Saturday, May 31, 2008

Mustard on my Moons Over My Hammy

Chad Mustard tore his hamstring on the last day of "Quarterback" camp. He'll be out 8-10 weeks, putting his training camp status in jeopardy. This is a tough break. He's a pretty versatile guy. He's a road grader, he plays special teams, he can line up as a fullback and he's actually got pretty decent hands for a road grader. He had an excellent game against Minny in week 17.

Also banged up during camp was: Scheffler, Dre Bly, Keary Colbert, Mike Bell, and rookie Spencer Larsen. Minus Scheffler, they're all hamstring pulls. Seriously. You guys are stretching and drinking water, right? Just checking.

Overall, nothing too serious. Hopefully these guys are fully hydrated by late July

The break we needed, but is it enough?

The Rocky Mountain News got their hands on a letter purported to be from Willie D. Clark, a Tre Tre crip long believed to be the trigger man that shot up Darrent Williams' limo on New Years Day 2007.

Clark apparently wrote the letter to a fellow inmate at the Federal Detention Center in Littleton and left it inside a book in the law library, a place that all inmates are allowed to access and a frequent place where inmates pass messages. The letter was intercepted by a different inmate who hung on to it until he was released. He then sent it to the News, talked to the cops and DA's office and then (probably most tellingly), contacted the Broncos about the $100K reward.

The letter describes, in typical gangbanger prose, how Clark was concerned about someone who saw him fire into the Hummer limo as it passed 11th Ave. on Speer:

"(The person) seen me with the gun and shoot out the whip"

Brilliant, right? Earlier this year, Clark wrote a letter to the News and to a Federal judge denying any involvement and denying being anywhere near the Tahoe they found poorly and hilariously spray painted in Montbello later that day.

That "I'm innocent" letter may eventually be the one that hangs him, because the News sent both letters to a handwriting expert in Texas who opines that they were written by the same person. A person dumb enough to sign his full name (plus middle initial!) to a letter admitting to a murder.

Now that the back story is out of the way (seriously, go elsewhere for the back story. I'm pretty terrible.), what the fuck does it all mean? Is it enough for a conviction? I hope so, but I have my doubts.

I work at a law factory, but I'm middle management, not a law talking guy. Therefore I speak out of my ass when I say that if this is your only piece of direct evidence, and a repeat felon with dollar signs in his eyes is the only witness willing to come forward, your case isn't very strong. Obviously I don't know what else they have, but it can't be much, since nothing's been done in 18 months.

Handwriting analysis is wildly subjective and frequently gets tossed as evidence. "Junk Science" is a popular phrase. Clark's law talking guys will hire their own expert to say the letter is a forgery or that it isn't a match and what are you left with? An ex-convict looking to get paid. An ex-convict that will need to beat tough odds just to live through this.

Even with the all of the problems, it's still a huge, huge break. Hopefully it's a nice piece in the evidence puzzle that leads to the conviction of Clark. Someone else has to step forward, though and I think eventually, someone will. When that happens, the DPD, Denver DA, the CBI, the FBI and whoever else handles this type of stuff needs to make protecting that person for the rest of their life a priority.

I hope this works out for 27's family and the community as a whole, but I think we need more.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

More horses

IN: Michael Pittman, RB

The Donks added a 10 year vet to their stable of backs. According to some people, Denver had expressed interest in the washed up Shaun Alexander (kill me), but went with the cheaper not-quite-as-washed-up Pittman.

Given Travis Henry's recent hamstring pull, the fact that he has yet to participate in the "Quarterback" camp, and the fact that he's had injury concerns nearly every season he's been in the NFL, signing a cheap insurance policy is probably a prudent decision.

Doesn't matter anyway, Selvin Young is going for 2K this year...and 35 TD's. He's also planning on riding 7 unicorns, finding Atlantis and discovering Piltdown man.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Selvin Young is confident

Selvin Young's goal for this season is an admirable one.

I like high expectations and all, and I like it when guys set goals a little out of their reach so they have something to strive for, but...seriously. 2000 yards is pure fantasy land shit for a guy that hasn't been able to stay on the field for an entire season (either pro or college). That's like me saying that my goal for this year is to nail the top 5 in Maxim's Hot 100. It simply will never happen. Shanny (and a majority of the NFL) is currently on a RB-by-committee or RB-platoon kick. Selvin won't get enough carries to get anywhere near 2K.

A more realistic goal would be winning the #1 tailback job. Or maybe getting 1000 yards. Or maybe, I don't know, not getting hurt.

I hope the kid is successful, and by successful I mean stay healthy and piling up 800-1000 yards. I like the confidence, but we should try and stay out of the realm of the nearly impossible.

Keep reaching for the stars, kid!

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Matt Prater apparently sucks like a Dyson

Sheesh. Listen to these dismal numbers from Prater's college career:

Before that, during his days as Brandon Marshall's teammate at Central Florida, he missed 12 out of 27 attempts from 30 to 39 yards. Strange as it seems, he was better from long distance, nailing 20 out of 30 attempts from 40 yards and beyond, including one from 53.

Yikes! Those are not confidence building numbers right there. He also missed 3 of 4 during his short stint with Atlanta before being summarily dismissed.

I've said before that NFL kickers should be automatic on everything inside 40 yds, with the odd hook, slice or block once or twice a season. They shouldn't miss roughly 45% of said kicks. His numbers from beyond 40 aren't exactly stellar either.

Kid's got a cannon leg, but if the accuracy isn't there, qui gives a shit how strong his leg is?

What does the man in charge have to say about this?:

"We don't plan on kicking field goals," he said. "We're going to score touchdowns. I hate kicking field goals anyhow. Maybe we got a little too secure with Jason around. If we score touchdowns, we won't have to worry about it."

Nice. Way to look at the big picture, coach.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Mike Shanahan is slowly morphing into my Dad

Nice hat, coach. Flatten that brim out and you've just about got it.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

It's someone's birthday!

That's right, kids. Happy Birthday to Ted Kaczynksi, Tommy John, Morrissey, Naomi Campbell, Julian Tavarez...and of course, our own Dre Bly.

Yep, those are the only important birthdays today. No one else of any import was born on May 22. Nope, no one at all.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Woody Paige, spitting truths

I know I pick on Woody a lot around here, but I can't resist this one.

In today's nonsensical, goofball column our old pun-addled friend sums up his entire career in one sentence fragment:

Of course, I'm a blithering buffoon

Yes, yes you are. At least you're aware of it.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Just for the taste of it

Here's Easy Ed McCaffrey destroying and then humiliating Brian Williams on a downfield block in SBXXXII.

Former wideout, uniform number 84 enjoys pies

Cue the muted trumpet.

Turns out our old friend former wideout showed up to Oakland's first OTA out of shape.

Here's the money shot from the Contra Costa Times:

– As for the rest of the receiving crew, Drew Carter outperformed the more expensive Javon Walker, who Kiffin said needs to improve his conditioning.

I'm not really one to talk, I have the ass and thighs of a 52 year old mother of eight, but you better believe I'm posting crap like this about this clown every time I see it. I'm an asshole like that.

HT: Fanhouse

Practice, practice, practice

Wow, something tangible and relevant is actually happening in Broncoland.

That's right kids. It's time for the first OTA of the offseason. The Donks are styling it as a "quarterback camp," but since everyone is participating, that moniker seems ridiculous.

Anyway, this is it. This is the first time this year that the boys will be strapping on their helmets and shoulder pads and stuffing their enormous genitalia into jock-straps.

Here are the keys to this months OTA:

1) Please, for the love of jebus crisco, nobody get seriously hurt. OK? For me? Getting hurt in an OTA puts you behind the curve in training camp, which puts you behind the curve in pre-season games, which puts you behind the curve during the first month of the season, etc., etc. Just ask Tony Scheffler. Breaking a foot in the first OTA of last season essentially ruined his sophomore campaign. He was supposed to be one of Cut's top targets last year, but turned out to be basically an afterthought.

2) There is no two.

You want to get your guys on the field, see how they look, see how they're recovering from injuries, make sure they didn't pack on an extra 100 lbs over the winter, make sure your coaches still know how to blow a whistle, etc.

You can't win the Super Bowl in May, but you can certainly lose it.

Please, please, one get hurt.

UPDATE: Someone got hurt.

Friday, May 16, 2008

This is what I'm reduced to - Part II

Still no Bronco news. Unless you want to count nearly identical articles from the Post and News about the new front office structure as news. Seriously, they even essentially have the same cliched, punny, Woody Paige-esque headline. I don't know if Raizer is stealing from this Dempsy guy or vice versa, but I have a hard time believing this is a coincedence.

And besides, everyone knows this team's real front office structure. Here it is:

1. Pat Bowlen

1a. Mike Shanahan

2-70. People that will eventually be fired

Since there's nothing else, here's a goofball kid wearing a Broncos helmet about five sizes too big, and who may or may not be mentally disabled w/ his thoughts on the linebacking corps and the draft.

Seriously, I love this kid.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

This is what I'm reduced to

There's nothing happening in Broncotown. No arrests for gun possession or megalomaniacal head coaches firing parking lot attendants or starting QB's announcing they have lyme disease or anything like that. As a result I'm forced to post a wildly un-funny video from a fifth-rate comedian mocking John Elway. Expect more shit like this as the months of May and June unfold.

Sorry kids. There's some great toy commercials coming up, I swear.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Bullet dodged

Marcus Thomas will not be charged in connection w/ ridin' dirty in Florida back in March.

As originally reported, Thomas' buddy Bryce Carter will be taking the fall for the coke. I'm not saying it was Thomas' blow or anything. I'm just saying.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Poor decisions - UPDATE

The boys over at Bronco Talk have lost their minds.

They've asked me to sully their blog and reputations and fire off an occasional post for them. A move sure to drive their page-load count into the toilet.

So if you're not getting enough of my poorly thought out ideas and douchebag leanings here, head on over to Bronco Talk for even more assholery! First post is coming soon.

UPDATE: The post is up and some clown has already destroyed me in the comments. Good times.


John-boy has further stereotyped Denver as an overgrown cow-town. How? He sunk a bunch of cash or "invested" to you Wall St. types in PBR. No, not Pabst Blue Ribbon (that's actually an "investment" I can get behind). PBR in this case stands for Professional Bull Riders, Inc. A frickin' rodeo.

That's exactly what this town needed, it's most famous and well loved professional athlete investing in some stupid, redneck, mouth-full-of-chaw nonsense.

Whatever. His partner in this "investment" is Wayne Gretzky. Anyone remember the last time numbers 99 and 7 teamed up in the business world?

Yeah. Expect PBR to lose millions.

Friday, May 2, 2008

So what?

Jay Cutler was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

You know who else had type 1 diabetes? This fuckin' guy right here.

Our boy is going to be just fine.