Saturday, July 28, 2007

Me and my loser friends are gonna head out to buy Aerosmith tickets. Number 1 priority of the summer.

Rare Saturday post for ya. Broncos single game tickets go on sale in 11 minutes. I wasn't planning on doing it online, but I got screwed in the lottery down at New Mile High and decided to jump in the hooptie and fly down I-25 to the office. I had to sweet talk the dork-ass security guard in the building because I forgot the card that unlocks the front door. I showed him my card, my drivers license and the key to the office's front door. Apparently that was good enough, because he picked up his Harry Potter book, rode the elevator up with me and watched me key in. I think I'll set fire to the place on the way out, just to teach the guy a lesson.

I'm looking to hopefully snag a ducat for Oakland (every year - absolute must have), San Diego, Green Bay, Tennessee and Minnesota. There were about 20 or so clowns in line this morning wearing Brett Favre jerseys, so I'm going to try and pick up GB first then Oakland, SD, Minny and finish up with Tennessee.

2 minutes to go. I'll be back later with an update.

UPDATE: Fuck Ticketmaster right in the pants. No GB, No SD. Here's what I got: Oakland, Minny, Tennessee and KC - juggernauts all. Due to their POS website, I bought twice as many tixs to the Minny gams as I wanted. After locating the tickets, putting in all the billing info and hitting submit, I got an error message saying that my request couldn't be processed. So I tried again. Same message. The only thing is, both of those fuckers went through. I better get a refund out of it, but I'm doubting it. I'm still going to try and hit up the SD and GB games. The key is to wait until the visiting teams return their unused allotted tickets to the Broncos and they go on sale. We'll see what happens. All in all a massively disappointing day.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again

I've been asked by nobody to take over the Denver Post's Broncos Mailbag this week. Onto the show! First up is Paulie from Arizona:

Hercules - I'm looking for some info on training camp: date, times, etc. Any tips for someone coming to his first Broncos training camp? Thanks. -- Paul White, Arizona

Paul - Did you write this with a typewriter? Did you send it in via facsimile? You obviously have access to a computer. Training camp info is only posted on about 200,000 websites on these here ebays. Get a clue. Here's a tip for your first camp....dont go. It's hugely overrated. It's nice to see the players work up close, but it seems like the team goes out of their way to make it as uncomfortable for spectators as possible. There's noting appealing about sitting on a 65 degree slope with the sun burning your retinas away. Jay, you're up:

Hey, Hercules - We haven't heard much from mini-camp about Mike Bell. We all know Travis Henry will be the major ball carrier, but will Bell hold on to the very important, yet underrated No. 2 spot? -- Jay Macias, Washington

No way to tell. You seem to be forgetting last year, Jay. Shanahan named Bell, an undrafted rookie, his starting tailback during training camp. He's so unpredictable, it wouldn't surprise me if he named Selvin Young the starter, moved Jason Elam to the #2 spot and told Gerard Warren he'll be returning punts. Anything is possible with this guy. Foreign dude, you're next:

Hercules - At the end of last season, it seemed like Jay Cutler was out of sync with his center - especially in the last two games - leading to a number of broken plays and a few fumbles. Any chance we see a recurrence of this fan-frustrating phenomenon? Nothing worse than a broken play on third down in the red zone. -- Dan, Stockholm, Sweden

Are you serious? You're in Sweden and you're fretting about this non-issue? You're worrying about a grown man sticking his hands between another man's ass cheeks? Take a look around. See that hot blonde over there? How about that other one? What about that one across the street there? That's what you should be concentrating on, Dan. Hit it, Pacific Northwest:

Who do you expect to play linebacker along with Ian Gold and D.J. Williams? I saw that Eddie Moore, who finished his first three seasons on injured reserve with Miami and was out of football in 2006, was running with the first team in mini-camp. Is this an area of concern? -- Bryan Scott, Washington

Either Karl Mecklenberg or the reanimated corpse of Glenn Cadrez. Those guys aren't around anymore you say? Fine, I'll go with Nate Webster's flying helmet. Corey, lets boogie:

Do you think the Broncos defense will be back to its form of last year's first several weeks - or will it be better? -- Corey J. Smith, Painted Post, N.Y.

It better be better. Let me tell you something Feldman, the Broncos D during last year's first several weeks was the most overrated thing this side of John Lynch. Remember all those silly ass stats like the D being on track to give up the fewest points since the '28 Pottsville Maroons or some such nonsense? Yeah...they weren't that good. They gave up yards by the bucketload. They let every drive end inside their own fifty. It seemed like every time an opponent got in the red zone, Champ Bailey would bail everyone out with a pick inside the five. Their bend (like a freakshow contortionist stuffing himself into a square-foot glass cube) but dont break philosophy came back to bite them right in the ass. Northern Exposure, lets go:

Hey, Hercules. I know that this is hard to call, and sports writers hate to do this, but could you predict what the Broncos might go if they play as predicted (e.g. 10-6, 13-3, etc.)? Thanks so much. -- Adam, Anchorage, Alaska

What? If they play as predicted? Predicted by who, the guy that says they'll go 10-6 or the guy that says they'll go 6-10? I'll answer your inane question, however. They're going 16-0. Book it. Why are you laughing? And finally, Doogie:

Hey, Hercules. Who do you think will be the best player at his position this season: Travis Henry, Dré Bly, Daniel Graham or Jay Cutler? -- Doug, Castle Rock

Chad Mustard.

That'll do it for this installment. Keep sending in your questions and I'll keep sending in flip answers!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Fascinating. Semi, look at this. America is great indeed. Imagine a country so free, you can throw out broken glass on the streets

A couple of months ago I joined the ranks of motorist. After 3 years in SF and another 4 here in the D-Town being a pedestrian and a guy that bums rides from everyone and begs their little sister to borrow her car when he needs to go to the grocery store, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and purchased a nine year old Honda Accord from one of John's old dealerships.

Less than a week ago, I got a set of the freakin' sweet ass plates you see above. That may have been a mistake.

This morning I walked out of my palatial one-bedroom apartment near downtown, punched the alarm key and got the terror inducing four beeps instead of the usual two. I walked around the car only to discover a fucking smashed out window on the passenger side.

After I got the plates, I emailed a friend of mine who lives in Oakland (and for some unexplainable reason is a Raiders fan) and got this response:

I'm always on the lookout for those things so I can toss lit ciggy butts at them as I speed away Raiders style.

Obviously she was joking, she's actually a very nice person (the exception to the rule for Raiders fans), but I'm convinced that the nitwit assclown that busted out my window was some angry Raiders or Chiefs fan. They're clearly jealous over the local franchises recent on-field success and the bounty which has been granted upon us this offseason.

So anyway, I'm out about $250 and the next time I see a Raiders decal or a Chiefs license plate holder it's smashy smashy time. I think I've earned it.

Friday, July 13, 2007

This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we'll be lucky to live through it.

That's it. This is the final straw. I'm now firmly convinced that Roger Goodell isn't trying to protect the NFL's image with his new unwritten and likely illegal conduct policy, but is rather trying to destroy it.

Safety Sam Brandon has been suspended for the first two games this year based on two domestic violence arrests in June 2004 and July 2005. Read that again. Brandon is being suspended for two violations, the latest of which happened TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO!!!

This is what it comes down to, I guess. Roger Goodell apparently can analyze your distant past and act as he (and he alone) sees fit. It's completely fucking absurd. Is everyone who's ever been arrested for anything since whatever arbitrary date that Goodell chooses going to be suspended? We’ve all seen the appeal from Pacman’s attorney, right? I counted 70+ arrested players (give or take a few considering some guys were arrested more than once) since July 2005. Where are their suspensions?

At what point does your past become “the past”? There has to be some type of cut-off date for this type of shit, right? We’ll never know, because I still have yet to see what Goodell’s actual conduct policy is. Is it written down somewhere? Has anyone ever seen it? Apparently it’s based on the “screw you, I do what I want” philosophy.

Brandon has vowed to appeal the suspension, but what's the point? Appeals are heard by Goodell and Goodell alone. He's not going to reduce or overturn his own ruling is he? Of course not, he's a megalomaniacal dictator-type hell bent on turning the league into a church choir or some fucking nonsense. Did Pacman really erode the NFL’s image enough to justify this type of idiocy?

It's been well documented that the NFL Players Association is a complete and utter joke. They're the most pathetic players union of any major sport. These types of ridiculous suspensions will continue until Upshaw or someone wraps their head around the fact that Goodell has gone bat-shit crazy with this policy. He's fucking with the livelihoods of everyone in the league.

The only thing that is going to stop this type of shit is one of these players suing the league, either with or without the PA’s help. Fuck it, I’ll donate my time.

UPDATE: Turns out that Brandon was arrested in September ’06 for violating a restraining order and bond conditions (I guess from the '05 incident, but details are sparse) - both are misdemeanors. I stand by this post anyway. The problem is there are no set guidelines to determine what is a suspendable offense, or if there are, no one other than Goodell has seen them.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Meanwhile, things are going on... under the table kinds of things. Not too obvious but, not too secret either.

Something is finally happening here in Broncoland. It's about goddamn time.

I was about to crap out a post bitching about various pundits fantasy football rankings, or one ripping on that drunk Kiszla for this piece of garbage, (I'm convinced he writes this fucking shit because he wants Cut to fail and Kiszla has more fun when' he's complaining....and drunk) or one bitching about ESPN NFL blogger Matt Mosley for this inane power rankings list (seriously, no NFC team is in the leagues' top ten. Period. Chicago? Call me when they get some offense....any offense. New Orleans? Nice story and all, but last year was a fluke - they'll be lucky to go 7-9 this year. Seattle? Please), but now I don’t have to. Real, actual football is right around the corner.

The Donks opened up their second OTA on Monday. Here's some highlights from the week, sprinkled in w/ some linkage:

Art Donovan's bastard child is apparently ready to roll following his offseason Achilles surgery. Earlier this year I said he wouldn't be ready for training camp, would not suit up for any preseason games, and would be a part of the first round of cuts. Might be time to rethink that. Although, I really dislike this piece, alot (no pressure, kid).

Your 2007 NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year inked his contract, which included a $428K signing bonus. Hey Marcus, Boulder is overrated - kind of like John Lynch. The real fresh, sticky shit is in the four corners area. Shoot me an email and I'll get you some names...wink, wink. Seriously though, I think this kid will eventually be a monster for us.

Brandon Marshall tweaked his quad on Monday. Sweet, another nagging lower body injury for this guy.

Tony Scheffler, who broke his ankle during the last OTA, finally got his boot off, but still isn't likely to be ready by the start of training camp. This is the best news Stephen Alexander has heard all year.

D-Lineman/utter dipshit Kenny Peterson will be suspended for the first four games for violating the leagues anabolic steroid policy. Smart! The maskers are light years ahead of the testers and this idiot clown still tests positive. I'm not condoning steroid use (I'd wager on 50+% of O, lineman, D lineman and LB's being juiced however), but christ, if you're going to do it, then do it right. There's still no test for HGH, fellas.

Apparently the players are "mildly encouraged" about the fact that all three of the suspects in Darrent's shooting are in custody. The problem is, not one of them is in custody for anything even remotely related to New Years Day. Unfortunate. If they don't have enough to charge these guys by now, then barring a miracle (someone dropping the dime or agreeing to turn States'), they never will.

And finally, here's what Rod had to say about the rumors that he could be out of a job:

Am I trying to make the roster? I've been doing that for 13 years. It ain't nothing new to me. Everyone should be unsure of their status. I'm a question mark, period. Just call me a question mark."

He's not going anywhere. If it gets that far, Shanny should slap him on IR for this season and see what happens next season. Rod Smith, if no one else, has earned the right to dictate how he leaves the game. Of course, I said the same thing about Al Wilson, so who knows?

Friday, July 6, 2007

My name's Denver - The Denver Kid. And driftin's my business

The Simpsons movie comes out later this month, and 7-11 is going apeshit with their promotional tie-ins. Twelve 7-11 stores across the globe have been turned into Kwik-E-Marts. Seriously, they've painted the store (incorrectly, I might add), changed all the signage, placed inflatable Simpsons characters throughout the store, started selling Buzz Cola, Krusty-O's, Radioactive Man comic books, pink sprinkle donuts and changed Slurpees to Squishys. One of those stores is here in Denver, and it just so happens to be two blocks from my palatial one bedroom apartment. It's the convenience store of choice for me when I have convenience store needs (every single day).

I love the fucking Simpsons. Although it's fallen off some in recent years (but nowhere near as far as some people think - you cant compare it to itself, it's not fair) it's still one of the top shows on TV well into it's what, 17th season now?

One of the running gags on the Simpsons is the pathetic nature of the Denver Broncos. At the time the episodes aired, that ridicule was appropriate. Lets face it, the Donks were a national laughingstock due to their god-awful 1980's Super Bowl appearances. At that point, the Donks were 0-4 in SuperBowls, with the smallest losing margin being 17 points and the largest 45.

The Vikings were also 0-4 in SB's, but by the time the Simpsons started up, they hadn't been in one in over a decade. The Bills took some of that heat off the team nationally by losing 4 straight SB's, but it didn't alleviate the hammering of the Broncos on the show. One of the writers is obviously a Broncos fan. Or a Raiders fan….hard to tell.

I’ve decided to fire off a list of the top 4 Simpsons episodes that reference the Broncos in some fashion. Number 1 should be obvious to everyone.

4: Sunday, Cruddy Sunday: This is the episode where Homer meets Wally Kogan (voice of the great Fred Willard) while getting ripped off by a tire dealer ("These tires won't take a balance"). Wally convinces Homer and some of the other fellas to take a trip to the Superbowl. This episode aired in January 1999 following SB XXXIII (Denver 34 - Atlanta 19). The episode was obviously completed before the teams playing in the game was determined and required some clever way to announce the teams Homer and the gang would be seeing. Here's the exchange:

Homer: Hey, Moe, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl?

Moe: Oh, absolutely! My favorite team's in it! The ... [he brings a beer mug up to his mouth, obscuring the exact motion of his lips] Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the ... [again, with the mug] Atlanta Falcons.

Homer: Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the ... [gestures for the mug, and also does the mug bit] Denver Broncos.

Wally: Yeah, I hear that President ... [mug] Clinton is gonna to be watching with his wife [mug] Hillary.

The quote doesn't really do this justice, the funny part is the voice change when the teams are named.

3: Lisa the Greek. Homer is ignoring Lisa while watching football. Through a series of hilarious events, she winds up picking football teams for Homer to wager on. Here's the Donk reference:

Pre-game show host: And now, with his picks for today's games, the man who's right 52% of the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo!

Jimmy: The Denver/New England game is too close to call. But if you're one of those compulsive types who just has to bet, well, I don't

Homer: Woo Hoo! Denver! Yeah!'

Homer places his $20 bet w/ Moe.

Announcer: At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing.

Lisa: Look Dad, I made a modern studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter...

Homer: Lousy stupid Denver

Announcer: In the third quarter, New England is winning, 35 to 7.

Homer reluctantly lets Lisa watch the game with him.

Homer: Just don't say anything and sit down over there.' Lisa plops on the couch, and Homer tells her to keep moving over until she's at the far end of the sofa. Lisa sighs.

Homer: Lisa, please, I can't hear the announcer.'

Lisa: He said Denver just fumbled.

Homer: D'oh!

Pre-game show announcer: Back to `Inside Football Today', where New England has defeated Denver by a score of 55 to 10.

Smooth Jimmy Apollo: Well, folks, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time.

Homer: Why didn't you say that before!!

2: Cape Feare. Sideshow Bob is let out of prison, forcing the Simpsons to assume new identities and go into hiding at Terror Lake with hilarious consequences. While discussing what their new identities should be, Homer fantasizes about becoming number 7.

Homer: Oooohhhh, I wanna be John Elway.

Announcer: Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown. Thanks to Elway's patented last second magic, the final score of superbowl thrity: Denver 7, San Francisco 56.

1: You Only Move Twice. In my opinion, the best Simpsons episode ever. Homer is offered a job with Globex Corporation (upstate somewhere) and the family moves to Cypress Creek. In the episode, Homer says his dream is to someday own the Dallas Cowboys. Homers' new boss is a guy named Hank Scorpio who is quickly impressed by Homer due to his hard work ("My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.") and his tackling of a loafer on the job ("When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house"). After the family decides Springfield is the place they should be, they return home to the following:

Awww...the Denver Broncos! Feel free to destroy me in the comments.

Big, big ups to

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Why even bother, McFly? You don't have a chance, you're too much like your old man

For some reason, the Donks signed four players from the now-defunct NFL Europa. CB Bill Alford, CB Kevin House, OL Emmanuel Akah and OL Cliff Washburn were the chosen ones. Out of this group, only Akah is even remotely interesting, and that's solely because he's British. Wot, wot? A bloomin' Brit? What’s all this then? I'm bloody brassed off at all these foreigners mucking about on my pitch.

I really don't get moves like this. All of these guys are likely to be part of the first round of cuts. Our own Europa guy, TE Teyo Johnson, has a monumental uphill battle just to make the team, so why bother signing four more? Do we really need more training camp bodies? It's starting to look like the Reeves' era when he would bring like 150 dudes into camp. These guys aren't even good candidates for the practice squad and Washburn doesn't even have any PS eligibility left. Seems a bit daft eh, guvnuh?

Enjoy your six weeks as Broncos, fellas.