Wednesday, December 31, 2008

BREAKING: Bowlen fires Miles

With Pat Bowlen tearfully stating that "it was time to move on," the Denver Broncos announced today the firing of long-time mascot Miles.

Speculation as to Miles' replacement include Nightmare Ant and the Phoenix Gorilla

As long as we're cleaning house...

Here's someone else who's been around too long.

Say what?

I'm fifteen minutes into this Shanny-Bowlen presser and it was apparently a "spur of the moment" decision based on the fact that "fourteen years is long enough," and/or "it's time to go in a different direction" and/or "it's time to move on."

He keeps saying shit like "Mike was doing a good job" and "Mike did a great job" and "Mike is a great coach" and that the decision "wasn't based on one game or one season."

It also apparently had nothing to do with Shanny refusing to fire Slowik either, saying "I've always let Mike pick his own staff, his own coaches. I think he's done a great job in that area. I don't think that I am qualified to start evaluating whether a defensive coordinator or a quarterback coach is the right guy. That's not my job"

He's also "never been a believer that there's a coach for life" (even though "coach for life" is a fucking direct Pat Bowlen quote)

What's the real reason, Pat? Let's hear it. Did he nail your wife? Did he run over your dog? Did he cough herpes on you?

The fuck is going on here?

Is this the right move?

The knee-jerk answer is no. Shanny has been the tanned leather face of this franchise for my entire adult life and nobody likes change. The Offense was at times downright scary last year and he probably should have been given another shot (or two) at a title run with a very young and very explosive team.

But looking a little deeper at this season, someone HAD to take the fall for the horrible D that got worse at the end of the year, the 14 point loss in KC, the 34 point drubbing in NE, the 21 point embarrassment against Oakland and the bed-shitting of epic proportions that took place down the stretch.

According to Legwold, Bowlen was more than willing to let him stick around providing he kicked Slowik's ass to the curb. Shanahan apparently refused, leading to his ouster.

Now why would Shanny do this? That little weasel Florio over at PFT speculates that Shanny engineered his own firing so he could wind up with the SD job (which isn't even open). PFT flat out makes up shit and calls it a rumor, but Shanny hasn't had any problems bagging D coordinators in the past, so maybe there are some legs to this. If it is the case and he winds up with the fucking Chargers, Shanny will be PNG around these parts like a certain former wideout is.

If the D had been simply bad this year instead of buttfuckingly awful, Shanny would still be the coach. Plain and simple. But it wasn't and he's not.

It's not the end of the world, though. Everyone gets fired. Even Tom Landry got fired. Remember the outcry when Dan Reeves got axed? That worked out pretty well for us eventually.

Maybe next year with all of the turnover in the coaching staff, we're not as competitive as we could be, but three straight .500 seasons and one playoff win in a decade is cause for firing, even for a HOF coach.

Still reeling

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


OUT: Mike Shanahan, Supreme Commander of the Denver Broncos

Anyone see this coming? No. You didn't.

Last offseason, I said that he should get gone if they didn't make the playoffs this year, but I think he should have gotten another shot with this O.


Sunday, December 28, 2008

Biggest collapse in NFL history now officially complete

Congratulations on this tremendous honor!

I guess there's a big game on tonight or something? Did I hear that right?

"I think Jay Cutler is arrogant and off-putting. He is a punk. I'm just not a huge fan of his...he and Tony Gonzalez are the biggest crybabies in the league."
Some no-name chump

Those are pretty strong words there, no name chump.

They seem to play better when everyone thinks they'll get slaughtered. Like tonight.

It's all up to you, Jay Cutler. I'm telling you if you do not get this win a billion people are gonna die; now it's all up to you, I know it's a shitty deal but you got it, can you handle it?

I think you can, Jay. Know why? Because...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Guess who's club level this weekend you unwashed degenerates?

That's right, fuck-o's. Herc Rock. Sitting club level like a fuckin' VIP. The CEO of the law factory offered me his tix to the Buffalo tilt this weekend (as an aside, I think they're going to now use this as justification for screwing me out of the big xmas bonus slated to be handed out next week), and while I already have a really nice ticket for the game, fuck that noise. "Really nice" aint got shit on the club level. I might be able to sell my ticket for 25% of face, what with kickoff temp expected to be hovering around zero, but who cares? Club Level, bitches.

Let's examine my personal record at the stadium in these types of games:

Sittin' Club Level: 1-0
Last game of the regular season: 4-1 ('99 - dropping us to a putrid 6-10 - only game I ever saw at Mile High)
Games where a win = playoff berth: 1-1 (fuck you, SF)
Season to date: 2-3

Mixed bag there.

A lot on the line for this game. Let's face it, if it somehow comes down to Denver-SD for the division in week 17, it's over. We'd get killed. Take care of business this weekend.

Better yet, I hope SD gets stomped by Tampa and everything has been decided before kickoff, because that's the way I am. We're likely not going to do much of anything in the playoffs, so who gives a shit if we "back in"? I read where some whack-job is actually pulling for SD so Denver has to sack-up to get the berth.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Marmalard reacts to Pro-Bowl snub



2 Donks earn right to wear ridiculous uniforms in Hawaii

Jay Cutler - 2008 Pro Bowl

Brandon Marshall - 2008 Pro Bowl.

So who got screwed? Ryan Clady. In fact, Clady deserves a spot over both Cut and Marshall.

You could maybe make an argument for Casey Weigman too, but that's about it.

Anyway, congrats on the Pro-Bowl and the only "meaningful" game you'll play in February!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Christ, it's cold.

Look, fuck the game. Seriously, fuck it. No one was outstanding. A whole bunch of guys played pretty shitty, including the entire D and units that were supposed to be strengths (O-Line). Terrible game plan from Shanny and Bates. Just a disaster all around.

Once again, as Jay Cutler went, so did the Denver Broncos. Cutler was terrible and the Donks were terrible.

The real story round here today is the fact that it's currently 13 degrees below zero outside. It got down to 19 below last night. The high temp today will be a balmy 18, but wind chills are expected to keep that below zero as well. Fuck me in the pants.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Thanks, Columbia Broadcasting System!

The geniuses at CBS flexed today's game back to the traditional 2pm (MTN) start. Traditional for Denver, that is. This has got to piss Carolina off, right? Like all east coast teams, they usually play in the early time slot. Maybe this move will take everyone from players to coaches to fans out of rhythm.

Maybe since he's got the later start, that leprechaun Steve Smith stays at the club a couple hours longer than normal, gets wasted and breaks his hand after sucker-punching a wall.

Maybe Jonathan Stewart wakes up at his regular time, only instead of going into his normal game day routine, cooks a giant breakfast and nearly chokes to death on his bacon and eggs.

Maybe John Fox will draw up some batshit crazy play that requires a running back to pitch the ball to a wideout on a reverse like that wingnut Mangini did a few weeks ago when he had an extra three hours to kill.

Maybe those rough-n-tumble Panthers fans will be too wasted to perform their fanly duties after having had three extra hours to tailgate and get into fistfights with Wilbur and Jim-Bob over which is the best NASCAR track, Talladega or Watkins Glen?

Maybe this is all a bunch of nonsense (it is). We all know the realities: Carolina is 10-3 and 7-0 at home. Even though they've played better of late, Denver's D is still borderline awful. We're giving up nearly 5 yards per carry and Carolina can pound the fucking ball down your throat. We have no one that can cover that little leprechaun I mentioned earlier (even if Champ goes today at like 85% or whatever) And seriously, let's stop sucking Dre Blight's dick just because he made a tackle he was supposed to make, yet nearly fucking blew anyway, at the goal line last week. Either Tatum Bellhop (registered trademark of the Phony Gwynn Corp.) or someone named Cory Boyd is going to get all of Denver's carries. Jay Cutler will have to have another huge game. It's going to be a tough win.

Here are two other numbers, though. 11-3 and 24-2 . The NFC South is 11-3 against the AFC West this year. Denver has all three wins. The NFC South is 24-2 at home this year. Denver has one of them.

Now, none of this shit matters one bit. It's just a little something to hold on to. Denver can win this game. All of the intangibles are in their favor. I like their chances...based on completely nothing.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Guess who's back?

IN: Jebediah Putzier, TE

Jeb! Jeb! Jeb!

Probably won't be much of a factor, since he's basically the same player as Scheffler, only not as good. Putz isn't going to take any time away from Dan Graham, and hopefully we're not going to be running a bunch of three tight-end sets like it's 1974. Not a lot of action left for Jeb.

I loved Putz when he was here before and I was convinced that Houston was getting a guy poised for a breakout. That breakout never came and Putz was eventually cut and then cut again last month by Seattle.

Also, the beyond terrible Calvin Lowery and some other chump were waived. Enjoy the CFL, fellas.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

RB situation now completely settled, part 6

IN: Cory Boyd, RB

Practice squad guy that neither I nor anyone else has ever heard of.

He went to South Carolina though and if you didn't think I would jump all over that in order to run a picture of a hat w/ "Cocks" on it, don't know me very well.

Did I have one of those hats in college? You bet your ass I did. Did that one wear out, forcing me to buy another one which I still have to this day? Yep.

So yeah...Cory Boyd.


I can't believe I'm just running across this now (it's been a rough couple of weeks), but Bank over at the HOG was on fire last week in anticipation of "The Tradition" (their annual pilgramages to KC and Denver for the Donks-Clownpants games)

My man took the time to document the rivalry from the early 80's until this year in the way only Bank can. Enjoy.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Eight is Enough

The Donks finally won a home game, finally beat a team they should have beaten and finally won a game that I was in the house for. Here's the GBU from the 24-17 nail-biter.


Jay Cutler. Dr. Jay Jeckyl-Cutler = Denver win. Mr. Jay Hyde-Cutler = Denver loss. Yesterday was Dr. J-C. He usually doesn't bounce back from early mistakes and that pick-six was a GIANT mistake. I honestly thougth it was over right there. He got it together though and was nearly flawless the rest of the way. Pinpoint control.

Peyton Hillis. That kid was starting to look like the real deal. Unfortunately, he also makes the ugly list.

O-Line. Cut had a ton of time on most of his throws and Hillis and Tatum had more giant holes to run through. Overall, the most improved unit on the squad from last year. These guys are really good.

Wesley Woodyard. Thanks for those six games as a Bronco, Boss. Now pack your shit and get the fuck out. Layin' Woodyard is a monster.


Matt Prater. You better start making some fucking kicks over 40 yards, son. Otherwise, you'll be back in that swamp, strummin' your banjo.

Pass Rush. I think we got one sack late in the game. I know that shit is more important later on and all, but Thigpen had zero pressure on him until that point.

Kick coverage units. They did not have a good game. For a second, I thought that was Dante Hall out there in those stupid red clown pants.

Peyton Hills to the IR. Tore a hammy on a beautiful catch. That leaves Tatum Bell and PJ Pope as the last standing RB's. Expect Shanny to sign another no-name RB off the street this week. Can I say it now? Selvin Young is fucking finished in this town. All of his talk about 2K yards and making the Pro Bowl was clearly his audition for the next season of Last Comic Standing. If you can't go more than a couple of games without getting hurt and missing six more, you're worthless to everyone.

Hillis hurts a little more than the others, because he really has been our best back so far this season.

Officiating. When Herm Edwards is actually fucking winning challenges left and right, you guys are clearly not doing your job well.

All in all, it wa a good win against a shit team. Now all we need is one more W and we've got a home playoff game. And we don't even need that! All it takes is for SD to shit the bed one more they've done all season and we're in.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Six Strong

Thirty three.


Never forget.

Monday, December 1, 2008

New Jack City

Hey, hey! How 'bout them Donks? Here's the GBU from the 34-17 pasting the local 11 laid on the Jet Favres.

Jay Cutler. The ultimate boom or bust QB. Yesterday he boomed all over everyone's faces to the tune of a 63% completion rate, 357 yards and 2 TD's. The pick in the endzone was the one mistake he made yesterday.

Peyton Hillis. He ran like a beast and ALWAYS had two hands on the ball at contact (it looks like that goal line fumble last week knocked some sense into him on that score). Look, this guy isn't the long term answer at RB, but he's filled in admirably since he was pressed into duty. He can thank the next guy on this list for his impressive game yesterday.

Casey Wiegmann. He got blown up once by the Jets all-world NT Kris Jenkins and that's it. He dominated Jenkem for the rest of the game and opened up holes big enough for a white RB with 4.7 speed to blast through untouched.

Whoever had the idea of faking an injury every time the Jets tried to run no-huddle. It was hilarious.

Kevin Harlan. Yep. Once again, Harlan is the best pre-snap play by play guy in the league. Love, love that guy. I hope he gets every Donk game the rest of the way. Hey CBS, take Jim Nantz and shove him up your ass. Harlan blows him away.


Brandon Marshall. Drops WAY too many passes to be considered one of the elite wideouts in the game.

Vernon Fox. Fumble recoveries are pure luck, so he gets no credit for that crazy ass return TD. He was so far out of position on that first Thomas Jones TD run it was comically funny. He was providing help over the top on the lone wideout on that play and didn't realize it was a running play to the other side until Jones was 15 yards downfield. Looks like we'll be starting our fifteenth different FS this weekend.

Eric Mangini. How fucking brainless was it to pass on 3rd and 1 and then again on 4th and 1 early in the 4th? Very. The game was essentially over after that. Also, why go for it on that 4th and goal late? You're down're going to need three at some point. You kick the FG and try the onside in that situation, right? Just a bungled game all around from Mangini.


The punting game. Hard to fault Kern for that since the wind was whipping like crazy, but I need something for this section and the gum smacking, IROC driving, big hair wearing Jersey skanks calling themselves Jets fans aren't enough.

So. Like I said, the schizophrenia continues. We pound up on teams that should beat us and we get our asses handed to us (at home) against dog-shit opponents. This might be the weirdest Donks team I've ever seen.

Unless SD wins out and we lose out, the division (and a home playoff game) is ours. Chew on that for a little while.