Friday, February 29, 2008

So long - the sequel

OUT: Ian Gold

This one's a little tougher to swallow. I liked Ian. Well, to be more accurate, I remember Ian. The Ian that used to fly all over the field disrupting everything. The guy that could anticipate his blocks, fly by them and take down the ballcarrier before he got back to the line. The Ian who was so fast it that he made it nearly impossible to run outside on us.

Unfortunately, that Ian hasn't been around for the last couple of years. He's a litte older, a little banged up, undersized and he's not very good in pass coverage. Without the world-class speed all that shit is too much to overcome.

So, good luck to Ian. I was crushed when they let him leave in '04 and I was thrilled when they brought him back. I hope he catches on somewhere and has a great rest of his career.

I'll remember the good times, buddy.

So long

OUT: Javon Walker

No surprise here, he sealed his fate the second he spouted a bunch of a bunch of crazy garbage after the Vikings game. Considering the circumstances, it's some of the most insane crap I've ever heard. He got hurt. Someone had to fucking step up, right? We weren't just going to throw up our hands and say "Oh dear me! Javon has suffered an injury! Whatever shall we do?? We simply musn't throw the ball this season! Poor, poor Javon."

He came back too early and clearly weren't ready to go full out. Now he's going to whine like a little bitch? Not to mention the fact that there are plenty of balls to go around. Both Eddie and Rod caught 100+ a few years back and if I'm not mistaken, the Griestrap was slinging the rock that year. You would think a guy would want to be a part of this offense.

Whatever, fuck him. He's persona non grata around here now. Eddie Kennison (ha ha) and Romanowski now have some company.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Oh, hell yeah!

This just in...insanely wealthy men in their mid 20's enjoy having sexual relations with high-end call-girls!

I must say, I am SHOCKED! Shocked to discover that members of the Colorado Rockies, Denver Nuggets and yes, even the Denver Broncos would visit a house of ill repute. Not the Scamalanche though, they're into cocks.

We're the lace on the nightgown,

The point after touchdown,

Yes, we put the spring in D-Town!

You guys want boobs?

There's your boobs. Don't tell me I never gave you anything.

I'm going to hold off on all of the rumors about who might be leaving and who might be coming in until this weekend. No sense hammering out a post on how much I'd like to see Johnny Vilma line up next to DJ, only to watch him re-up with the Jets as soon as I fuckin' hit publish.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Notice anything different?

I changed it up a little bit. That other template was starting to piss me off. Do you love it? Do you hate it? Do you give a shit either way? Why wont you answer me?

Eh, whatever - part 2

I guess I should chime in on Travis Henry agreeing to restructure his deal (I still haven't seen the new nunmbers. Anyone?). It's a wise decision for him, given his current situation. Until I see the terms though, I cant opine on how wise of a decision it is for us.

Maybe he'll stay healthy and stay away from the Paonia Purple, but I'm not hoping for much. I see a Greek in his future.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Eh, whatever

There's a chance Jason Elam will be kicking for someone else next season.

I'm on the fence about it. Yeah, he's been around forever and he's a team guy, yadda yadda yadda, but he's not the same kicker he was five years ago. He's a crap-shot on anything outside 40, and we don't even try anything over 50 anymore.

Yeah, he made a clutch kick in week one and only missed four kicks all year, but this team has only tried three field goals over 50 yards in the last two years. Can we all agree that kickers should be automatic on everything inside 40 (allowing for a block or a shank two or three times a season)? Ok, then I don't see the point of paying Elam four or five times what we'd pay Prater or someone else when all you're getting is a guy that pretty much maxes out at 45 and is too old to kick-off.

If it turns out that Prater or whoever sucks, we fix a reasonable price. There's always a Grammatica or two lying around, right? Hell, what ever happened to all of those Zendejas boys? Did that blood line die out?

I think they're going to re-sign him though. We can all look forward to going for it on fourth and four from the 35 about ten more times next year.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Get wardrobe over here right away; take the Amigos' clothes

Poor Vance Johnson. It's been a rough few months for the guy.

He was arrested in Rifle (Rifle!) yesterday on a failure to appear warrant. He was due in court on Feb. 8 for some reason or another related to his 2001 arrest for writing bad checks. [If you're ever in Rifle, play golf, then hang yourself. Or keep playing golf until you die. It's your choice, but that back nine makes being in Rifle bearable for a few hours.]

Let's hope that things start moving toward the positive for Vance, who now owns VJ's Outlaw Ribs in Parachute. Wait, what? Parachute? What the hell is Vance Johnson doing in Parachute? What happened to the pretty boy diva-type that wore fur coats and big wrap-around pimp shades? Not a lot of action in Parachute. If you're there, you're either buying gas or your car broke down.

Now that I think about it, maybe I see what Vance is thinking.

In other Amigo news: Did I ever tell you about the time I met Mark Jackson? I did? Well, screw you then. I've told everyone I know that story about ten times and they're going to hear it ten more.

Excellent Three Amigos clip I found yesterday. It starts slow and the audio is piss poor, but stick it out. It's worth it.

HT: Mile High Report

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Igor Olshansky is brilliant

Igor Olshansky is the dumbest player in the NFL. That's not hyperbole. The vacant eyes, the mongoloid voice...he''s got it all. Plus, the guy's a goddamm commie.

I cant find any video of why he's being such a whiny little bitch, but a couple of seasons ago, Tommy Nales kind-of* took a cheap shot at his knees as Plummer was spiking the ball to stop the clock on a last ditch drive at the end of the game. Here's the write-up over at Fan House. That dead-ass You Tube link is such a tease.

I especially like how he blames the officials for the success in our running game and then in the very next rambling thought, lays out exactly why our scheme is so successful. But I especially like how he informs the viewer that if we ran Pittsburgh's scheme we'd be a bunch of wussies.

Seriously, this video is awesome.

*Blatent homerism, it was a cheapshot. Denver's O-Line catches a lot of shit for being dirty, but that's kind of the nature of cut-blocking. It's going at someone's knees...legally. Denver never gets called for illegal crack-backs or chops. Bitch about it all you want, but half the teams in the league move laterally at the snap and cut the backside pursuit, and more and more teams are making the leap (even the degenerate Raiders). I've only seen two or three plays that I would consider "dirty" and most of those were made by the long-gone George Foster. This Nalen play though? Yeah that was dirty.


Who's the old timer, you ask? That's Bob Howsam. He and his brothers founded the Denver Broncos way back in 1959. Guy passed away yesterday at the age of 89.

I had never heard of him until yesterday. Some fan I am, huh?

Anyway...nice work, sir. RIP

Monday, February 18, 2008


Christ, this shit is boring. The offseason is upon us. Nothing's happening. Free agency kicks off in a couple of weeks, but I'm not expecting Denver to make the kind of news on that front that they did last year. Some guys will get cut and some guys will retire, but for right now, there aint shit going on.

If I had time, I'd lay the wood, Fire Joe Morgan style, to this piece of clap-trap penned by dipshit Woody Paige. It details his plans for the offseason and contains his hilarious trademark puns and word trickeries! Sheer brilliance from the ass-grabber here.

On another note, I fired up another blog titled /makes jerk off motion. It's basically a video dump (movie scenes, songs, miscellaneous Broncos junk and other shit that I enjoy). If you've got a few minutes, check it out.

Thursday, February 14, 2008


Today is the one year anniversary of Orange Bucksnorts.

/makes jerk off motion.

If you enjoy poorly thought out ideas, terrible syntax and lame jokes, feel free to browse through the archives you see over there to your right. Little lower....there it is.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

No reason

That's John Boy and former SI scribe/Denver resident Rick Reilly. Good stuff.

Big ups to Deuce of Davenport via Awful Announcing

Thursday, February 7, 2008

The post I didn't want to write

Seriously. I didn't want to have to write this one, because when you look at it, it's completely unimportant and pointless in the grand scheme of things, but it's something that's been bothering me for a while and our guys are taking it much too well. Someone needs to bitch and moan about this, and it might as well be me.

The NFL, in its infinite wisdom, is allowing DC's Chris Cooley, Ethan Albright and Chris Samuels to wear number 21 in the Pro Bowl this weekend as a tribute to fallen teammate Sean Taylor.

It's nice of the NFL to do it. It's the Pro Bowl, who cares if a bunch of guys are wearing the same number, right? The problem? The NFL, also in its infinite wisdom, denied Al Wilson, Champ Bailey and John Lynch's request for the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING last year. They were allowed to wear a "27" decal on their helmets, but they weren't allowed to wear the uniform itself.

Does anyone have an answer as to why? Is it because there was something less senseless about the way Darrent was murdered? Of course not. When a 24 year old kid gets gunned down, it's senseless no matter what the circumstances.

Is it because Darrent was shot on the last day of the season rather than in the middle of it? Maybe. There was still football to play after 1/1/07 though, so I'm having a hard time buying into that.

Is it because Taylor was a star and Darrent wasn't? I don't know. Darrent was a starter, after all and Kevin Everett was pretty much a league nobody until he got hurt and now everyone knows his name.

Is it because Denver is an overgrown cow-town rather than part of the giant east coast megalopolis? Maybe, but the size of the city you play in is pretty much irrelevant in the NFL, so I'm having a hard time with that too.

It's not just the Pro Bowl either. I don't remember any half-hour long segments on SportsCenter or endless chatter on talk radio and around the blogosphere. I didn't see any other teams wearing "27" decals during the playoffs. Darrent's murder was a story for a couple of days and then it faded away.

So...I'm baffled. I just don't get it. I don't see how the league can allow the 'Skins to do something to honor their teammate that they wouldn't let Denver do?

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Even a blind pig finds an acorn every once in a while

I can't believe I'm about to type this, but ass-clown D-Post columnist Mark Kiszla finally got one right. Shannon Sharpe's comments are spot on too...surprisingly.

He's dead on there, that '98 team was one of the best teams ever to play in the NFL. They slaughtered nearly everyone, winning their 14 games by an average of 18 points, including crazy blowouts of the Cowboys, Eagles, Skins and blowout sweeps of the Chargers and Raiders. They won their playoff games 38-3, 23-10 and 34-19. Complete and utter domination.

Most games were over by halftime. They were up so big at the half in that Philly game (35-2 if I recall correctly), the Durango Fox affiliate actually had the balls to switch to a more competitive game. If that squad had been like this years Pats and showed no mercy, they could have easily put up 50 in half a dozen or so of those games. If TD had played in the fourth quarter of at least a couple of those blowouts he could have obliterated Dickerson's single season rushing record (he fell about 130 yds short). Christ, in the Cowboys game he had two TD rushes of over 50 yards in the first quarter. My roommate at the time was a big 'Boys fan and I couldn't even rub it in his face because I kind of felt bad for him. You just shrug your shoulders and say "sorry, man. Nobody can stop this guy. Nobody can stop this team."

Yet, when people talk about the all time great teams, the '98 Broncos aren't even in the discussion. It's the '86 Bears and the '72 Dolphins and '99 Rams and old-timey Browns and Packers. Is it because they lost two straight at the end of the season when there was nothing left to play for? You just saw how much it really matters whether or not you're undefeated in the regular season. Is it because some knuckleheads will tell you that the '98 Vikings were better than Denver that year even though they couldn't beat the idiotic Dirty Birds in the NFC chamionship? Well, that was a good team, but so were the '05 Colts. If you can't win the really important ones...I don't know what to tell you.

I'll take the '98 Donks.

Monday, February 4, 2008


/wipes away tear.

The schadenfreude, much like the ironing, is delicious. Po widdle biwwy simmons

The best Super Bowl I've seen that didn't involve the Donks winning. It narrowly edges out watching the Raiders get their asses handed to them back in aught 2. 19-0, dipshits. He he hee heee. Eli!

Congrats to Gary Zimmerman on getting the hall call. Its a few years overdue, but at least he's in. Biggest surprise to me was Chris Carter not getting in. He'll probably make it in a year w/ fewer deserving candidates, but this doesn't bode well for Rod's chances.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

7 in 10.

The cost of watching the Donks in person just went up...again....following a 7-9 season. It's the seventh time ticket prices have increased in the last ten years, and the second year in a row. It makes a little more sense to raise prices after you host an AFC Championship game rather than raise them after playing like dog-shit for most of the season, but whatever.

People are still going to pay it. I'm still going to pay it. Am I going to like it? No, but I'm going to fork it over.

Hopefully there will be some serious outrage and disgruntled season ticket holders will give up their seats in a fit of pique, but I doubt it. I don't think I'm going to magically jump 10,000 spots on the waiting list over this. 5 years and counting on that long fucker, and a few bucks per game isn't going to get me off it.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Clean slate

Two posts in one day for ya. I recently bought a laptop, so hopefully I can post a little more. We'll see if I can keep up the pace.

Here are my predictions for the Super Bowl. I want this on record so people don't call me a liar on Monday. Lets see if you can pick up on where I'm going with this. You're a smart guy, I bet you can.

Pats win the game 56-9 while putting up 36 in the first quarter. Koolaid Moroney busts loose for a cool 205 yards as the Pats gain 281 total rushing yards for the game. Randy Moss hauls in 4 TD passes. Dreamboat completes 14 in a row and 27 of 28 for the game. The Pats as a team bust loose for 603 total yards.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking that Eli Manning goes 7 for 28 for a blistering 28% completion rate and that the Giants finish with 34 total yards.

All of that sounds completely absurd doesn't it? Well, that's the Donks Super Bowl history prior to 1997. One yard or completion or TD off the insanely negative SB records that Denver holds. Completely absurd.

I think the Pats are going to win this game, probably by a ton. Lets see if we can wipe some of those ugly numbers out of the record book.

Does anyone care what this guy thinks?

Shannon Sharpe says the Broncos have to cut Javon Walker.

Does anyone really care about what Shannon Sharpe has to say anymore? Seriously, is he such a revered figure that every time he opens his giant mouth people take notice? He's not John Wooden is he? Is every word he butchers pored over so one can study its wisdom and brilliance? Of course it isn't.

Look, I loved Shannon as a player. When he was retired he was the greatest TE in the history of the league. He's a HOF lock (should be anyway). He was a great quote and everyone loved the guy to death. I even agree with his position, the Donks pretty much have to let Walker go. He's pissed and he doesn't seem to be able to handle being the #2 guy anywhere. But it's news just because Shannon said it?

As a broadcaster and opinion shaper, Sharpe is worthless. The guy's a clown. I can't imagine that there's a single person walking the planet that finds Sharpe interesting or insightful. Everyone in the blogosphere has nothing but contempt for the man. For one thing, you can only understand about a third of the garbled words that come out of his mouth. It's like he's got a face of marbles. For another, Sharpe has done nothing but rip the Donks since he retired. He's ruins CBS' pre-game show every time he opens his Mr. Ed mouth.

Please Shannon, quit talking about the Broncos. I don't want to hear it from you, any credibility you may have had was gone the second you put on a pimp suit and sat down between to Marino and Boomer.