This Week in One Picture - Preseason Week 2

Reggie Rivers. I'm not prone to hyperbole, but Reggie Rivers is, bar-none, the absolute worst NFL analyst ever. EVER. No one's even close. Hate on Maguire, Kornheiser, Siragusa, et al. all you want, every single one of them is light years better than Reggie.

You'd need a team of mathematicians and theoretical physicists, all of them with their TI-81's blazing to calculate the number of factual mistakes and brain-damaged analytical misreads that Reggie makes in a game. It's staggering.

If I were to type up the list of Reggie's fuck-ups I made while I was watching the game on Sunday, the internet would explode, but here are a couple of examples:

1) He harped on for several plays how Coach Dipshit still hadn't let Brandstater throw a pass yet, when Tommy B's very first play was a little swing.

2) He ripped on how the Donks lined up in a running formation and then ran the ball on four straight series opening plays, then when the Donks lined up in the EXACT SAME FORMATION, said "Broncos may throw out of this."

3) He said Texas had the trademark on the phrase "The 12th Man."

4) Jaws, this guy aint. I'm pretty sure I can read and break down film better than Reggie. He verbally fellated Peyton Hillis for a stiffarm on former Donk LB D.D. Lewis, when Lewis had already been tripped up and was falling to the ground. "What a good job by Peyton!" Jesus.

Do me a favor Reggie and go back to PBS.

Not Guilty!

Harvey Steinberg wins another one. He's the attorney to the (local) stars!

Denver Broncos Football Rules!

Stick around kids, there's some real good toy commercials coming up. I swear.

Thanks, chum......ps

The NFL Network and Comcast finally worked out their little hissy fit and agreed on a long term deal for the network to remain on Comcast.

No details have been announced, but I'm hoping Comcast won this one. The NFL was being completely insane with their demands.

Anyhoo...back in April it didn't look like they were going to work it out. The network even ran a crawl across the screen every few minutes announcing the impending removal of the network from Comcast and urging everyone (via an innocous sounding website the crawl directed you to) to switch to Direct TV.

Comcast, in an effort to avoid thousands of sports tier customers (myself included) from dumping that tier the second the NFL Network went off the air (I guess Fox Sports Atlantic, the NHL Network and the Speed Channel aren't very big draws?), they offered subscribers either 6 free on-demand movies or free Starz for 12 months.

So to make a terrible story short(er), I took the free Starz and now the NFL Network is staying on Comcast. Awesome. I love free shit!

Denver Broncos Football Rules!

Aint shit goin on in Broncotown.

The most comprehensive draft preview you will find on this series of tubes

Denver will draft some dudes.

Some of them will suck. Some of them will not suck (hopefully).

They may trade up to take some guy. Or they may not.

They may trade down to stockpile picks. Or they may not.


There you have it. Denver's definitive draft plan. You can't get this kind of hard-hitting analysis anywhere else, people.

More jerkass

Fuck it

I'm sick and fucking tired of the Denver Broncos right now.

With the Cutler fiasco and Brandon Marshall's motherfucking thick-headed ass getting arrested again, I'm sick of it. I don't give a fuck about any of it right now. They've killed me.


Some DT's were signed (nobody huge), Lamont Jordan's washed-up ass agreed to terms and that JJ Arrington deal fell through.

Whooptie fuckin' doo.

/makes jerk off motion

Peyton Manning, attempted murderer

Peyton Manning tried to murder Jay Cutler in Hawaii this week. Oh sure, everyone's saying it was a prank gone wrong, but fuck that noise. I know the truth, Peyton. You're a stone cold attempted killer.

Here's what went down:

The gang of Pro Bowl football players had been gathered around the tables, swapping stories, when suddenly the Broncos' quarterback had 300-pound Nick Mangold pushing from one side, 310-pound Kris Dielman holding the other and his cellphone swindled into the hands of a coy Peyton Manning.

Cutler's radar had gone up, but he never had a chance.

More like gay-dar. Am I right? High-five!

Splash!

"We gave him a Pro Bowl baptism," said Dielman, the star offensive guard of the rival San Diego Chargers.

Great fun. Big laughs. There was just one problem. Cutler is a Type 1 diabetic, and in his pocket was his blood-sugar monitor.

Kris Dielman is a star? Dubious.

I thought we were smart enough to get the cellphone out of his pocket," Dielman said. "But then, 'Oops.' "

You're not smart enough to tie your own shoes there, chief.

"It was a bad audible on our part," Manning said. "I think we were thinking right, trying to get the cellphone. Then we realize, the guy gets insulin shots. We missed that."

Sure, Manning. You can feel the winds of change. You realize your days of ruling the league are over. Wind down your career like a man. Quit trying to kill off the competition.

Click those ads, ya cheap fucks.

Look at that shitty couch you're sitting on. How old is that relic? Stuffing hanging out, duct tape all over the armrest. It's pathetic.

Get a new one at American Furniture Warehouse! It's one click away. Jake Jabs has two adorable white tiger kittens you can play with, too. Shit...buy a new dining room set. Don't have a dining room? Buy one anyway and put it in storage. I don't ask for much.

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers *assholes*

Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers *fuckheads* on their victory in Super Bowl XLIII. It took a come-from-behind *lucky* win to secure their sixth championship but they got it done. *barely*

Ben Roethlisberger *retarded mongoloid* was able to hit Santonio Holmes *giant penis* in the corner of the endzone with less than a minute to play to put the Steelers *half-wits* ahead for good.

Kurt Warner *thumper* fumbled the ball away *incomplete pass* on Arizona's last possession, giving the Steelers *unwashed degenerates* the victory.

So congrats to the Steelers *cocktasters* on their Super Bowl victory *theft*

You know who I wish was never born?

Tyler Perry.

I have no idea who the fuck this guy is or where the fuck he came from, but I do not celebrate his entire catalog.

In fact I hate everything this asshole has ever been a part of. All of it. It's all awful. The movies, the TV shows, whatever shit-ass record label he's probably involved in. Garbage.


Get fucked, Tyler Perry.


Denver Broncos!

Broncos coaching search takes a turn for the surreal

The most recently named Broncos head coach candidate sure is a doozy. It's a completely insane idea that actually made me laugh out loud when I read it.

That's right. It's everyone's favorite face-spitting, steroid abusing, teammate sucker-punching former Donk LB. The one and only Bill Romanowski.


He said he sent Broncos owner Pat Bowlen a lengthy PowerPoint presentation touting his credentials and outlining the fresh ideas he would bring to the job that Mike Shanahan held for 14 seasons before his stunning dismissal last week

Visual aids!

"For Pat to do something like this, it would take him being a visionary, thinking outside the box," said Romanowski, whose coaching experience includes helping with his son's football team.

That's a stunning resume there.

In his more than 30-page presentation that he zipped off to Bowlen, Romanowski outlined how he’d run things if he were in charge. He would hire a new defensive staff and revamp the player personnel department, analyzing the college scouting system in a new way, he said.

30 pages? That seems like a lot of work to put into a complete fucking fantasy.


Romanowski would also hire a full-time nutritionist and recruit some of the world’s elite strength and conditioning coaches, he said.

Yeah, this is really the guy you want running your strength program.


"I truly believe that I'd be the best person in the country for the job. That's me being confident in my abilities,"

Whoa. That sounds like a pretty serious quote. I don't think he's joking around about this.


Fortunately, the Broncos aren't buying any of this roided-up freak's nonsense:

The Broncos had no comment on Romanowski’s interest in the coaching vacancy.

I guess that's more polite than laughing the reporter off the phone.

While the thought of Romo prowling the sidelines, spitting on people and sucker-punching assistant coaches is completely awesome, this will never happen. Romo's last stab at relevance made for some good early morning laughs though. So for that, I thank you, Billy-Bob.

Thanks, Columbia Broadcasting System!

The geniuses at CBS flexed today's game back to the traditional 2pm (MTN) start. Traditional for Denver, that is. This has got to piss Carolina off, right? Like all east coast teams, they usually play in the early time slot. Maybe this move will take everyone from players to coaches to fans out of rhythm.

Maybe since he's got the later start, that leprechaun Steve Smith stays at the club a couple hours longer than normal, gets wasted and breaks his hand after sucker-punching a wall.

Maybe Jonathan Stewart wakes up at his regular time, only instead of going into his normal game day routine, cooks a giant breakfast and nearly chokes to death on his bacon and eggs.

Maybe John Fox will draw up some batshit crazy play that requires a running back to pitch the ball to a wideout on a reverse like that wingnut Mangini did a few weeks ago when he had an extra three hours to kill.

Maybe those rough-n-tumble Panthers fans will be too wasted to perform their fanly duties after having had three extra hours to tailgate and get into fistfights with Wilbur and Jim-Bob over which is the best NASCAR track, Talladega or Watkins Glen?



Maybe this is all a bunch of nonsense (it is). We all know the realities: Carolina is 10-3 and 7-0 at home. Even though they've played better of late, Denver's D is still borderline awful. We're giving up nearly 5 yards per carry and Carolina can pound the fucking ball down your throat. We have no one that can cover that little leprechaun I mentioned earlier (even if Champ goes today at like 85% or whatever) And seriously, let's stop sucking Dre Blight's dick just because he made a tackle he was supposed to make, yet nearly fucking blew anyway, at the goal line last week. Either Tatum Bellhop (registered trademark of the Phony Gwynn Corp.) or someone named Cory Boyd is going to get all of Denver's carries. Jay Cutler will have to have another huge game. It's going to be a tough win.

Here are two other numbers, though. 11-3 and 24-2 . The NFC South is 11-3 against the AFC West this year. Denver has all three wins. The NFC South is 24-2 at home this year. Denver has one of them.

Now, none of this shit matters one bit. It's just a little something to hold on to. Denver can win this game. All of the intangibles are in their favor. I like their chances...based on completely nothing.

RB situation now completely settled, part 6

IN: Cory Boyd, RB



Practice squad guy that neither I nor anyone else has ever heard of.

He went to South Carolina though and if you didn't think I would jump all over that in order to run a picture of a hat w/ "Cocks" on it, well...you don't know me very well.

Did I have one of those hats in college? You bet your ass I did. Did that one wear out, forcing me to buy another one which I still have to this day? Yep.

So yeah...Cory Boyd.

Denver Broncos Football Rules!

Return of the Mailbag

Once again, I've been asked by no one at all to take over the Denver Post's Broncos Mailbag this week while Klis dries out in a methadone clinic. Let's get right to it. Geoff, you're up.

Herc - Wow. Have you ever seen a quarterback thread the needle as often as Jay Cutler does? That TD pass to Daniel Graham was unbelievable -- defenders were everywhere. I think his nickname should be "The Tailor."
-- Geoff Ankeney, Olympia, Wash.

The Tailor? Jesus, that's terrible. The guy has the word "cut" in his name and the best you can come up with is The Tailor? Why not just call him The Seamstress and get it over with?


Hey, Herc. Who would have thought at the beginning of the season that Peyton Hillis and Spencer Larsen would be leading the Broncos to wins. Accident or trend? Thanks.
-- Pat, Pueblo

Of course it's an accident, dipshit. You're aware that four Broncos RB's are on IR right now, yes? And that every starting LB is injured as well? OK. Just making sure you weren't in a coma for the first nine weeks of the season. These guys were forced into duty. You think they'd be starting where they are if everyone else wasn't already hurt? Of course not.

What happened to Niko Koutouvides? Didn't the Broncos pick him up this offseason as a free agent to play middle LB? Why is Larsen playing both ways if we gave Niko so much money?
-- Jeff, Reno, Nev.

Sheesh....we didn't exactly break the bank for the guy. $2.6M is peanuts in today's NFL. It's not like we forked over $11M guaranteed for 7 seven games and 15 receptions. But, yeah. Niko clearly sucks. Major disappointment.


On TV, they said the game was a sellout, but I saw a lot of empty seats at the Georgia Dome. How was the crowd, and do the Falcons not sell out games despite turning things around so fast?
-- Chris Y., Colorado Springs

Atlanta has some of the worst fans in the country...for any sport. They're front-running bandwagoners. They can't even sell out playoff baseball games. Empty seats are not surprising there and announcing sellouts when 1/3 of the stadium is clearly empty is pretty disingenuous. It looked like the club level seats in the third quarter at New Mile High.


Hi, Herc. With the retirement of John Lynch, do you think the Broncos could make him a defense coach? He always seemed to be around the coaches during games, and we would need his passion on that side of the ball. Any chance?
-- Eric, Montreal

Oh for fuck's sake! What is everyone's goddamn fascination with this guy? Can someone explain this? John Lynch should run for governor! The bishops of Rome should seriously consider John Lynch for the new Pope! It's ridiculous.


Why no faith in P.J. Pope at RB? Last year he was in the running for the top RB spot at Green Bay until an injury led to his release. He was ahead of both Brandon Jackson and Ryan Grant. Give the kid a shot!
-- Todd, Cincinnati

Agreed. But he's too small and he got dinged up on Sunday. He got a few carries and he got hurt. Doesn't bode well for his future, especially with Tatum looking as good as he did.


We have an ongoing debate here over the NFL's greatest cornerback -- Champ Bailey or Deion Sanders? Are there any thoughts out there among sports writers or NFL coaches on this?
-- Mike Lee, Santa Fe

With all appropriate love for Champ Bailey, this one isn't really close. Deion was on another plane. He shut down an entire half of the field for the better part of a decade. One of the best kick returners ever, too. Champ tackles better, but Deion was far superior.


Many have been rough on Karl Paymah, including me. However, the more I watch him play, the more I think he would make a fine free safety. He tackles well, reads well and keeps the play in front of him, just like a good safety. I know they tried this with Domonique Foxworth, but I think they should give Paymah a shot at safety once our other CBs get healthy. What do you think?
-- Dwayne, Inola, Okla.

Paymah's been beyond terrible this year. I don't see how a move to safety would hurt him. Speaking of Foxworth, wasn't it awesome how he was repeatedly abused by Cutler on Sunday? Yes. It was.


That's it for this installment. Tune in sometime for...something. Maybe

Let it snow

It snowed last night for the first time. Snow is always fun...until you slip on some ice and fall on your ass or your car winds up in a ditch.

Guess where it wont be snowing?



Let's see here. East coast road game? Check. Bullshit 11am start time? Check. Playing a team with a surprisingly powerful offense? Check. Shitty D? Double check. Jason Elam in a vendetta kind of mood? Check. I'd lay the 6.5 Atlanta is giving the Donks.

It's in your hands, Mr. Cutler. If you do not get this win, a billion people are going to die. Now, it's all up to you. I know that's a shitty deal, but you've got it.

Smokin' Nugs

You thought this was a Broncos blog didn't you? Didn't you?

Well, for the next 15 minutes, or however long it takes to write this post, it's a Denver Nuggets blog. Here's a few predictions as to how the Nugs '08-'09 campaign plays out.

Nene, playing 30 lbs over his ideal weight, will blow out the A, P and MCL on both of his knees within the first month of the season.

The Nugs will be the first team in NBA history to allow 200 pts. in a game, with teams averaging 125 against them over the course of the year.

Koby Karl, at the urging of his Daddy, will be signed to a series of 10-day contracts.

Kenyon Martin will go bat-shit insane and take a swing at Stephen Hunter during a game.

JR Smith will go bonkers for 35 pts. one night and then inexplicably shoot 2-40 over the next four games. He may or may not get shot in a drive-by.

Juwan Howard might average 1 min. per game. Might.

The Birdman will win the dunk contest, avenging his worthless '05 showing.

Adrian Dantley will get fucked over in the HOF voting.

Rocky will continue to be the best mascot in the NBA.

I will personally hunt down that stupid dancing usher (he's a paid dancer by the way) and slice his Achilles.

Carmelo Anthony will be traded at the deadline, at which point I will stop watching the NBA.

Call the National Guard!

You know why.