Friday, July 6, 2007

My name's Denver - The Denver Kid. And driftin's my business

The Simpsons movie comes out later this month, and 7-11 is going apeshit with their promotional tie-ins. Twelve 7-11 stores across the globe have been turned into Kwik-E-Marts. Seriously, they've painted the store (incorrectly, I might add), changed all the signage, placed inflatable Simpsons characters throughout the store, started selling Buzz Cola, Krusty-O's, Radioactive Man comic books, pink sprinkle donuts and changed Slurpees to Squishys. One of those stores is here in Denver, and it just so happens to be two blocks from my palatial one bedroom apartment. It's the convenience store of choice for me when I have convenience store needs (every single day).

I love the fucking Simpsons. Although it's fallen off some in recent years (but nowhere near as far as some people think - you cant compare it to itself, it's not fair) it's still one of the top shows on TV well into it's what, 17th season now?

One of the running gags on the Simpsons is the pathetic nature of the Denver Broncos. At the time the episodes aired, that ridicule was appropriate. Lets face it, the Donks were a national laughingstock due to their god-awful 1980's Super Bowl appearances. At that point, the Donks were 0-4 in SuperBowls, with the smallest losing margin being 17 points and the largest 45.

The Vikings were also 0-4 in SB's, but by the time the Simpsons started up, they hadn't been in one in over a decade. The Bills took some of that heat off the team nationally by losing 4 straight SB's, but it didn't alleviate the hammering of the Broncos on the show. One of the writers is obviously a Broncos fan. Or a Raiders fan….hard to tell.

I’ve decided to fire off a list of the top 4 Simpsons episodes that reference the Broncos in some fashion. Number 1 should be obvious to everyone.

4: Sunday, Cruddy Sunday: This is the episode where Homer meets Wally Kogan (voice of the great Fred Willard) while getting ripped off by a tire dealer ("These tires won't take a balance"). Wally convinces Homer and some of the other fellas to take a trip to the Superbowl. This episode aired in January 1999 following SB XXXIII (Denver 34 - Atlanta 19). The episode was obviously completed before the teams playing in the game was determined and required some clever way to announce the teams Homer and the gang would be seeing. Here's the exchange:

Homer: Hey, Moe, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl?

Moe: Oh, absolutely! My favorite team's in it! The ... [he brings a beer mug up to his mouth, obscuring the exact motion of his lips] Atlanta Falcons. Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the ... [again, with the mug] Atlanta Falcons.

Homer: Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the ... [gestures for the mug, and also does the mug bit] Denver Broncos.

Wally: Yeah, I hear that President ... [mug] Clinton is gonna to be watching with his wife [mug] Hillary.

The quote doesn't really do this justice, the funny part is the voice change when the teams are named.

3: Lisa the Greek. Homer is ignoring Lisa while watching football. Through a series of hilarious events, she winds up picking football teams for Homer to wager on. Here's the Donk reference:

Pre-game show host: And now, with his picks for today's games, the man who's right 52% of the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo!

Jimmy: The Denver/New England game is too close to call. But if you're one of those compulsive types who just has to bet, well, I don't

Homer: Woo Hoo! Denver! Yeah!'

Homer places his $20 bet w/ Moe.

Announcer: At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing.

Lisa: Look Dad, I made a modern studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter...

Homer: Lousy stupid Denver

Announcer: In the third quarter, New England is winning, 35 to 7.

Homer reluctantly lets Lisa watch the game with him.

Homer: Just don't say anything and sit down over there.' Lisa plops on the couch, and Homer tells her to keep moving over until she's at the far end of the sofa. Lisa sighs.

Homer: Lisa, please, I can't hear the announcer.'

Lisa: He said Denver just fumbled.

Homer: D'oh!

Pre-game show announcer: Back to `Inside Football Today', where New England has defeated Denver by a score of 55 to 10.

Smooth Jimmy Apollo: Well, folks, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time.

Homer: Why didn't you say that before!!

2: Cape Feare. Sideshow Bob is let out of prison, forcing the Simpsons to assume new identities and go into hiding at Terror Lake with hilarious consequences. While discussing what their new identities should be, Homer fantasizes about becoming number 7.

Homer: Oooohhhh, I wanna be John Elway.

Announcer: Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown. Thanks to Elway's patented last second magic, the final score of superbowl thrity: Denver 7, San Francisco 56.

1: You Only Move Twice. In my opinion, the best Simpsons episode ever. Homer is offered a job with Globex Corporation (upstate somewhere) and the family moves to Cypress Creek. In the episode, Homer says his dream is to someday own the Dallas Cowboys. Homers' new boss is a guy named Hank Scorpio who is quickly impressed by Homer due to his hard work ("My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.") and his tackling of a loafer on the job ("When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house"). After the family decides Springfield is the place they should be, they return home to the following:

Awww...the Denver Broncos! Feel free to destroy me in the comments.

Big, big ups to


Bird said...

The Hank Scorpio episode is my favorite too. So many great lines but one of my favorites is Bart in the dumb class at school, "I'm from Canada but everyone thinks I'm slow eh...."


Commish CH said...

yo, in an other Denver sports connection, I remember an episode where Frankenstein is playing hoops badly and murmurs something about "being made of parts of Denver Nuggets."

great Broncos' list