Baugher-P and Vickiel "'s Vapo-Rub" Vaughn-S.

Basically a bunch of guys that should probably be in CFL training camps. Baugher, if you'll recall was the guy that beat up on his dad in a Burger King parking lot or some shit. Watch out, Mom. You're next.

Also, I'm actually kind of glad a guy whose real nickname has to be Vicky isn't around menstruating all over the locker room.

This Week in Cream of the Crop




It's time for another installment of Cream of the Crop. I realize the last one was only three posts ago, but these ninnies are pretty much forcing my hand. I understand that there's actual football practice going on, but I can't get too into that. Other than injuries, there's nothing interesting at all about practice. The player quotes are all essentially the same, the player features are pretty much all the same. No one's giving up any real info in June.

Jay Cutler says winning is the key? Fascinating! Shanny says there's competition at Right Tackle? ZOMG! Brandon Marshall made a one handed catch? Wowie Zowie! Dre Bly picked off a pass in practice? Poot! John Lynch may or may not have a broken nose? Stop the presses!

It's good to know that kind of stuff, but it doesn't make for good copy here at the 'Snorts. On to the insanity!

From Klis' Broncos RB defending his life:

A feel good article about a Bronco from Klis? Well written to boot?

"Dammit SPOCK, we overshot our reality again....

Hate alternate universes... ah at least one thing is for certain in all universes..." the captain mused.

The Raiders still **** at football."

The Vulcan just nodded in quite agreement.

"Crank this Enterprise around Sulu and get the calculations right this time..." the captain commanded,

"President Gore is gonna yell at us if were late again..."

daniel


I don't really understand this, but you can't go wrong with Star Trek fan fiction...except always.

From somebody's Scheffler should be back next week:

GO BRONCOS!! get healthy and play football!!! i think we gone win the superbowl this year for real. it's no excuse for us not to. we have all the weapons imaginable on offense and defense. We going to be a sleeper this year. Maybe in everyone elses yes. but to me, its no surprise.

e morant


Unbridled optisim is good, but this is nonsense. No excuse for us not to win the superbowl? All the weapons imaginable? On defense? I always predict 16-0, but this guy needs some decaf.

From Legwold's Special K: Koutouvides a serial thriller (the title of this article alone deserves mockery):

denmex writes:
GUYS U KNOW I BLEED ORANGE BUT KOUTOUVIDES HASENT EVEN WON THE STARING MLB IN CAMP, NETE WEBSTER IS STILL IN THE MIX SO 4 ME THAT MEANS THAT KOUTOUVIDES HAS NOT IMPRESS ANY ONE ON THE COACHING STAFF I OLSO HOPE THAT HE BECAMES A GOOD MLB BUT IS STILL TOO EARLY TO COMPARE HIM WITH OLD AL, SO XZACGENIUS LETS CROOS OUR FINGRS FOR A BETTER D AND THEN WE CAN START TALKING ABOUT A PLAYOFF SPOT.
GO BRONCOS


The simple fact that Nate Webster is on the roster means the coaches aren't impressed w/ Koutouvides? Idiocy. I also enjoy "croos our fingrs." Also, try using a period sometime.

From Krieger's Open Door needs more messengers:

forevertj writes:
Him wearing an Obama T shirt destroys all his credibility with me


So the scuffle with the gangbangers that got someone killed, the DUI and lying about how he fucked up his arm are ok in your mind, but a black man supporting a black candidate is what destroys his credibility? You've got to love this state sometimes.

From Lindsay Jones' Marshall ready to handle camp, weight workouts:

Hes a stud. and i want to kiss his lips.

Ryan


Whoa there, guy. Simmer down now.


Tune in next week. These are kind of fun and they pretty much write themselves.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Do do me, Love


I just realized that there's a lot of hate going on around here. Hating on former wideout, hating on newspaper article commenters, hating on Mike and Mike, hating on Woody Paige, hating on the team for dumping Travis Henry too early, etc. A lot of hate. An unhealthy amount of hate.

So, for a change of pace, here's some good shit goin' on round the e-tubes:

Mile High Report is running a series titled "The Greatest Broncos of all time...By the Numbers" Brilliant idea, wish I would have thought of it first. Some interesting decisions to make. Who gets 20? Louis Wright or Maurice Clarett? Who gets 53? Randy Gradishar or Louis Green? Seriously though, there are real decisions at a bunch of these positions, including 87 where there are two ring of famers and Good Feet spokesmodel Easy Ed McCaffrey (Tombstone takes it, I think).

The HOG is a bunch of professional writers, writing professionally. Good stuff over there, always. Even though almost everything Banky says about the Broncos is completely wrong. Pretty good for a bunch of guys that matriculated from a half-assed college for pot-heads, future militia members and mountain bike enthusiasts.

Terry Frei over at the Post is still excellent. If you haven't picked up '77, you need to do so immediately. You can set my friend Jim Saccomano's book on fire if you like, that's how worthless it is (eh, a little hate never killed anyone.)

The Commish says there's no 2008 Summer Mission. Can't be.

Phony Gwynn over at And Here Come the Pretzels (you can call 'em Whitey whackers) started a weekly look at the pages of SI so you and I don't have to.

Brandon Marshall talks to the kids...and sets them back five years grammatically.

The Bronco Talk boys are always on it. Player profiles, link dumps, they've got it all.

That's enough love for now. I'm spent...all over your face.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Former wideout uniform number 84 is still running his idiot mouth



Can someone put a muzzle on this fucking clown?

"It's personal", says former wideout uniform number 84.

"That team is going to see me in the opener," Walker said. "They are going to see me, I'll tell you that. They'll see what they are missing."

Here's what "that team" is missing:



"That team" is also missing one of these:




And these:



Former wideout says things came to a head during the Jax game last year.

"I was open and they didn't get me the ball," Walker said. "Here I was busting my butt, draining my knee, to be able to go out and make plays and they didn't get me the ball. After that, I started to take care of my knee."

No one was open that game, fuckstick. We had our asses handed to us all over the field. Cut didn't see you once when you were open and that's an excuse to shut it down, you little bitch? You think he holds grudges like that? Like he's a little fuckin' kid? You're a foolish, foolish bastard. Am I the only one acting like fuckin' professional, here?



"I was ready in those final games and they just didn't want me to be a part of the offense," Walker said. "It just didn't work for me there with that team. They wanted me to take a pay cut in the middle of the season. They just didn't care about me. I'm glad I'm out of there."

You think you're glad? Hoo boy. Let's look a little closer at a couple of these brainless statements:

"they just didn't want me to be a part of the offense." and "they just didn't care about me."

These are the dumbest things anyone has ever said. Ever. Do you realize, former wideout, just how much of a whining, puerile, little pantywaist homo this makes you look like?

Know why you weren't a part of the offense those last couple of games? Here's why:



Also, this guy turned out to be quite a bit better than you:



You're a worthless sack of shit, former wideout. Enjoy that 4-12 record next year. Bitch. I hope somebody burns your fucking house down.

HT: Bronco Talk

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Cream of the Crop



In what I hope will be a recurring feature, I've scoured the comments from the Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News Broncos articles for the most absurd, idiotic and/or nonsensical thoughts from the brain-dead clowns that comment on newspaper websites. On to the show!

From Klis' "Bucs say Plummer owes $7M":

So the running backs were taught a lesson with the Travis Henry mistake, and the quarterbacks were taught a lesson with the Jake Plummer mistake. I guess if Shanahan makes enough mistakes everyone will be motivated enough to win a few games. Wake me up when that happens

Nick K


How exactly was Jake Plummer a mistake? Because you didn't like him? I'm so sick of hearing about how terrible Jake was. All Jake did was go 10-6, 10-6, 13-3, get the team to an AFC championship game, set franchise records in 1) passing yards in a game, 2) passing yards in a season 3) TD passes in a season (tied) and 4) consecutive passes w/out an interception. Shitty!

From Paige's "2,000 for Young, don’t laugh"

Excellent work from Woody. Great stats with a fascinating look at the rest of the rookie class! Thanks, Woody. You did yourself proud.

ES


Fascinating look? All he did was list the running backs drafted in '07 (in a format nearly impossible to read w/out getting a headache) and gave their yardage total. Also, giving Woody any kind of praise whatsoever will land you here.

From Lindsay Jones' (who?) "Shanahan's actions speak loud, clear"

O1 Henry probably wasn't around to be told he was cut if you read between the lines. PFT.com has noted of rumors of a confrontation between Ol Henry & Shanny so if that did happen Shanny wouldn't want to talk to him again anyway! Message sent to all on the squad now that's for sure: show up, shut up, & gettr' done! This will be a better team than last year ...... Thank GOD!

DG


O1 Henry? Is that supposed to be O Henry or Ol' Henry? Gettr done, indeed.

The best for last. From Armstrong's "Henry gone, but Young is just getting started"

Selfin not "very" small, he 5' 11" 210 just like Terrel Davies ( 5'11 210). He makey plays with lot of poise guy, lot of poise rookie. If can break tackle beter and smash enemy player watch Selfin cards go up ebay.

Horvil Tiki


Yikes! Normally I wouldn't make fun of an ESL guy, because multilingual people are pretty impressive to me, but "makey plays" is my new favorite phrase.

I'm not picking on the Post here, but the News didn't really have any terrible comments. Tune in sometime for another installment. Maybe.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Why now?

OUT: Travis Henry, RB

The Donks waved bye-bye to Travis Henry this morning citing a "lack of commitment."

Something must have happened within the last couple of days, Because you don't just ax a guy with that kind of talent. Especially a guy that just took a massive pay-cut and has been a model citizen this offseason. He was saying all of the right things in the media, so what exactly was the problem? Did he mouth off to Shanahan? Was he not rehabbing his hammy? How do you even rehab a hamstring injury?

Unless he was such a bad apple that he was dragging everyone else down, I don't understand why you would do this now.

It's a moot point though, Selvin Young is Jim Brown and Eric Dickerson rolled into one ass-kicking Super-back.

Mike and Mike and Mike to ruin Broncos season opener


ESPN has pissed off countless Americans by announcing that the Mikes Greenburg, Golic and Ditka will be back in the booth for the second half of the MNF doubleheader on week 1, Broncos @ Oakland.

I don't actually hate Mike and Mike, the radio show isn't that bad. However, they did this last year and it was a complete disaster. The audio was so bad you couldn't hear any of them without cranking up the TV and then going deaf when the commercials came on. That coupled with the fact that Greenburg and Golic spent the last half of the game openly fellating Ditka on the air, made for must skip TV.

What I could actually hear from Greenburg wasn't really that bad. If you can get past the fish-lipped delivery, he's not a terrible play-by-play guy. Golic on the other-hand, was awful. Ditka is a complete clown and shouldn't be allowed on TV. He brings absolutely nothing to a broadcast or a studio show.

Hopefully an audio tech had been fired, Greenie and Golic learned something from their time as ESPN's #1 Arena League announcing team and Ditka has another heart attack.

Was this terrible post just an excuse to run this photo? Yes.