Saturday, February 28, 2009

A good day morphs into a terribly shitty day

This grinning moron right here here tried, unsuccessfully, to trade Jay Cutler today. The supposed deal would have sent Cutler to Tampa, some undisclosed compensation from Tampa to NE and Matt Cassel here. Obviously it didn't happen, because Cassel was eventually shipped to KC (great) for a 2nd round pick.

So how does Cut feel about being dangled for a guy with half his talent? Well, if you believe Bill Williamson's source, pissed:

The relationship has been tarnished," the source said. "I think it's beyond repair."


"It's like a knife to Jay's heart," the source said. "It will be hard for him to get past this."

Awesome. What else?

In the aftermath of the trade Saturday, Cutler asked permission to find his own trade partner but was denied by the Broncos, according to the source. Cutler is still hopeful he will be traded because he feels betrayed by McDaniel, the source said.

The source said Denver is no longer interested in dealing Cutler, who made the Pro Bowl in 2008, his second full season as a starter. The source said Tampa Bay, Detroit and Chicago could be possible destinations if Cutler gets his way and is traded. The source pointed out that until Cutler heard about the trade talks Saturday, he was completely happy playing for McDaniels and being in Denver.

Granted, Bill Williamson's "source" may be that 3 week old gravy stain on his polo shirt, but Vic Lombardi's hearing the same thing.

Is it true? Who knows? Dangling the best young arm in the game and the future of the fucking franchise, especially when that guy is kind of a sensitive head-case already, is a terrible move.

If Cutler gets traded over this I'm going to be very, very, angry. Clock tower angry.

Friday, February 27, 2009


Pretty productive first day of the administrative NFL season for the Donks. They signed a half-dozen free agents, most of the Eagle or Patriot variety. Four of them are good signings, one of them is questionable and the last kind of idiotic. Let's see what we've got:

IN: Brian Dawkins, S. Dawk has been one of the best safeties in the league for the last dozen years. He's pretty old (35) and he's missed time the last couple of years, but this is a big-time signing. He'll make the secondary better just by being around.

IN: J.J. Arrington, RB. Former first round pick, lightning fast and just entering his prime. My choice to start the season as RB1.

IN: Correll Buckhalter, RB. Solid and unspectacular. Gives us great depth at the position and may bump Selvin Young down to 3rd string or out the door if the Pain Train develops well.

IN: Renoldo Hill, S. In one day, Denver signed the best safeties they've had since the halcyon days of Atwater-Smith.

IN: Jabar Gaffney, WR. Do we need wideouts? No, of course not. I know Stoke is getting old and everything, but he's not that old. Should one really go out and spend a bunch of money on a guy that will top out at 4th on the depth chart?

IN: Lonnie Paxton, C. He was the Patriots long-snapper and we gave him a 5 year, $5.3M deal, making him the second highest paid long-snapper in the league. What makes this signing idiotic is that we already have an excellent long-snapper on the roster and we pay him a fraction of what Paxton now makes. Plus, Leach has been the teams special teams MVP over the last three years. I know Sugar Smacks wants to bring in guys he's comfortable with, but this is such a pointless, homer signing. I don't get it at all.

Overall though, it was a pretty good day. We made trememdous upgrades in the secondary and at running back. Hopefully, we do as good with the D-Line and LB's as we did today.



Running backs to be more specific. Not satisfied with the Selvin Young-Ryan Torrain-Andre Hall-Michael Pittman-Tatum Bell-PJ Pope-some other guys nine-headed monster, Coach Sugar Smacks is planning on bringing in Correll Buckhalter and JJ Arrington as his first FA visits.

OK. Not a Buckhalter fan (Fuck Nebraska), but Arrington is intriguing. Buried behind a shit O-Line in Phoenix and then later buried behind Edge James and Hightower. I think he could be pretty good here.

Still though...RB's? That's your top FA priority? Half of the field is in total disarray and we're leading w/ backs and Jabar Gaffney? Not sure I get that one. Especially Gaffney.

I hope you kids know what you're doing.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Round 2

My Round 2 pick on behalf of Brian Xanders for the goofy mock-draft over at Next Season Sports is up.

I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Hey, asshole! You haven't updated this shit-ass blog in over a week and now you're giving content to the people of Seattle? Fuck Seattle."

Wow. You're kind of a dick aren't you?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

If you thought Jamie Winborn getting cut was good news....

OUT: Dre Bly, CB.

Unfortunately I came in this morning in to 35 emails (all in one night) and a half- dozen voicemails, so I can't chime in much more than this right now, but suffice it to say...this is a VERY good move. Cut that fucking dead weight.

5 starters gone from last year. It's like we're starting over from scratch on D. It's a good thing.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The hammer falls

The Donks is cutting some fools. Let's see who we got here.

OUT: Marquand Manual, S. Maybe the worst starting safety in team history. Just a complete fucking disaster. Here's hoping Marlon McRee joins him on the unemployment line soon.

OUT: Dewayne Robertson, DT. Pretty ineffective all year. That bust label is secure.

OUT: Nate Jackson, TE. When you look at everything rationally, Nate was kind of a waste of a roster spot. I liked him, but it's in the way I like Chad Mustard and Cliff Russell. They weren't very good. It's just that simple. Nate was kind of a team mascot.

OUT: Niko Koutouvides, LB. Terrible. The worst FA signing of last offseason. And that's a list that includes two clowns up above, another that I mentioned and Boss Bailey. That should tell you how bad this Niko guy was. What kind of fucking name is Niko anyway? Lousy commie.

OUT: John Engleberger, DE Say what you will about Engleberger, but no one was able to unseat this guy. Whatever...he still sucked pretty hard.

I saved the best for last. Are you ready for it? It's great news.

/Takes a triumphant shit while raising one gloved fist.

That's two guys that started 16 games last year and two other guys that started for much of the year. Depth might be a concern next year, but whatever. I like the cut of this new regime's jib. Get rid of the fucking dead weight. There's nothing on this list but nostalgia.

Remember me?

I wouldn't be surprised if you forgot.

Sorry for the lack of content. Getting fucking slamalamadingdonged at the law factory. It's quite absurd, actually. I'll try harder or stay up later and post more, I swear.

So what's new in Bronco-Town? Some people got pinked, you say? Let's get to it.

OUT: The Family Goodman - GM/Scouting/Personnel/Whatever the hell they did. I'm fine with this move. Someone from the front office had to go and it was either Jim and Jeff or Brian Xanders. Xanders was just hired last offseason, so you can't really pin the blame on the poor personnel over the last few years on him. Clean the fucking slate. Plus, anyone with a last name starting with an X has got to be cool

OUT: Josh Shaw, DT. Dude sucked and was suspended during the season for conduct detrimental to the team. Good riddance, I guess.

OUT: PJ Pope, RB. Didn't impress when he got his shot.

OUT: Alex Haynes, RB. Never heard of him. See ya.

OUT: Anthony Alridge, RB. This is a queer decision. Alridge was very impressive in camp last year as an undrafted rookie. He got hurt in the last preseason game and spent the entire season on IR. He should have gotten another shot. Alridge gets released, but Tatum Bell and Cory Boyd are still on the roster? I don't see it.

OUT: Cliff Russell, WR. Another tough one. I liked Cliffy a lot.

And the saddest news of all for last:

OUT: Chad Mustard, TE. Now that Shanny's gone, I think this is the end of the road in Denver for our friend Chad. Some elementary school out there will be getting the best pass-blocking substitute-teacher in the business.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Pro-(toilet) Bowlin'

It's over: The NFC takes it 30-21.

Marshall finished with 5 catches for 44 yards, that killer drop, and nothing much else to speak of.

Cutler finished 7-15 for 48 yards and a pick. He went a soul-crushing 0-4 on the last drive (including another drop by Marshall) w/ the AFC down 27-21. He was involved in the coolest highlight of the game, though. The AFC ran the oldest of the old-school plays at the goal line:

The Fumblerooski.

It was a modified fumblerooski. Cutler took the snap from the gun, took two steps to his right, jammed the ball between Ravens FB Laron McClain's legs and kept moving to the right. McClain stayed motionless for a second and then took off to his left and was able to fight his way into the end zone. Neat play. Otherwise, Cut was pretty mediocre.

Casey Wiegmann is your Broncos Pro-Bowl MVP. It's a tremendous honor.


Halftime of the waste of time big game:

Brandon Marshall has three catches for 35 yards and one drop in the endzone on 4th and goal. Of course he did. It wouldn't be Brandon Marshall if he didn't drop an easy pass. Way to represent.

Casey Weigmann has snapped the ball in an adequate fashion.

14-10, AFC.

The Pro-Bowl!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Peyton Manning, attempted murderer

Peyton Manning tried to murder Jay Cutler in Hawaii this week. Oh sure, everyone's saying it was a prank gone wrong, but fuck that noise. I know the truth, Peyton. You're a stone cold attempted killer.

Here's what went down:

The gang of Pro Bowl football players had been gathered around the tables, swapping stories, when suddenly the Broncos' quarterback had 300-pound Nick Mangold pushing from one side, 310-pound Kris Dielman holding the other and his cellphone swindled into the hands of a coy Peyton Manning.

Cutler's radar had gone up, but he never had a chance.

More like gay-dar. Am I right? High-five!


"We gave him a Pro Bowl baptism," said Dielman, the star offensive guard of the rival San Diego Chargers.

Great fun. Big laughs. There was just one problem. Cutler is a Type 1 diabetic, and in his pocket was his blood-sugar monitor.

Kris Dielman is a star? Dubious.

I thought we were smart enough to get the cellphone out of his pocket," Dielman said. "But then, 'Oops.' "

You're not smart enough to tie your own shoes there, chief.

"It was a bad audible on our part," Manning said. "I think we were thinking right, trying to get the cellphone. Then we realize, the guy gets insulin shots. We missed that."

Sure, Manning. You can feel the winds of change. You realize your days of ruling the league are over. Wind down your career like a man. Quit trying to kill off the competition.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Click those ads, ya cheap fucks.

Look at that shitty couch you're sitting on. How old is that relic? Stuffing hanging out, duct tape all over the armrest. It's pathetic.

Get a new one at American Furniture Warehouse! It's one click away. Jake Jabs has two adorable white tiger kittens you can play with, too. a new dining room set. Don't have a dining room? Buy one anyway and put it in storage. I don't ask for much.

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers *assholes*

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers *fuckheads* on their victory in Super Bowl XLIII. It took a come-from-behind *lucky* win to secure their sixth championship but they got it done. *barely*

Ben Roethlisberger *retarded mongoloid* was able to hit Santonio Holmes *giant penis* in the corner of the endzone with less than a minute to play to put the Steelers *half-wits* ahead for good.

Kurt Warner *thumper* fumbled the ball away *incomplete pass* on Arizona's last possession, giving the Steelers *unwashed degenerates* the victory.

So congrats to the Steelers *cocktasters* on their Super Bowl victory *theft*

There are other sites

The boys over at the Seattle-centric "Next Season Sports" asked me to pick for the Donks in one of those goofy, way-too-early, mock drafts. I was apparently not their first choice. From the email I got from one of the site's authors:

...thanks for participating. I was having trouble finding a Broncos blog after finding writers to represent every other team.

Here's to last resorts!

Anyway, if you care, here it is. Peep who the Detroit clown picked first overall. Sheesh. I think Millen runs that blog.