Tuesday, July 24, 2007

That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again

I've been asked by nobody to take over the Denver Post's Broncos Mailbag this week. Onto the show! First up is Paulie from Arizona:

Hercules - I'm looking for some info on training camp: date, times, etc. Any tips for someone coming to his first Broncos training camp? Thanks. -- Paul White, Arizona

Paul - Did you write this with a typewriter? Did you send it in via facsimile? You obviously have access to a computer. Training camp info is only posted on about 200,000 websites on these here ebays. Get a clue. Here's a tip for your first camp....dont go. It's hugely overrated. It's nice to see the players work up close, but it seems like the team goes out of their way to make it as uncomfortable for spectators as possible. There's noting appealing about sitting on a 65 degree slope with the sun burning your retinas away. Jay, you're up:

Hey, Hercules - We haven't heard much from mini-camp about Mike Bell. We all know Travis Henry will be the major ball carrier, but will Bell hold on to the very important, yet underrated No. 2 spot? -- Jay Macias, Washington

No way to tell. You seem to be forgetting last year, Jay. Shanahan named Bell, an undrafted rookie, his starting tailback during training camp. He's so unpredictable, it wouldn't surprise me if he named Selvin Young the starter, moved Jason Elam to the #2 spot and told Gerard Warren he'll be returning punts. Anything is possible with this guy. Foreign dude, you're next:

Hercules - At the end of last season, it seemed like Jay Cutler was out of sync with his center - especially in the last two games - leading to a number of broken plays and a few fumbles. Any chance we see a recurrence of this fan-frustrating phenomenon? Nothing worse than a broken play on third down in the red zone. -- Dan, Stockholm, Sweden

Are you serious? You're in Sweden and you're fretting about this non-issue? You're worrying about a grown man sticking his hands between another man's ass cheeks? Take a look around. See that hot blonde over there? How about that other one? What about that one across the street there? That's what you should be concentrating on, Dan. Hit it, Pacific Northwest:

Who do you expect to play linebacker along with Ian Gold and D.J. Williams? I saw that Eddie Moore, who finished his first three seasons on injured reserve with Miami and was out of football in 2006, was running with the first team in mini-camp. Is this an area of concern? -- Bryan Scott, Washington

Either Karl Mecklenberg or the reanimated corpse of Glenn Cadrez. Those guys aren't around anymore you say? Fine, I'll go with Nate Webster's flying helmet. Corey, lets boogie:

Do you think the Broncos defense will be back to its form of last year's first several weeks - or will it be better? -- Corey J. Smith, Painted Post, N.Y.

It better be better. Let me tell you something Feldman, the Broncos D during last year's first several weeks was the most overrated thing this side of John Lynch. Remember all those silly ass stats like the D being on track to give up the fewest points since the '28 Pottsville Maroons or some such nonsense? Yeah...they weren't that good. They gave up yards by the bucketload. They let every drive end inside their own fifty. It seemed like every time an opponent got in the red zone, Champ Bailey would bail everyone out with a pick inside the five. Their bend (like a freakshow contortionist stuffing himself into a square-foot glass cube) but dont break philosophy came back to bite them right in the ass. Northern Exposure, lets go:

Hey, Hercules. I know that this is hard to call, and sports writers hate to do this, but could you predict what the Broncos might go if they play as predicted (e.g. 10-6, 13-3, etc.)? Thanks so much. -- Adam, Anchorage, Alaska

What? If they play as predicted? Predicted by who, the guy that says they'll go 10-6 or the guy that says they'll go 6-10? I'll answer your inane question, however. They're going 16-0. Book it. Why are you laughing? And finally, Doogie:

Hey, Hercules. Who do you think will be the best player at his position this season: Travis Henry, Dré Bly, Daniel Graham or Jay Cutler? -- Doug, Castle Rock

Chad Mustard.

That'll do it for this installment. Keep sending in your questions and I'll keep sending in flip answers!


bankmeister said...

That was pretty god-damned funny there, HerFeller.

Denver Obsession said...

"If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!" -- Tommy Boy

Damn, dude, I'm still laughing my ass off! I would actually READ the Post if you did the mail bag! :)

Your awesome!


Hercules Rockefeller said...

Thanks, fellas.

Munpe Q said...

Hercules - I once heard it said that if you have sex with bacon around your junk that it would smell like breakfast when your done. Can you confirm this? -Jason Elam