Sunday, November 30, 2008

The schizophrenia continues

Anyone see that coming?

If the trend holds up, look for 2-10 KC to win by 40 next Sunday.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Merry Thanksgiving, everyone!

I'm thankful that the Donks aren't playing today.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Nice going, losers

Way to show a ton of heart out there, you fucking pussies. Inspirational. Here's the GBU from yesterdays on-field abortion. I don't even know the final score because I was out of there after Cut threw that pick at the start of the fourth. I know they got at least 31 on us.

Brandon Stokley. Guy's a goddamn first down machine. He ALWAYS comes up with the twelve yard catch on thrid and ten or the seven yard catch on third and six. ALWAYS.

Everyone else, including but not limited to:

Matt Prater - After a killer start, has proven to be pretty fucking below average. Missing kicks inside the forty is unacceptable, and this fucker does it all the time. Zero touchbacks in the last two games.

Jay Cutler - One week he looks like Elway the next like Brian Griese. Poor decisions, poor throws. He is this fucking team and when he sucks everyone else sucks.

Brandon Marshall - leading the league in dropped passes.

Peyton Hillis - You cannot fumble inside the five fucking yard line.

Eddie Royal - Key drop on a Cutler deep throw.

Dre Bly - someone has to take the heat for letting their receivers run all over the field on us. You're the guy.

Jeremy Bates - Terrible game plan. Running the ball out of the shotgun is kind of like a trick play. It should be somewhat of a surprise. When I'm sitting at the top of the stadium and I know we're running out of that formation, believe me, everyone else knows too.

Getting humiliated by Ashley fucking Lelie.


Sunday, November 23, 2008

I don't know about this one

Classic trap game. Almost the exact same scenario as the week 4 game against KC. They're huge favorites against a terrible divisional foe with a worse than terrible offense. This is a game Denver should win easily. Will they? I doubt it.

I'll be back at New Mile High for this one. I'm on a personal two game losing streak there. Might slide to three.

Regardless of the records, division games are always tough. Always. Take the Raiders and the 9.5 the Donks are are somehow giving.

Friday, November 21, 2008

The key cog in the championship wheel

That's right Barry, pick up the Mustard.

Nate Jackson (the poor man's Chad Mustard) tore a hamstring in practice earlier this week and was put on IR, clearing the way for team MVP Chad Mustard. You might as well pack it in now, Tennessee, Pitt and the Jet Favres. You have no shot anymore. The Mustard man is back in town. Road grading and 4-yard completion-ing his way to a Donks championship.

I pray for anyone who stands in Chad Mustard's way.

Jamie Winborn's day off

My main man Phony Gwynn over at And Here Come the Pretzels got the inside scoop on what Donks LB and jaw-jackin', celebration enthusiast Jamie Winborn does on his day off. Here's a little nugget:

11:36 am: Prepares late breakfast of egg white omelet, toast, orange juice and milk, and fresh fruit. Calls Denver Post, asks if they can send a photographer over to take a picture of his creation for the Food section

I encourage everyone to check it out.

Also, since it's Raiders week, here's a blast from the past: my top 6 most hated Raiders of all time. Obviously, this was written before a certain former wideout, uniform number 84 was hilariously signed by the evil empire. He's the new No. 1.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Return of the Mailbag

Once again, I've been asked by no one at all to take over the Denver Post's Broncos Mailbag this week while Klis dries out in a methadone clinic. Let's get right to it. Geoff, you're up.

Herc - Wow. Have you ever seen a quarterback thread the needle as often as Jay Cutler does? That TD pass to Daniel Graham was unbelievable -- defenders were everywhere. I think his nickname should be "The Tailor."
-- Geoff Ankeney, Olympia, Wash.

The Tailor? Jesus, that's terrible. The guy has the word "cut" in his name and the best you can come up with is The Tailor? Why not just call him The Seamstress and get it over with?

Hey, Herc. Who would have thought at the beginning of the season that Peyton Hillis and Spencer Larsen would be leading the Broncos to wins. Accident or trend? Thanks.
-- Pat, Pueblo

Of course it's an accident, dipshit. You're aware that four Broncos RB's are on IR right now, yes? And that every starting LB is injured as well? OK. Just making sure you weren't in a coma for the first nine weeks of the season. These guys were forced into duty. You think they'd be starting where they are if everyone else wasn't already hurt? Of course not.

What happened to Niko Koutouvides? Didn't the Broncos pick him up this offseason as a free agent to play middle LB? Why is Larsen playing both ways if we gave Niko so much money?
-- Jeff, Reno, Nev.

Sheesh....we didn't exactly break the bank for the guy. $2.6M is peanuts in today's NFL. It's not like we forked over $11M guaranteed for 7 seven games and 15 receptions. But, yeah. Niko clearly sucks. Major disappointment.

On TV, they said the game was a sellout, but I saw a lot of empty seats at the Georgia Dome. How was the crowd, and do the Falcons not sell out games despite turning things around so fast?
-- Chris Y., Colorado Springs

Atlanta has some of the worst fans in the country...for any sport. They're front-running bandwagoners. They can't even sell out playoff baseball games. Empty seats are not surprising there and announcing sellouts when 1/3 of the stadium is clearly empty is pretty disingenuous. It looked like the club level seats in the third quarter at New Mile High.

Hi, Herc. With the retirement of John Lynch, do you think the Broncos could make him a defense coach? He always seemed to be around the coaches during games, and we would need his passion on that side of the ball. Any chance?
-- Eric, Montreal

Oh for fuck's sake! What is everyone's goddamn fascination with this guy? Can someone explain this? John Lynch should run for governor! The bishops of Rome should seriously consider John Lynch for the new Pope! It's ridiculous.

Why no faith in P.J. Pope at RB? Last year he was in the running for the top RB spot at Green Bay until an injury led to his release. He was ahead of both Brandon Jackson and Ryan Grant. Give the kid a shot!
-- Todd, Cincinnati

Agreed. But he's too small and he got dinged up on Sunday. He got a few carries and he got hurt. Doesn't bode well for his future, especially with Tatum looking as good as he did.

We have an ongoing debate here over the NFL's greatest cornerback -- Champ Bailey or Deion Sanders? Are there any thoughts out there among sports writers or NFL coaches on this?
-- Mike Lee, Santa Fe

With all appropriate love for Champ Bailey, this one isn't really close. Deion was on another plane. He shut down an entire half of the field for the better part of a decade. One of the best kick returners ever, too. Champ tackles better, but Deion was far superior.

Many have been rough on Karl Paymah, including me. However, the more I watch him play, the more I think he would make a fine free safety. He tackles well, reads well and keeps the play in front of him, just like a good safety. I know they tried this with Domonique Foxworth, but I think they should give Paymah a shot at safety once our other CBs get healthy. What do you think?
-- Dwayne, Inola, Okla.

Paymah's been beyond terrible this year. I don't see how a move to safety would hurt him. Speaking of Foxworth, wasn't it awesome how he was repeatedly abused by Cutler on Sunday? Yes. It was.

That's it for this installment. Tune in sometime for...something. Maybe

Monday, November 17, 2008

Spencer Larsen is from the fifties

Big time win. Here's the GBU from the 24-20 victory in a rematch of SB XXXIII.


Spencer Larsen. Started at FB and MLB yesterday. First guy since '03 to start both ways in an NFL game (and first non-lineman to do it in god knows how long). He wasn't great on either side of the ball (much better at LB), but anytime a guy does Clint Eastwood tough-guy shit like that he's going to get some props from me.

Jay Cutler. He threw a mistake free game. I saw one throw that shouldn't have been made (the force to the guy in the flat a couple of plays before the winning TD). That's it. JC saves...again.

Tatum Bell. Didn't get a lot of carries and he did fail to convert on 3rd and 1 early in the game, but he personally put the game away on the last drive. Speaking of which, why the fuck were we running plays after taking over on downs w/ 52 seconds left on the clock? They had 2 TO's left. If Denver takes three knees and punts, Atl gets the ball back w/ less than 10 seconds left. I'd personally rather see that scenario than see Fumble Drill get three consecutive carries w/ the game on the line. But he got it done, though.

The D-Line. Excellent against the run. Held Michael Turner to less than 4 yards a carry. And he needed two long runs to get to that. They got good penetration and forced Turner wide, where our speedy linebackers cleaned it up with some of the best tackling they've made all year. Still struggling to generate a pass rush, though.

Eddie Royal. Huge kickoffs. Key receptions. This kid is really, really good.

Wesley Woodyard. Why hasn't he been starting all along? He's not great in pass coverage, but nobody on this team (save Champ) tackles better than Wood.

Kevin Harlan. The best pre-snap play-by-play guy in the league. He actually gives you personnel packages (other than "Broncos in the nickel"). He gives you substitutions, offensive formations, etc. He's excellent. Not even the douche-tastic Rich Gannon brings him down.


I know some of you like Jamie Winborn's enthusiasm and his attempts to fire up his teammates, but I can't stand the fucker. To wit: Under 2 min left, Falcons are down 4 and driving, 2nd down. Ryan throws a mind-numbingly bad pass right to Winborn. It hits him in stride and right in the hands. He drops it. Of course the Falcons pick up the first down on the next play. Now it's first and ten. Winborn streaks through and drops Turner behind the line. Nice play. Normally (I guess) worthy of hooting and hollering and jumping around like a jackass, but he dropped the game clinching pick two fucking plays earlier! What the fuck, man? You should be thanking your lucky fucking stars that Tyson Clabo picked up that late holding call. If Atl comes back and wins that game, it's 100% Winborn's fault. I can't stand the guy. He jaw-jacks on every single play. Every single one. Whether he's involved or not. Irritating.

The secondary is still a joke. Our inability to get off the field on third down is really frustrating. 3rd and 1, 3rd and 15, it doesn't matter. They're picking up the first.

Elvis Dumerville. Only in on obvious passing plays. Probably a smart decision, considering he's the worst D-Lineman against the rush in the NFL.

Niko Koutouvides. What a waste of a signing that guy was. A rookie FB took his job. The same job he was supposed to beat out Nate Webster's helmet for. Terrible.


Matt Prater's ink. I hope he wears sleeves the rest of the way. That shit reminds me of Sauerdoughbrun.

San Diego lost to Pitt yesterday, giving us a 2 game lead in the division. Is this ugly? No, but I've got nothing else for this secton. The weather was pretty ugly, though.

They're slowly turning it around on D. Hopefully they only get better.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


That's about as good you're going to get from these guys right now. They basically shut Atlanta's running game down. The secondary was pretty iffy again, but they made plays when they absolutely had to.

Thumbs up to former Donk Tyson Clabo for taking that monsterous holding penalty on that last set of downs. Game killer.

6-4, baby. Normally I hate Shittsburgh, but this afternoon they're my favorite team.

Friday, November 14, 2008

What do I get for fifty five million dollars?

Anything you want.

Anything? long as "anything" means 15 catches, 196 yards, 1 TD and a season ending ankle injury

Nice signing, half-wits.

Let it snow

It snowed last night for the first time. Snow is always fun...until you slip on some ice and fall on your ass or your car winds up in a ditch.

Guess where it wont be snowing?

Let's see here. East coast road game? Check. Bullshit 11am start time? Check. Playing a team with a surprisingly powerful offense? Check. Shitty D? Double check. Jason Elam in a vendetta kind of mood? Check. I'd lay the 6.5 Atlanta is giving the Donks.

It's in your hands, Mr. Cutler. If you do not get this win, a billion people are going to die. Now, it's all up to you. I know that's a shitty deal, but you've got it.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Who's a fuckin' moron?

I am.

Here's what I like to hear:

"I'm humbled. I didn't think I was going to get another chance, to be honest. I thanked coach Shanahan for giving me this chance. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll play special teams. I'll play center. I'll do whatever it takes to help the Denver Broncos win."

The backfield just got 1000% better. Let's hope he's in shape.

RB situation is now completely settled

IN: Alex Haynes, RB

Formerly of the Panthers and Ravens. Never suited up for the latter and was waived before the season started. Has exactly three more career NFL rushing yards than I do. Clearly a dominating presence.

I hate to beat Tatum Bell into the fucking ground here, but as bad as fumble drill was, he's gotta be light years better than PJ Pope and Alex Haynes, right? Maybe he's cancer now that he's known around the league only for stealing shit. Whatever. You know he'd run with a chip on his shoulder (for either -2 or 50 yards).

Has Cecil signed with anyone?

Friday, November 7, 2008

That's how we have to win games

From here on out, that's how we win. Score a ton and hope the D can hang on. Here's the GBU from the 34-30 W over the Brownies.

Jay fucking Cutler. Holy hell was he good last night. He still pouts a little too much for my tastes, but whatever. Good zip on the ball, nice touch on the finesse passes, not telegraphing his throws, monster numbers, excellent with his legs. The pick wasn't his fault. Well done.

Eddie Royal. If Matt Ryan wasn't around he'd be the unanimous ROY.

Tony Scheffler. The groin was clearly bothering him, but he toughed it out. Came down w/ a couple of huge catches when we needed them.

Brandon Stokely. Way to put the kibosh on the idiotic Obama/black panther type of celebration that Marshall had planned after the game winning TD. The 15 yard penalty he was sure to get would have been costly.

Peyton Hillis. Hee-yuge two yard run on 4th and 1 in the fourth quarter. He's not the answer for our RB problems, but that was a big run.

Romeo Crennell. A minute or so to play, 3rd and 1 from near mid-field with a timeout and he calls back to back passing plays out of the shotgun. Even though our front four had been getting pushed around and stomped on all night by Cleveland's massive O-line, they didn't even have a back in the game. Hand it off on one of those downs and a picture of Meryl Streep would be at the top of this post. I don't get it Romeo, but thanks.


The D is awful, right? And the injuries? Oh man, the injuries. It looked like the third quarter of a preseason game out there. Zero starters at LB, only half of the starters in the secondary. People named Calvin Lowry and Jack Williams getting extended time? Let's just move on. The D is in complete shambles.

Also, since you guys suck so bad, can we stop with the jaw-jacking and dancing around like you won the Lotto after a routine tackle? Retarded. Winborn is the worst offender by far. If you drop a guy for a two yard loss, then you can hoot and holler all you want. When a guy picks up five yards on first down? That's an unsuccessful play. Stop fucking dancing and/or running your mouth.


The running game is also in shambles. Torain got hurt again and is probably done for the year w/ an ACL. Selvin Young was too hurt to be active yesterday, but he got pressed into service after Torain went down. He was only able to go a couple of carries before he was done for the night. The only healthy RB on the roster right now is PJ Pope. I wasn't kidding about Tatum Bell last week. We've got to do something.

Nothing has really changed. We've still got Achilles heels the size of Texas with that D and that lack of a running game, but for today all is good.

Because JC saves.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Critics silenced



Here we go again.

I don't know if I'm ready, to be perfectly honest. I'm not liking our chances tonight. Lets do the math:

Short week + road game + internal team griping + no running game + pouty QB + massive injuries to a shit D = 4 game losing streak.

Even though the Browns just benched their QB in favor of the dancing queen you see above, it probably won't matter. Look for a bunch of Quinn-Otto Graham and Quinn-Bernie Kosar comparisons in the Cleveland papers tomorrow. Just throw the eight yard out route all day long, kid. You'll rack up Chad Pennington type numbers.

That's the type of shit that happens to this team. Jamal Lewis will look like pre-federal prison Jamal Lewis. Braylon Edwards will suddenly develop Biletnikoff hands. Backups play like starters. Fuckin' soldiers play like actual fuckin' soldiers. Romeo Crenell turns into Vince Lombardi, etc. Everybody gets better when they play the Donks.

Do we have a chance? Sure. Any given Thursday and all that. Maybe Cut plays like he did in Week 1. Maybe this PJ Pope kid is Barry Sanders, Jr. Who the fuck knows?

I'd lay the 3 though.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Morons on morons

You're soft. You're a baby when things don't go your way.

No, you're soft. You're insecure and you have popcorn muscles.

No, you are.

No, you are.

No, you.

No, you.



Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Make sure you vote today, chuckleheads.

Even if you find both candidates highly distasteful (like the Colorado Senate race), vote anyway. Just write in John Elway like I always do.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Running on empty

Michael Pittman and Andre Hall (or 50% of the RB's on the active roster) were put on IR today, ending their seasons. That leaves a banged-up unknown in Ryan Torain, a banged-up and unreliable Selvin Young and two fullbacks (both rooks, one drafted as a LB) as Denver's ground game. Awesome.

If Tatum Bell still has an agent, he should be expecting a call this week.

Stick a fork in this fucking season, people. It's over

I waited two weeks for this? For this?

Christ. Way to come out of the bye week, fellas. Awesome preparation. You're clearly a highly disciplined squad. Here's a reality-bites GBU from a wasted opportunity on Sunday.

Our lone offensive threat, FB Peyton Hillis.

Where do you start with Jay Cutler? That's as bad of a game as I've ever seen from him. The whispers about whether or not Cut is really the "answer" will start now, if they haven't already. This is the 5th straight game where he's vacillated between average and completely incompetent. He looked like a high schooler out there yesterday. Mind-boggling throws, staring down his receivers, double clutching every other toss, pouting like a little baby. The majority of his 300+ passing yards was YAC from Hillis. He was flat-out terrible. Remember how good he was in Weeks 1-3? Me neither. BECAUSE IT WAS FIVE FUCKING WEEKS AGO!

14 rushing yards. That's the second lowest output in franchise history. Franchise history. Where's this Pain Train I've been hearing so much about? Dude was a pointless afterthought.

Brandon Marshall. 2 catches. Hard to fault him since he was doubled most of the game and when he wasn't Cutler was too locked in on Eddie Royal on the other side to notice. Eyeballing him like a bum staring at a sandwich.

Whoever the hell decided it would be a good idea for the corners to play 12 yards off the receivers at the snap. 8-10 yard out routes have fucking killing us all season. Am I the only one that sees this? No. Here's Marshall's thoughts on this nonsense.

"If I was a receiver going against our defense and they're stacking the box and we're playing a 1-high defense and eight in the box, and the DBs are 10 yards off of me, I'm going to catch 10, 12 balls a game. It's simple."

Simple. More on Brandon Marshall's mouth later this week.


DJ Williams and Marlon McCree get hurt on the same play. DJ is done for a minimum of three weeks, likely for the year. We lose our two best defensive players (on an incredibly shitty defense) in back to back weeks. Sweet.

I hate to bitch about officiating, but where the fuck was the pass interference on the Marshall TD catch? Two different officials threw flags on it, but sitting in the stadium, I didn't see it on the replay. Am I blind? They gave us the make-up PI call later in the game, but jesus, what a momentum killer.

Short week coming up. At Cleveland on Thursday night. I'm not sure I'm looking forward to another game so soon, though.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


We need this one. We have to put an end to this mini-slide and put some more breathing room between us and the whales vagina. It won't be easy, Miami isn't the joke game it looked like when the schedule came out. They've got a good D and it doesn't matter how inept their offense is, the Donks make High School JV squads (who coincidentally also run the "wildcat" offense) look like the 1940's Cleveland Browns.

As always, it comes down to whether or not the O can score a ton of points. And as always, it comes down to whether or not Cut has a big game. Every single RB on the active roster is listed as Questionable on the injury report, so expect to see the ball in the air today.

I'm down low again for this one. My personal 6 game winning streak was snapped two weeks ago. Let's start another one today, fellas.

Come on points!