Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Siskel and Ebert caught my show. They gave me one finger up.

And....boom goes the season. We're finished. Stick a fork in the motherfucker. Barring some kind of miracle scenario, we're done.

Who do you blame? Jim Bates? Shanny? Bowlen, for letting Shanny run roughshod with no accountability? Scott O'Brien? Heimerdinger? Kubiak? Who gives a fuck? What does it matter at this point? They're all culpable to some extent. It's the same old shit over and over and over: The D can't stop the run or get pressure on the QB and the O can't punch it in the end-zone. Sound familiar? It's the same garbage we've been saying about this team for the last two seasons. Nothing's changed, even with the complete gutting of the roster and the coaching staff. There's not even any improvement. If anything, they're regressing.

The Defense was a complete failure on Monday. They turned some fucking clown named Ryan Grant into Barry Sanders. They couldn't get any pressure on Favre at all and let him run wild on what was supposedly the best CB tandem in the NFL. Look, Dre Bly flat out sucks. I'll say it now. He's been beaten like a fuckin' mule all year (except for the Pitt game). I've held my tongue, but Bly has been a downgrade from Darrent. Champ hasn't been very good either. Maybe that's the quad injury, but whatever. He's not the same player he was last year. Don't even get me started on the safeties.

At this point, I'm sort-of hoping they lose out. Finishing 8-8 or 7-9 is worse than finishing 3-13 in my opinion. 3 wins is good (bad) enough to get us a top 3 draft pick, which we should then use on the best available defensive lineman. A .500 record puts us in the middle of the pack and based on our pathetic draft record, gets us a middling player.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still pull for wins, I'll still go to the games I've got a ticket for (every remaining home game), but I'm not expecting anything good from these guys. We've been reduced to the role of "spoiler" and that makes me fucking sick to my stomach.

At least the Nugs kick it off tonight.

Update: I think the Donks killed Robert Goulet

Monday, October 29, 2007

I just took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be feeling pretty good until March

Real quick one here. I have to sort of train the new woman in the office today, and I don't have a lot of time to work with. Prior to my arrival, this firm had problems with the partners nailing the sexeteries and other support staff and having to get divorces and whatnot, so they now make a conscious decision to hire the fattest, most unattractive middle age women they can find (which I guess is how I got my job, come to think of it - except I'm all man, fat middle-aged man). That's first hand from the COO here. Not good times for me today.

So yeah, Brett Favre does Vicodin.

The NFC is far inferior to the AFC. When I see power rankings that have any NFC team in the top eight or so, I just shake my head. Who's the best team in the NFC? Dallas? OK. Would you take Dallas over say, Jax or Baltimore in a neutral stadium? I sure as fuck wouldn't, yet you see Dallas at #3 in every power ranking you look at. It's like they're under some type of obligation to have a crapass NFC team high up somewhere. The tables have turned, you NFC can thank the '97 Donks for that score.

We should be able to get a win here, but we'll see how it shakes out. Back to back W's over one loss teams on national TV would be nice.

PS: Sorry for jinxing the Rox.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I'm gonna get drunk! I'm gonna get drunk right now!

Jesus....Brandon Marshall is turning into a first-class dipshit. Last summer he was arrested on a domestic violence charge, a couple weeks ago he called the fans that had better things to do than watch the worst home battering in four decades "bandwagon," and now this. Not to mention the rumors and rumblings about how it was Marshall and his cousin that were running their mouths and starting shit with a bunch of strapped gang-bangers at The Shelter last New Years Eve.

Bill Williamson is saying that the since the domestic violence charges were dropped they'll have no bearing on whether or not der fuhrer Goodell decides to suspend him for a couple of games. To that I say, what? Since when does due process or final disposition of a matter have any meaning to Roger? Never, is when. "Protect the Image" is his mantra. You were investigated? You're guilty. Due process? Go fuck yourself.

I think he's going to get a couple of games off for this, which is exactly what we don't need right now. Thanks a million, dumbass.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Now, see that? That's the kind of winning attitude that's gonna take this enterprise straight to the top.

Finally. The D melted down in the second half and we pissed away a 14 point lead, but old man kicker nailed another one as time expired to give us the win.

I'm trying not to be too negative here, but the game wasn't perfect by any stretch. The D was pathetic in the second half, allowing Pitt to convert every third down (including several third and longs) and score on every possession in the later stanza. This after looking nearly dominant from about midway through the first quarter to the end of the half. We got pretty good pressure on Wafflebooger and forced a few turnovers and got a bunch of sacks, but if we didn't corral the mongoloid he was easily able to run for the first down or hit his insanely wide open outlet receiver for a huge gain.

The young D-Line looked great in that second quarter. Moss, Thomas, Crowder and Dumervil were very good (especially Dumervil - I don't care how short he is, Elvis is the real deal).

The O attack was varied and much improved in my view, even without Javon and a serious running game. The O-line looked good in pass protection, but left something to be desired in the running game.

Cut made a couple of brainless throws and nearly fumbled one away like he always does, but he showed off the cannon arm and had yet another game winning 4th quarter drive. Pretty impressive. We should still be OK when Henry gets official word that he's gone, just put the ball in the kids' hands and let him sling it.

Even the special teams was decent (except for Sauerdoughbrun's joke of an opening game kickoff).

So we got a season saving win in front of a national audience, but there are still some holes to address.

Are we back on track? Not yet....but we're close.

Friday, October 19, 2007

I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope

Things keep getting uglier here. Javon's done for the next month at a minimum. Stephen Alexander, who still somehow had a roster spot, is done for the season. Crybaby Simeon Rice is bitching and moaning about everything in sight. No one fucking wanted you here to begin with, you little girl. You're a waste. I'd trade 10 of your worthless ass for one Kenard Lang. I guess you should have picked the other team that was interested in you huh, bitch? They're doing pretty well, aren't they?

Red had it right...I hope. He also had it right when he said: "Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." Here's what I'm hoping for this weekend:

I hope we can keep Fast Willie Parker from going for two bills. If he runs wild, we're done. Their passing game isn't exactly impressive, but their running game sure is.

I hope the patchwork O-Line can keep the pressure off Cut and open up some holes for our dipshit tailback.

I hope Shanahan opens up the playbook for the passing game. This insane theory of "we can only run and throw a bunch of crappy swing passes and screen passes because we have to have 10 minute drives because our D sucks and can't get off the field" is a bunch of dogshit. Why exactly did you draft the kid with the cannon arm if you're having him throw nothing but seven yard slant and crossing patterns? Christ. Let the fuckin' kid show off the hose. You're coaching like you've still got Danny Kannell back there.

I hope Shanny keeps Stokely in the slot where he belongs. Starting the best slot receiver in the game on the outside two weeks ago was insane. Glenn Martinez is the truth.

I hope Tony Scheffler is utilized more. We need all the weapons we can find.

I hope the linebackers are as embarrassed with their performance to date as I am and show some pride. Hell, I hope this of the entire front seven rota.

I hope Champ can go.

I hope Simeon Rice gets run over by an RTD train.

I hope we can get a win and get this nightmare back on track.

I hope.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Yeah, I'll never forget that time in the shower.

Congrats to the Rockies. What they're doing right now is pretty remarkable, miraculous even. They're on the greatest run in MLB history. It's simply unbelievable. If you had told me at the start of the season that the Rox would be in the World Series, I would have knocked you unconscious and stolen that crazy shit you were smoking.

I'm a baseball fan and I'm as excited as the next mouth-breathing bandwagon jumper for the local nine, but please, lets not forget that this is still a football town. No matter how bad the Broncos are (and they're not looking so hot right now) they're still king of the hill in this overgrown cow-town...and they always will be.

I'm sick of reading and hearing missives along the lines of "who cares about the Broncos now? They suck." Well.....I care, motherfucker. I'd trade this WS berth for a win on Sunday in a split second, and I bet a lot of you would too.

Never forget, people.

Monday, October 15, 2007

You are a god damn genius!

BradyFan83 strikes again.

This time his subject is doob-smokin', baby-makin,' all-around dipshit tailback Travis Henry.

Set to the tune of Billy Joel's Piano Man and containing lyrics like: "climaxin' in women don't make for cheap livin' when your sperm outswims those of Shawn Kemp," this is a must watch.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.

Normally, I hate the bye week. It sucks to have to sit around and wait two weeks to watch your team play. Normally. This year, the bye can't come fast enough. The Donks are mired ass-deep in a giant puddle of fail. They desperately need this week to focus on what needs to happen to turn the season around...and to save me from having to off myself before the end of October.

It gets worse too! Tommy Nails and TE Nate Jackson are done for the year. Nails we all know about: Should be a HOF'er (probably not), anchor of the O-Line, heart and soul of the offense, etc., etc. Jackson is a key loss because Scheffler has been slow to recover from his broken foot and has been generally sucking balls out there so far.

There's a lot of talk about firing Shanahan, firing Bates, firing Scott O'Brien, firing Sundquist, firing Heimerdinger, firing Slowik, hell, firing everyone. There was even a "Fire Thunder" thread on one of the message boards. Funny stuff. None of it will happen probably. I personally am ready to declare Jim Bates a failure, but that's just me. I can see the arguments for firing Shanahan, but he's written his own ticket w/ Bowlen. Shanny will go when he says it's time. I don't anticipate any coaching changes until the end of the year.

Let's also not forget legendary knuckle-head Travis Henry. He's fucked...right in the pants. His case is going to get tossed. His grounds are pointless and his motions frivolous. He has no chance. All the talk about lie detector tests and submitting his hair follicles for testing is ridiculous and irrelevant. What's in question is his urine sample - the one that says he failed. That's it. That test is the decider. No offers of hair and/or polygraph testing will be accepted, nor should they. They're kind of silly and they're clearly a last ditch effort on Henry's part. Sorry brah, the case is going to stay in federal court, the NFL's Motion to Dismiss will be granted, the NFL's attorneys will get their costs and fees paid by you and you will be suspended for one year. I think he'll play in the next two games before it's all said and done, but we need to prepare for the Selvin Young era right now.

So yeah, life sucks 'round here. The only thing saving the town from countless assaults and murder- suicides has been the Rockies. If they had missed the playoffs this town would be chaos right now.

Bye week. Best week of the season so far.

Monday, October 8, 2007

The best thing you can do is kill me.

A couple of weeks ago I said it would be hard to imagine a worse scenario than the one that unfolded during the Jax game. Those were heady times I tell ya. The good old days, if you will.

I'm going to let Noah Webster go ahead and provide the game recap:

Night-mare: a terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.

Dis-as-ter: a calamitous event, esp. one occurring suddenly and causing great loss of life, damage, or hardship, as a flood, airplane crash, or business failure

De-struc-tion: the condition of being destroyed; demolition; annihilation.

Hu-mil-i-ate: to cause (a person) a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity; mortify.

Fail-ure: nonperformance of something due, required, or expected

Yep, that about sums it up. You cant put any lipstick on this pig. No more talk about "we just need to tighten this up" or "we just have to execute better." Nope. Not anymore.

The schedule doesn't get any easier either. After the bye, we've got two home games against 4-1 Pitt and 4-1 GB and then six of nine on the road. The only real patsy left on the docket is Minny. Unless they go on some kind of crazy run, 8-8 is probably the best we can hope for.

When you get beat by 38 points on your home field in a must-win game, it's time to face up to the fact that you're just not very good.

They've got two weeks to turn this fucking train-wreck around. Can they do it?

Friday, October 5, 2007

I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday, you ain't got no job... you ain't got shit to do!

Fantastic! Another setback! This is exactly what the Donks need right now!

Moronic starting tailback Travis Henry failed yet another drug test and is likely done for the season. He's got the hare-brained scheme to sue the NFL to keep the results of the failed test from being used to suspend him. His grounds?

Henry claims the league violated its substance-abuse policy by not allowing his own experts to be present for testing of his specimen.

That's the definition of baseless right there. Your guy wasn't there to hold your schlong when you peed in the cup? How exactly would having your expert in the room change the outcome of the test? They're not testing your expert, they're testing you. He's got no shot at winning this thing.

The best (most maddening) part of this story?

Henry was scheduled to rotate out of the NFL's drug program on Oct. 1 if he was clean for two years after his last positive test. That would have meant a clean slate for Henry. However, a positive test on or before Sept. 20 - the date he filed the restraining order - would earn him the one-year suspension

You can't wait a couple of weeks to spark up, you fuckin' asshole?

So yeah, the NFL's leading rusher is finished for the season. Hopefully the Donks have some contractual language that allows them to collect some of the $12M in guaranteed money we gave this clown in the offseason.

He's allowed to play until his legal issues and appeals have dried up, but what's the point? He's going to get slaughtered in court, you don't have to work in a law factory to see that. Send him home to his nine illegitimate kids and his hydroponics farm and forget about his stupid ass. Way to literally piss away your career, dipshit.

Selvin Young, come on down! You're the next contestant.

UPDATE: The crux of the legal matter is that Henry's expert wasn't independent and therefore wasn't allowed to be a part of the testing process. Henry is allowed, under the CBA, to have an independent expert at the testing, but instead of using one of the dozen or so independent experts approved by the league and previously given to him, he went ahead and brought his own guy along anyway. The dude wasn't allowed, Henry pissed and the ‘A’ sample tested positive. Now he's saying that the 'B' sample can’t be tested and he actually got a TRO granted in his favor to that effect (which the league successfully overturned due to jurisdictional issues). It's in the hands of a federal labor court judge now.

My knee-jerk take: I'm not going to read the entire CBA for the specific language as to whether or not he's allowed to postpone testing on the date of the test because his expert isn't independent, but it looks pretty clear that he willfully ignored the CBA by bringing a non-independent expert (especially when a sizeable list of independent experts had been previously given to him) and therefore waived any right he had to said expert being present. Christ, this wasn’t Henry’s first drug test. He’s been pissing in a cup probably twice a week for the last two years. My guess is that he knew he wasn’t going to pass and needed something, anything, to give him some kind of shot at saving his career, thus this idiotic crap involving his expert. We'll see what the judge says.

HT: Bronco Talk.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I'd like to meet the brain donor who came up with this brilliant idea.

The goofy bastards over at SAFER (Safer Alternative for Enjoyable Recreation), Denver's pro-doobie group, think it would be a good idea for the Broncos to sign habitual ganja-toker and overall degenerate ass-clown Ricky Williams should he be reinstated by the league. They're leasing a billboard that will go up today (directly across I-25 from New Mile High by the way) urging Ricky and his sticky-icky to come to Denver, "where people support your safer choice."

Brilliant! Let's ignore the football aspect of it. Denver will want no part of Ricky. I personally don't get how this guy gets another NFL job, but whatever. Instead, we'll focus on how stupid this move is by SAFER.

Don't get me wrong, I support their message and believe that marijuana is safer for you than booze. They did such a good job that the dank is now legal here in Denver (not really), but how does this help your cause? Why waste what I'm sure are limited resources to put up a billboard advocating Ricky Williams coming to town? It's brainless. Do you really want people to associate SAFER with Ricky Williams? No one in Denver with any credibility supports Williams, regardless of whether he sparks up or not. I can't imagine anyone wanting this guy on their squad. He quit on the Dolphins in training camp, took a year off, came back, got suspended and played in Canada against the Dolphins' wishes. This guy is bad news...again regardless of whether he rips bingers or not.

Mason Tvert, take your money and put up one of the generic SAFER billboards I see around town. Ricky Williams shouldn't be the face of your cause. He shouldn't be the face of any cause, unless that cause is "Support our Funyuns and 7-11 Chimichangas" You probably shouldn't mess around with what you clearly don't understand.

In other news: It's about goddamn time. I don't see how this is a "surprising" move.

Monday, October 1, 2007

I beg your pardon, what is this? Some kind of a feeble joke?

Same old story 'round here. Same old fuckin' story. Didn't start out that way, but it sure ended the same.

A pathetic second half defensive collapse gave the Colts the blowout win. Great. It looked so promising early on, but Peyton Manning is Payton Manning and the Denver defense is shit. More specifically, the front seven is shit. We got zero pressure on Manning and got pushed around by the O-line so bad there were running lanes so big I could pick up 10 yards.

Something needs to be done and now. I'm officially ready to call the Jim Bates era a failure, and the Donks may be leaning that way too, as evidenced by the benching of Sam Adams and Amon Gordon, the taking away of Engleberger's starting role and the rookie DE's playing extensively at DT. They blew the fucker up, essentially. Blam-o! "The Colts are so good, let's go ahead and abandon the scheme." I don't buy that it was because Indy runs the no huddle and the fat-fucks can't rotate out quick enough or because they basically only run out of the stretch and the fat-fucks can't run without having heart attacks. I do buy that it was because those guys suck.

Anyone else out there miss Gerard Warren, Kenard Lang and Mike Myers?

The linebackers and safeties were a joke yesterday, too. Missed tackles, blown coverages, you name it, there it was. DJ regressed and even the usually solid chin strap hater Nate Webster was terrible, but by far the worst of the bunch was Ian Gold. Several missed tackles, missed assignments and some poor coverage makes him the team LVP.

And the safeties. Jeez. As much as I dislike John Lynch, he needs to get healthy in a hurry. Foxworth and Shoate are terrible in that role. Just terrible, Fox especially. Cargile is a special teams monster and he should get some more playing time in the defensive backfield.

Offensively, we struggled in the red-zone yet again. They dominated the opening quarter and looked unstoppable on the ground, but only wound up with 10 points and only managed 10 more the rest of the way. Henry was excellent in the first half but got banged up and was invisible in the second, Cutler was average (that pick in the third quarter was the game killer), none of the receivers stepped up (we need Javon back immediately). The only positive other than Henry was getting Graham involved in the passing game.

So, they've got a lot to fix....still. Luckily, the division is turning into an even bigger joke than the D-Line. The Chiefs, Raiders and Broncos are all tied for the division lead at 2-2 and with the Chargers shitting the bed yesterday, it's still anyone's game. SD is due to explode on somebody's face, let's hope they suck it up at least another week.

Go Rockies - holy shit on that score, eh? They made the weekend at least somewhat enjoyable.