Saturday, January 31, 2009

Shannon Sharpe gets bent over the table

Call the National Guard! Shannon Sharpe got plowed in the ass.

That's some hearty bullshit right there. The fact that he's being considered as a receiver is such unbelievable, preposterous horseshit that it boggles the mind.

Was Shannon Sharpe a wideout? NO. HE WAS A GODDAMN TIGHT END! He lined up at the end of the line of scrimmage just like Kellen Winlsow did, just like Ozzie Newsome did, just like Tony Gonzalez does. I'm having a hard time understanding the HOF's justification for considering Shannon as a WR. Is it because he wasn't a very good blocker? Who gives a fuck? Neither was Winslow. He got in on the first try. Antonio Gates doesn't exactly pancake people either, but when he retires as the #1 receiving TE of all time, (like Shannon did) is the HOF going to fuck him out of a spot?

Unbelievable. There may be something to the "The HOF is anti-Denver" theory.

Other receivers fucked in the ass this year:
Cris Carter (2nd in NFL history in every major receiving stat)
Andre Reed (Top 5 in every major receiving stat)

Somehow making it in over the three guys mentioned above:
Bob fucking Hayes (not even close to the top ten in any major receiving stat). You know why he's in? Because he played in fucking Dallas.

Due up for a cornholing next year:
Tim Brown (3rd in NFL history in every major receiving stat). If Carter can't get in, Brown has no chance.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

psst....hey, fucko

Go back and read that post with the picture of the chick yawning again. It's all updated and shit.

You know who I wish was never born?

Tyler Perry.

I have no idea who the fuck this guy is or where the fuck he came from, but I do not celebrate his entire catalog.

In fact I hate everything this asshole has ever been a part of. All of it. It's all awful. The movies, the TV shows, whatever shit-ass record label he's probably involved in. Garbage.

Get fucked, Tyler Perry.

Denver Broncos!

Aint shit goin' on -- UPDATE - WITH A SCAVENGER HUNT!

Unless assistant coach hirings really turn your crank (your brother, Sugar Smacks? Seriously?), there aint shit going on 'round Bronco Town. Since that's the case, and since I've got to post SOMETHING or the good folks at are going to ask for some money back, here's a video of a few of John's greatest comebacks.

Does NFL Films kick ass? Fuck and yes sort of.

UPDATE: I actually just watched this video right now, and it's cut from the terrible one that NFL Films made for the Drive.

There is a bunch of footage spliced in here from the '87 AFC Championship game. You know, the year after The Drive. '87 was also against Cleveland, but this one was in Denver.

I'm sure they did it because John was miked-up in '87 it made for good TV. A bunch of close-ups of John barking out signals and a few other throw-away shots to lengthen it out and no one will be the wiser, right?

Wrong. It's fucking simple to spot. It's such an egregious blunder that that they repeat over and over and over that it's like NFL Films is insulting our intelligence. Can you see it? I'll give a prize to the first person that spots it (everyone loves LOG!).

Watch the video though, there's some sweet-ass like '91 practice and meeting footage featruing John wearing his hat like my old man does. Plus bonus Wade Phillips and Jim Fassel sightings.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Some people dont get it

There's the perfect storm of idiocy in Woody's latest mailbag. I don't even have any kind of smart-ass commentary on this one. The crazy speaks for itself. There are two money shots on this bitch.

Hi, Woody. I watch you every night on ESPN's "Around the Horn." I wish you were the host, and Tony Reali was stuck in the box.
-- Dupre, Bermuda

Woody, I couldn't disagree more with your "I'm a train wreck on television" comment. You're the best, whether on TV, in print, or in cyberspace! Yes, you're frequently flip, often sarcastic, but always thoughtful and insightful when I need you to be!

Larry Logan

Hoo boy.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

It's officially a new offense

OUT: Jeremy Bates, QB Coach

The guy that's been calling the plays for the last few years is out. Cutler's security blanket is out.

Here's hoping this move doesn't drive a wedge between the star QB and the organization. If things don't turn around next year, it wouldn't surprise me if Cutler decides he wants out.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


IN: Mike Nolan, Defensive Coordinator

Upgrade over Bob Slowik percentage-wise?

Eleventy gazillion!

Hey, not bad!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Coach Sugar Smacks

The new coach has a particular personal trait that I find to be quite distasteful. He's a smacker. A lip smacker.

I'd like to thank Bill Belichick. **smack** I can't **smack** express in words how much he means to me **smack**...
You get the idea. It's disgusting and very irritating.

Also, the guy looks like he's 15 and his moms cuts his hair (not unlike his new QB). That's not necessarily bad, it's just not exactly confidence inspiring. Luckily we have one of the youngest teams in the league, so the "what does this kid know?" kind of crap should be kept to a minimum.

Courtesy of the monumentally retarded Drew Soicher: McDaniels is the youngest head coach in any of the "big 4" sports. Sorry, that should be "big 3 and hockey."

Some other news from the presser earlier today:

A long-overdue switch to a 3-4 . Look for Elvis and Jarvis Moss to move to OLB's, leaving Nate Webster's helmet pounding the pavement for a job.

Nothing on the D-coordinator. Everyone was wrong, the D-Post, the RMN, whoever floated the McDermott rumor, Schefter, everyone. Morons, the lot of them. He's "talked" to Nolan, but nothing is official.

He's planning on wearing a hoodie. Just like his boy, Belichick.

He's also taking over the play-calling. Meaning Jeremy Bates is probably out. Meaning Rick Dennison is definitely out. Meaning the zone-blocking scheme that we've run for 15 years is probably out.

A lot of stuff we're used to seeing is probably out. Crazy times, man. Cra-zee.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

It's over

IN: Josh McDaniels, Head Coach

Good choice. The guy I've wanted since New Years Eve. The development of Jay Cutler is priority number one for this franchise and hiring McDaniels is the way to do it. Even if it means Jeremy Bates has to go.

Also IN: Dom Capers, D-Coordinator.

Former HC in Carolina and Houston, poached from NE by the new guy. Probably also means a switch to a 3-4. Almost as good a move as McDaniels. UPDATE: This might not be true. Others are saying former 49ers HC Mike Nolan will be the new DC. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

It's a new day, people.

Go Cards!

They're the least objectionable team remaining. I have no reason to hate them and it would be kind of wacky if they won.

Congrats on scoring this huge endorsement, Phoenix.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Broncos coaching search takes a turn for the surreal

The most recently named Broncos head coach candidate sure is a doozy. It's a completely insane idea that actually made me laugh out loud when I read it.

That's right. It's everyone's favorite face-spitting, steroid abusing, teammate sucker-punching former Donk LB. The one and only Bill Romanowski.

He said he sent Broncos owner Pat Bowlen a lengthy PowerPoint presentation touting his credentials and outlining the fresh ideas he would bring to the job that Mike Shanahan held for 14 seasons before his stunning dismissal last week

Visual aids!

"For Pat to do something like this, it would take him being a visionary, thinking outside the box," said Romanowski, whose coaching experience includes helping with his son's football team.

That's a stunning resume there.

In his more than 30-page presentation that he zipped off to Bowlen, Romanowski outlined how he’d run things if he were in charge. He would hire a new defensive staff and revamp the player personnel department, analyzing the college scouting system in a new way, he said.

30 pages? That seems like a lot of work to put into a complete fucking fantasy.

Romanowski would also hire a full-time nutritionist and recruit some of the world’s elite strength and conditioning coaches, he said.

Yeah, this is really the guy you want running your strength program.

"I truly believe that I'd be the best person in the country for the job. That's me being confident in my abilities,"

Whoa. That sounds like a pretty serious quote. I don't think he's joking around about this.

Fortunately, the Broncos aren't buying any of this roided-up freak's nonsense:

The Broncos had no comment on Romanowski’s interest in the coaching vacancy.

I guess that's more polite than laughing the reporter off the phone.

While the thought of Romo prowling the sidelines, spitting on people and sucker-punching assistant coaches is completely awesome, this will never happen. Romo's last stab at relevance made for some good early morning laughs though. So for that, I thank you, Billy-Bob.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

As long as we're cleaning house...(Part II)

Here's the definitive list of players I'd like to see hit the highway this offseason. Zero consideration has been made as to money owed or any other salary cap issues. I don't even care if whether or not jettisoning these clowns leaves us with nobody at that position. I simply don't like these guys and I don't want them around anymore.

It's a new regime folks. Let's clean house...alphabetically!

Boss Bailey, LB. Always hurt. Can't cover TE's or RB's in the flat. Always hurt. Always hurt. Always hurt.

Tatum Bell, RB. That little reunion was fun for a couple of weeks. Bottom line is he still sucks. Pack up Cecil Sapp's bags and get out.

Dre Blight, CB. It's no secret how much I hate this guy. I've read in a couple of places how he was the defensive MVP this year. A couple of places haven't been paying attention.

Tim Crowder, DE Healthy scratch every game this year. Jarvis Moss has clearly surpassed him. Isn't even good enough to spell John Engleberger.

Vernon Fox, S. Why did people think he did an OK job? Because he wasn't as big of a disaster as Calvin Lowry?

Mario Haggan, LB. Nothing against the guy personally, but he's pretty terrible.

Darrell Jackson, WR. He gets hurt a lot and doesn't produce when healthy. What a waste of money this guy was.

Nate Jackson, TE. I've been a fan of Nate's, but we've got Jeb and Scheffler. Nate is the same player except not as good as either of them. Bill Walsh is dead and Shanny is gone. It's time.

Niko Koutouvides, LB. Way to beat out Nate Webster. Way to be a special teams ace. Asshole.

Marquand Manuel, S. Ugh.

Marlon McCree, S. Ugher. Seriously, these two signings are approaching Dale Carter/Daryl Gardener territory.

Karl Paymah, CB. Terrible season. Got worse as it went on. It's time to purge the roster of CB's drafted in '05. Bad memories.

Matt Prater, K. OK. I was wrong. We should have paid Elam.

Patrick Ramsay, QB. This guy is not an option if Cutler gets hurt. Neither is Hackney, but he gets a pass because he looks like Arnold Jackson

Jamie Winborn, LB. Yeah, he played pretty well, but his antics are too much for me. I heard Jamie went over to his neighbors house last month and berated his neighbor for a half-hour for what he deemed inferior Christmas decorations.

Selvin Young, RB. Nice 2000 yards, fuck stick. I've had it with your fragile little vagina. Get lost.

There are some borderline guys (or guys that completely suck ass) that I'm letting slide because I like them for whatever reason. I do what I want!


Some guys are interviewing.

Stoops is out of the running.

Some other guy was added to the list of candidates.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of the new head coach of the Denver Broncos, please contact your local law enforcement agency.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Josh & Steve & Raheem & Jason & Bob

While Coach Taylor is clearly the correct choice, some non-fictional names are in and they're pretty much what you'd expect, except for a lone nut-job choice for a potential candidate. Here's what we're looking at:

Josh McDaniels - Offensive Coordinator, New England
Steve Spagnuola - Defensive Coordinator, NY Giants
Raheem Morris - Defensive Coordinator, Tampa
Jason Garrett - Offensive Coordinator, Dallas

These choices all make sense. As The Comish pointed out in the comments earlier, Morris is likely the Rooney Rule guy. Of everyone here, I'd like to see McDaniels or Garrett get the nod. I really think you need an offensive-minded guy when your as stacked on that side of the ball as we are.

I'd be fine with Spags or Morris, provided they left the offensive coaching staff alone, but that will never happen. No, it's gotta be an offensive guy.

Now for the crazy name:

Bob Stoops - Head Coach, University of Oklahoma

Jesus. You might as well actually hire Kyle Chandler if you're going to do that. I'm sure Bob Stoops is a fine gentleman, but I cannot stress enough how bad of an idea that is. He has zero NFL coaching experience. None. There isn't a single head coach in this league that came straight from college. The last two guys I recall making that leap were utter failures (Lane Kiffin and Bobby Petrino). This is a very bad idea.

Denver is by far the most attractive head coaching job that will be available this offseason, so we should have our pick of these guys. I'm pulling for McDaniels, even though I'm actually (checking...) 18 days older than him. Christ, I'm getting elderly.

The search is over

Here's your man.