Monday, August 24, 2009

This Week in One Picture - Preseason Week 2

Reggie Rivers. I'm not prone to hyperbole, but Reggie Rivers is, bar-none, the absolute worst NFL analyst ever. EVER. No one's even close. Hate on Maguire, Kornheiser, Siragusa, et al. all you want, every single one of them is light years better than Reggie.

You'd need a team of mathematicians and theoretical physicists, all of them with their TI-81's blazing to calculate the number of factual mistakes and brain-damaged analytical misreads that Reggie makes in a game. It's staggering.

If I were to type up the list of Reggie's fuck-ups I made while I was watching the game on Sunday, the internet would explode, but here are a couple of examples:

1) He harped on for several plays how Coach Dipshit still hadn't let Brandstater throw a pass yet, when Tommy B's very first play was a little swing.

2) He ripped on how the Donks lined up in a running formation and then ran the ball on four straight series opening plays, then when the Donks lined up in the EXACT SAME FORMATION, said "Broncos may throw out of this."

3) He said Texas had the trademark on the phrase "The 12th Man."

4) Jaws, this guy aint. I'm pretty sure I can read and break down film better than Reggie. He verbally fellated Peyton Hillis for a stiffarm on former Donk LB D.D. Lewis, when Lewis had already been tripped up and was falling to the ground. "What a good job by Peyton!" Jesus.

Do me a favor Reggie and go back to PBS.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Hey, Brett Favre

I've got some advice for you.

Buy a new hat. Then kill yourself.

Monday, August 17, 2009

This Week in One Picture - Preseason Week 1

My investigation into the matter has revealed something I've suspected for a while.

Kyle Orton sucks elephant balls.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Not Guilty!

Harvey Steinberg wins another one. He's the attorney to the (local) stars!


The road to 5-11 begins tonight!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Pain Train derailed

OUT: Ryan Torain, RB

The next Earl Campbell was injured for most of last season and got hurt again during camp. The Donks finally said fuck this guy and handed him his walking papers. "Pain Train" my ass. More like "Always in Pain" Torain, amirite?

They signed some guy named Marcus Thomas to fill his camp spot. Not the guns n' blow, Marcus Thomas, this is a different one.

I hope both of the Thomas' make the final roster, because I want to see how they handle that shit on the back of the jersey.

In other news, Brandon Marshall is in a GA courtroom as we speak on trial for misdemeanor battery charges. Lindsay Jones from the Post is live-blogging it or something. Stay tuned!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Crybaby RB bailed on his markers

Lamont Jordan, forever known around these parts as the guy that bawled like an infant with a scraped knee on the sidelines of a Raiders loss in Denver back in aught-six, owes the Mirage $20K.

The suit filed in Clark County Court states that Jordan entered the casino on several occasions in June of 2008 where he took out several lines of credits ranging from $1000 to $6000. When those lines of credit were presented to the Bank of America in an attempt to collect payment, 3 were returned as "unable to locate account" and three more were returned as "not sufficient funds".

$1 - $6K? That's it? You call that gambling, Lamont? What kind of a baller are you anyway? Michael Jordan is laughing his ass off right now. "Six grand? Awww...that's cute"

Hell, even Art Schlichter is probably having a chuckle.

Friday, August 7, 2009

I hope they have to cut your foot off at some point

Former QB (above) went on a Shittycago radio station yesterday and took a poorly executed shot at Broncos fans:

"In Denver, we didn't have this many fans at all," he said. "We weren't even able to accommodate that many fans (at practice). That's Chicago Bears fans for you. They're proud of their Bears.

"It's a lot (different). Denver's like a 6 and Chicago's like a 9. It's a quite bit different. Just the fans and how passionate they are, that's probably the biggest difference"

Somehow the fact that the Bears facility at some shitass community college in nowhere Illinois holds five times as many fans as Dove Valley adds up to "That's Chicago Bears fans for you. They're proud of their Bears." and "Denver's like a 6."

What a fucking idiot. You know....this asshole still owns a house in this town. It wouldn't be a terrible thing if some lunatic out there reading this were to burn it down to the foundation.

August 30, you clown ass motherfucker. I might actually break my "no money on the Donks this year" pledge and go to this game just so I can hurl whiskey bottles at your head from the 500 level.

Seriously, fuckstain. Ask Joey Porter what happens in Denver.