Thursday, February 5, 2009

Peyton Manning, attempted murderer

Peyton Manning tried to murder Jay Cutler in Hawaii this week. Oh sure, everyone's saying it was a prank gone wrong, but fuck that noise. I know the truth, Peyton. You're a stone cold attempted killer.

Here's what went down:

The gang of Pro Bowl football players had been gathered around the tables, swapping stories, when suddenly the Broncos' quarterback had 300-pound Nick Mangold pushing from one side, 310-pound Kris Dielman holding the other and his cellphone swindled into the hands of a coy Peyton Manning.

Cutler's radar had gone up, but he never had a chance.

More like gay-dar. Am I right? High-five!


"We gave him a Pro Bowl baptism," said Dielman, the star offensive guard of the rival San Diego Chargers.

Great fun. Big laughs. There was just one problem. Cutler is a Type 1 diabetic, and in his pocket was his blood-sugar monitor.

Kris Dielman is a star? Dubious.

I thought we were smart enough to get the cellphone out of his pocket," Dielman said. "But then, 'Oops.' "

You're not smart enough to tie your own shoes there, chief.

"It was a bad audible on our part," Manning said. "I think we were thinking right, trying to get the cellphone. Then we realize, the guy gets insulin shots. We missed that."

Sure, Manning. You can feel the winds of change. You realize your days of ruling the league are over. Wind down your career like a man. Quit trying to kill off the competition.

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