Friday, May 29, 2009

Knowshown Moreno can dance

Jazz Hands!

UPDATE: I've been spelling the guy's name wrong since April. I'm an idiot.

Upper Deck (the baseball, and apparently football, card company) recently held their "NFL Rookie Premiere Photo Shoot," whatever the hell that is. Just read this while I tear my own eyes out:

Seven photo/film stations were decorated across the western half of the coliseum’s football field, each created to deliver the players in various poses and moods that could be used in upcoming Upper Deck football card products. After all, this event represents the first time trading card companies can photograph the recently drafted players in their new professional team uniforms. Station No. 6 would quickly become the most anticipated station of them all, as players were asked to perform their very own “Touchdown Dance” celebrations on video. A vivacious touchdown dance/cheerleader instructor named Mary Riley was recruited by Upper Deck to provide inspiration and enthusiasm to get the players involved. And if all else failed, Upper Deck offered up a Michael Jordan-signed red Chicago Bulls jersey that would go to the winner (suggested retail price: $1,699.99)!

Yes. Let's encourage a bunch of ROOKIES to act like buffoons and then celebrate and reward their jackassery.

But once all the dust (and grass) had settled, it was Denver Broncos gregarious new recruit Knowshown Moreno (RB, Georgia) who walked away as Upper Deck’s first-ever Touchdown Dance Champion. Utilizing bits and pieces of what could have been four separate videos, Moreno was awarded top honors, which included a beautiful, laser-engraved crystallized trophy along with the coveted MJ-signed jersey.

Hey, Upper Deck. Fuck you!

Also, why is my 1990 Ben McDonald card now worth less than a nickel? That thing used to book for $45. Assholes.

Oh yeah, there's awful, awful video:

Remember when people thought Gerald Willhite doing a single back flip was outrageous? I would kill for those days.

HT to Shutdown Corner


OUT: Clint Hurdle, Manager

It's about damn time. He was about as effective a manager as an actual hurdle.

An insane run to the WS in aught-seven (which Hurdle had next-to-nothing to do with) saved his shit last year, but someone finally wised-up to this clown.

This will always be Hurdle's best work.

So long, soulpatch.

The beginning of the end of the Brandon Marshall era

He wants a new contract. The Donks aren't going to give him one. Partly because they have no idea how his hip is going to be and partly because they don't know yet if he's going to be slapped with a suspension for his latest incident with his crazy-ass girlfriend (as an aside, Outside the Lines is doing an interview w/ the lunatic girlfriend this Sunday. I'll be all over that thing).

In a misguided attempt to force the Denver's hand, he's moved his hip rehab from Dove Valley to Orlando. He swears up and down that he's not going to hold out, but I don't buy that for a second. He's a completely self-obsessed diva wideout. A lengthy hold-out seems like it would be right up Marshall's fucking alley.

Yes, for as good as he is, Marshall is seriously under-paid. HOWEVAH he's not getting a new deal until he shows that he's healthy and the league announces that he's not getting whacked for 4 or 8 games this year. I don't see how moving his rehab to America's Wang helps him out on that score.

I think this is going to end ugly. As it was destined. As has happened with nearly every single "look at me!! I'm the greatest! I'm dancing!" wideout in the history of the NFL.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Hell of a run

OUT: JJ Arrington, RB

Turns out homeboy needs microfracture surgery on his right knee, and apparently his $3M guaranteed salary and bonus were contingent on him not needing microfracture surgery. So now he gets nothing...and he'll like it. Clears up an insane RB log-jam a little bit. Unfortunately, I think he was the most talended FA RB we signed. Oh well.

Should have been you, Lamont Jordan.

OTA's started up again yesterday. DJ Williams practiced for the first time since his offseason rotator cuff surgery. He'll be playing yet another position this fall in the new 3-4. Apparently called the "Jack." Sam, Will, Mike...get it? It's the ILB slot lined up opposite the TE. It's funny, because I play the Jack a couple of times a day myself.

That's right, the Jack. What did you think I meant, you sick bastard?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Denver Broncos Football Rules!

Stick around kids, there's some real good toy commercials coming up. I swear.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


The NFL Network and Comcast finally worked out their little hissy fit and agreed on a long term deal for the network to remain on Comcast.

No details have been announced, but I'm hoping Comcast won this one. The NFL was being completely insane with their demands.

Anyhoo...back in April it didn't look like they were going to work it out. The network even ran a crawl across the screen every few minutes announcing the impending removal of the network from Comcast and urging everyone (via an innocous sounding website the crawl directed you to) to switch to Direct TV.

Comcast, in an effort to avoid thousands of sports tier customers (myself included) from dumping that tier the second the NFL Network went off the air (I guess Fox Sports Atlantic, the NHL Network and the Speed Channel aren't very big draws?), they offered subscribers either 6 free on-demand movies or free Starz for 12 months.

So to make a terrible story short(er), I took the free Starz and now the NFL Network is staying on Comcast. Awesome. I love free shit!

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Congrats to the Nuggets for rolling past the Mavs into the Western Conference finals.

Dirk Nowitzki is a euro-bitch. Maybe the biggest euro-bitch of them all. Even more of a euro-bitch than the lake-show's Sasha Vaginavich.

If you had told me back in 2006 that the Rox would make it to the World Series and the Nuggets would make it to the conference finals before the Broncos even made it back to the fucking playoffs, I'd have laughed in your face. Silly me.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Razor Sharpe

In a Reagan-Mondale type landslide, Shannon made it in.

The greatest receiving TE of all time (Tony who? Kellen what?) was electeed to the Broncos "Ring of Fame." He'll join luminaries like Frank Tripucka and Jim Turner on the 5th level facade at New Mile High.

So what's next for Shannon? Getting screwed over by the HOF again this August.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Radio, radio

There's been a shake-up in the Broncos radio broadcasting team. Former Donk lineman David Diaz-Infante is out as the color guy. A "full-time radio talent" (Baba Booey!) will be named as Dave Logan's side-kick according to Clear Channel.

Kind of sucks for Diaz-Infante who was getting better every year, from what I actually heard. Which admittedly wasn't much.

If KOA and the TV networks would synch up their broadcasts like they used to, I'd be able to tell you if this a travesty or a just firing. But since the networks insist on their idiotic delay, I cant.

I miss hearing Logan do the P-B-P. Badly. a Denver touchdown.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Legacy irritated

The league announced the dates for the Donks "Legacy Games:"

The Broncos will play in legacy games Oct. 11th at home against New England, and then on the road Oct. 19th at San Diego.

Back-to-back weeks. What the hell?

Hey, fucktasters! We play KC and Oakland twice, too. You couldn't have slotted us into one of those games? We gotta go back-to-back and then never see these beauties again?


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Friday, May 1, 2009

More like Melvin

OUT: Selvin Young, RB

Way to never stay healthy.