Just get in the car, Tannen. Today's your lucky day.

Crazy. That's back to back wins off the right foot of Jason Elam in games that we probably should have lost. That was one of the most bizarre endings to a game I've ever seen. Nice work by Cutler to again get the job done when it mattered most. If you're scoring at home, that's three straight games that Cut has driven us down the filed late in the 4th quarter to either tie or win the game. That's nutty shit, and impressive as hell, but eventually it's going to bite you square in the ass.

The Raiders are clearly an improved team. They flat copied our zone blocking scheme and as a result are a better rushing team. Way to catch up - about a decade late, but whatever. They still lack a decent passing game (the TD on the bomb to Porter notwithstanding - Bly got caught peeking into the backfield), but they can move the ball on the ground. They got a huge game from crybaby Lamont Jordan. I'm not sure if that's a testament to his skill or to the Donks' problems with stopping the run, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. l

Quick hits:
We're still dominating on offense, but again, we had problems getting it in the end-zone. Critical mistakes down low, a false start and holding penalties moving the ball back and out of Elam's range, crappy ass red-zone playcalling, a TD called back because Marshall pushed off, etc. We gotta clean that shit up or Indy will clean our clocks in two weeks.

For christ sake, please find someone, anyone, else to return kicks. Dominik Hixon is awful, stupid awful. His average is terrible, and that alone should get him replaced, but it's not his biggest problem. Dumbass fair-caught two punts INSIDE THE TEN. Inside the fucking ten. You're not supposed to even go near the damn ball when you're inside your own ten, but there's Hixon, waving his hand in the air and putting all of his brain power and coordination into making the catch. Anyone else, please. He's killing us.

Cutler made less mistakes, but his first pick was inexcusable because the back in the flat was wide open with nothing but daylight in front of him. The pick-six was tipped at the line, and not really his fault. The safety was solely on Chris Myers, who got destroyed Big Money. Otherwise, he was pretty damn good. The TD to Stokley was the second best throw of his young career. Speaking of Stoke, Shanny has finally found the third receiver this team has been looking for since Ricky Nattiel retired. This is the best group of receivers this team has ever had. If Rod can come back this year, he's going to have a hard time even getting playing time.

Now, on to the weirdness, Janikowski's winning then non-winning OT field goals. Shanahan waited until the last possible second to call the timeout, but the ball was snapped anyway and the kick was good. Luckily Shanny got the TO called just in time and the kick didn't count. Signal to Noise calls it douchebaggery on the part of Shanny, but I disagree. After I got home, I watched it again and you can clearly see the linesman coming in and waving his hands to stop the play a good second before the snap. The crowd was making an insane amount of noise, so it's no surprise that the whistle wasn't heard. Anyway, after the timeout, Shankikowski doinked the second kick off the upright, Cutler drove the Donks down and Elam nailed a chip shot to win it. It was one of the craziest endings I've ever seen in person (second only to the missed extra point at the end against Cincy last season).

All that said, a win is a win, and that's all that matters. 2-0 beats 0-2, right Oakland?


Around the League:
Kill yourself, Brett Favre.

The rest of the AFC West lost yesterday. Including everyone's darling, the Super Bowl "contending" Chargers, who got absolutely destroyed by the pissed off Patriots. I've been saying they're overrated since day one, and they didn't do anything to disuade me. Philip Rivers is Ryan Leaf 2.0. I'm sorry, but he is. Both overrated coming out of college, cant keep their emotions in check, pout and cry when shit doesn't go their way, etc. Christ, Rivers even looks like Leaf.

Thanks to Cincy for ruining every single suicide pool I was in. Nice defense, fuckers. 51 points? To Cleveland? Strangest score of the day.

We got a special dislikin' for these punk-olas

It's Raider week, baby. In honor of the arrival of perhaps the most pathetic franchise in the league, I'm putting together a quick list of my 6 most hated Raiders of all time. It's not as big of a game as it used to be, what with the Raiders being perhaps the most pathetic franchise in the league and all, but I still have a special, deep-down hate for these drunken, toothless fuckers. This one's for Lamont Jordan, who openly wept on the sidelines in Denver last year when the Donks put it away late. Bonus points to anyone who can find me a pic of it.

6. Todd Christensen - Never could stand this man-perm having windbag. Looked like the brunette version of The Real American Hero. Bonus points for being a shitty announcer later on in life. Didn't help that he was a pretty fuckin good TE.

5. Jim Plunkett - If you've ever heard this guy speak, he makes Michael Irvin sound lucid. I swear he's the only person to win a Super Bowl while suffering from Down's syndrome. Bonus points for hiding his hispanic heritage. Didn't help that he was a pretty fuckin' good QB once he got to Oakland.

4. Marcus Allen - Helped OJ murder Nicole and Ron. If you think otherwise, you're naive. Bonus points for signing with the Chiefs. Plus he was a pretty fuckin' good (HOF) RB.

3. Howie Long - The best D-Lineman I've ever seen play, period. Destroyed John and the Broncos on a consistent and thorough basis. Bonus points for sticking with the Johnny Unitas look nearly six decades after it was fashionable (Now there's a haircut you can set your watch to!).

2. Steve Wisniewski - One of the dirtiest players in the history of the NFL. Chop blocking, eye gouging, fishhooking, figure-four leglocks...you name it, Wisniewski did it. People call Denver dirty for their LEGAL cut blocking technique, but look no further than this asshole for the definition of a dirty O-lineman. No bonus points here. He wasn't particularly good either, just loathsome.

1. Bill Romanowski - How can you hate a guy that was a key component in Denver's back-to-back SB championships? Lets see... spits in a guys face on MNF (a black guy, no less), rearranges alcoholic Kerry Collins' jaw on a late hit in a preseason game, rearranges a teammates entire face after smashing him with his helmet during a training camp scuffle, admitted to juicing on 60 Minutes, countless late hit calls, etc., etc. I could go on forever with this piece of dogshit, but I have to stop somewhere. Bonus points for letting his wife get dragged into his illegal steroid prescription case...and for this. Just an all around piece of garbage.

To sum up, fuck Oakland.

As far as the game goes, this one should be a runaway if we can put the ball in the endzone (like the second ranked offense in the league should be able to do) and we can stop the new and "improved" Oakland offense (like the top ranked defense in the league should be able to do). We'll see what happens.

It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off

So the Patriots are in a little bit of trouble. They've been accused of putting a cameraman on the Jets sideline last Sunday whose sole responsibility was apparently to film the Jets defensive coaches as they signaled their plays on to the field.

The picture above, courtesy of 100% Injury Rate, may show the offending cameraman. Click on the picture for an enormous view of it. Who knows if this is the accused cameraman, he could be shooting cheerleaders, spectators, players on the opposite sideline or pretty much anything. It does look, however, like he's pointing it directly at the group of coaches. If this is the case, the Patriots are stupid, I mean brazenly, arrogantly stupid. It's not exactly a James Bond type of move is it? Seriously, how obvious is this?

I cant really give the Patriots too much shit for this, or stand here and yack about how the integrity of the game is being violated. I mean, the Broncos are notorious salary cap cheats. And lets get real, the specific violation here is something that likely every team in the league does. Hell, Shanny even admitted to doing it back in 2002:

"Our guy keeps a pair of binoculars on their signal-callers every game," says Broncos coach Mike Shanahan. "With any luck, we have their defensive signals figured out by halftime. Sometimes, by the end of the first quarter."

So how can you criticize the Pats at all? Easy, they were fucking stupid enough to put the cameraman on the Jets sideline and not even pretend to hide it. It's their "I'm Keith Hernandez" moment. Why put the guy on their sideline? They couldn't do this from the Pats sideline? They couldn't do it from the booth? It's really an unfathomably idiotic move, and they deserve whatever punishment they get. Not for the subterfuge, but for being moronic about it.

The Pats are going to get a giant fine - $1M seems about right - and they're going to lose a draft pick or maybe two (nothing higher than a 3rd, though). That's what they deserve, and that's all they deserve. Let's not get all crazy and talk about how the league needs to suspend Belichick and make the Pats forfeit last week's game or put asterisks by their Super Bowl wins. That's lunacy. It isn't going to happen and isn't warranted.

Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

Never has a posting title quote ever been more appropriate. The piss-poor performance by the special teams yesterday was completely erased by perfect execution on Elam's last second field goal. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Gus Johnson was screaming that Denver couldn't get it off in time, but fortunately he finished up his day by screaming "It's good!" Seriously Gus, relax a little bit - it's week 1, not the Sweet Sixteen. You're going to give yourself a aneurysm if you keep up that pace for 17 weeks.

Cutler made a mistake by throwing it over the middle in that situation with no timeouts, but we were able to run the entire offense off the field, run the kicking team on and snap the ball with two seconds left on the clock. Earlier in the game, Jason had pushed one from 50+, pulled a potential game winner with less than 4 min. on the clock from 43 and had a 48 yarder doink off the right upright and in. Luckily, the one that mattered was dead letter perfect, and I guess that's why he's still around even though his leg has gotten considerably weaker and his accuracy has been a little off over the last few years.

Special teams was a joke until the last play. Roscoe Parrish took Sauerdoughbrun's first punt of the year to the house, his net punt average was an embarrassing 11.7 yards (thanks to Parrish), his gross average wasn't much better at 41 and he didn't even sniff the goal line on kickoffs. I try not to hate players on my own team, but I fuckin' hate Sauerbrun. Hate him. Our own return game wasn't any better. Hixon looks like he's concentrating with every fiber of his being just on making the catch. I guarantee he'll will muff at least a couple of kicks this year if they let him keep the returning job. So the special teams sucked, flat-out sucked, they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked...until it really mattered.


For the most part, the D played pretty well. Excluding the third quarter drive where Marshawn Lynch picked up first downs on back to back third and longs....on the ground (and destroyed Jeff Shoate in the process on the one that went for 6). Buffalo was giving up on both of those plays, but we let him bust out. Otherwise Denver was solid on D, Lee Evans had 2 catches for 5 whole yards. Champ and Dre dominated, DJ looked vastly improved and the D line was able to get a little bit of pressure on Losman. Clearly Bates was showing us absolutely nothing in the preseason.


The O put up some yards, but didn't put up the points. I know I said they wouldn't win any games 13-3, but I may have to re-think that. Cut made some monumentally stupid mistakes, a couple of them drive killers. The brainless lateral to Selvin Young as he's being taken down(smart veteran-type of play by Young to knock it out of bounds rather than try and pick it up), the underhand flip as he's being taken down, the red-zone pick on a terrible under or overthrow (the throw was so bad you couldn't tell who the intended receiver was). He looked like a rookie, but again he put a nice drive together and got it done when it counted. The media is sucking his dick hard for this game, but they need to tone it down a bit.

Travis Henry had a nice game (139 yds), he ran tough and looked very quick. He did look like Tatum Bell on his first couple of carries, but he finally figured out to cut it back instead of stretching it too far wide. I'm concerned about his fragility - he went out limping on a couple of series. I don't think he's going to be able to carry the load for the full 16 this year. Selvin should get a few more carries in the upcoming weeks.

They got the win, and a win is a win.

Quick hits: Sucks to hear about Buffalo's Kevin Everett, who was taken by ambulance off the field after the opening kick of the second half. Guy might never walk again and that's a tough break. The Patriots and Colts look unbeatable, the Chargers got lucky and the Chiefs and Raiders are as bad as everyone thought. Finally, a hearty "fuck you" to Brett Favre as he ties John as the winningest QB in league history. Here's to a snapped femur in a week 2 loss.

Well, if there aint' going to be any rules, let's get the fight started. Someone count. 1,2,3 - go!

Yes. It's almost time. In 2 days the Donks will begin the 2007 campaign in scenic Buffalo, NY. Questions abound with this squad: Will Jay Cutler be the next John Elway or the next Brian Griese? Will Travis Henry be the next TD or will his brazillion sperm cell count (or an aching knee) slow him down? Can Henry stay healthy over the course of a season? Can Brandon Marshall elevate his game and earn his (idiotic) "Baby T.O." nickname? Can Rod come back and be anything resembling the player he was when he racked up every franchise receiving record in the book? Are Stokely and Scheffler going to be anywhere near 100%? Can the O-Line keep it together now that we're forced to start new guys at 3 of 5 positions? Why did we cut Kyle Johnson again?

Can the D-line get some, any, pressure on the QB? Is Simeon Rice's shoulder still a concern? Can we stop the run? Can DJ adjust to the MLB slot? Can Nate Webster keep his helmet on? Who is Nate Webster? Is Engleberger really starting for us? Are the rookies going the way of Trevor Pryce or are they going the way of Bryant McNeil? Did we blow it by not drafting a Safety in April? Was Dre' Bly worth the straight ca$h, Homey? Is this the year John Lynch over-pursues on a play and snaps his neck looking behind him for the ball-carrier?

You see, there are a lot of questions about this team, but it really comes down to that first one: Is Jay Cutler ready for prime-time? The rest of it is just filler and me worrying like a little girl and whatnot. The Broncos probably aren't going to stop anyone consistently for the next month or so, but who fuckin' cares. Defense is for pussies and Baltimore fans. What's going to be key is, can Cut put together enough drives to get us a minimum of 25 points per game? That's what we need out of him every week. He's going to make a lot of bonehead mistakes, lets just face that fact right now. He's still a basically a rookie, but he's got to be good enough to get us 25 a game. Points, points, points, young man. We're not going to win any 13-3 games this year. Cut is the key.

Is he as good as we (I) think he is? We'll see on Sunday

You're fuckin' right, you made a bad mistake.

Oh man. I'm still chuckling over this. The Raiders are apparently so inept, they ACCIDENTLY cut their monster of a third round pick Quentin Moses last weekend. Here's how it went down (It’s not verified – if you were Oakland would you verify this? However, it’s all over the web and therefore gospel):

Radio 680am just reported that Quentin Moses was let go in error. Apparently Don Johnson, an assistant coach on the defensive line had submitted a prioritized list of players he wanted to keep. Moses was inadvertently left off the list. He then sent a separate email to a guy named Jeff Birren who works in administration. Birren thought Moses was to be added to the release list, so he added the name and faxed it in to league offices in New York. The error was not discovered until after the move was official.

Awesome! Did Coach Lunch Money or Al Davis' corpse even look at the final list? Wouldn't that be something you'd want to take a quick peek at before you faxed it in? That's a first-rate organization they're running over there. They've got an assistant D-Line coach and a cubicle dweller that organizes the x-mas party and orders office supplies running the show. Who draws up the gameplan? Tony from accounting? Or is it Sherry in data processing? I hear Jimmy in logistics can draw up a crossing route that will really make you think. No wonder these clowns have lost at least 10 games for four straight seasons. Oh...and Jamarcus Russell, the number 1 pick in last years draft, you know the guy that every other team in the league would have had signed BEFORE the draft, is still holding out.

HT - BroncoTalk

Outstanding, Red Team, outstanding! Get you a case of beer for that one.

That's it. It's over. Preseason is history. In 5 days the real party begins.


Over the weekend the Donks sort-of finalized their roster. There were some surprising cuts, most notably starting FB and fan favorite Kyle Johnson, otherwise it was pretty routine (I'm not surprised by Jimmy Kennedy, he was a bust coming out in StL and he's still a bust). I liked Johnson though, I thought he was a pretty good blocker and a very good weapon catching passes out in the flat , but Shanny felt otherwise. Some folks are a little more upset than others. I don't like the idea of converting running backs to fullbacks, they're different animals. However, apparently Shanny loves Cecil The Diesel (who couldn't beat out Kyle for the FB job last year) and Mike Bell (who cant block, period -anyone remember lady-killer Leonard Little tossing him around like he was a rag doll?) as fullbacks. Whatever. Johnson isn't Lorenzo Neal or Tony Richardson, but he's in the top 10 in the league in my opinion. Mike Bell should be backing up Henry, Selvin's too green at this point. This could be a giant mistake, especially when you consider that Original Gangster Ben Hamilton is out at least another couple of weeks


I was wrong about a few of my cut predictions. Andre Hall is still around somehow, Kenny Peterson's dumb-ass was put on the reserve-suspended list instead of being cut like he should have been and Stephen Alexander is still rotting away on the roster. Out of all of them, Alexander pisses me off the most. Here's one of the best blocking TE's in the league, a former pro-bowler and a guy that's not that old (32), and he's relegated to maybe being in on third and short and goal line plays. He might not catch a pass all year. I feel bad for the guy, he should have been cut in June and given a chance to catch on somewhere else.

The huge news is the signing of former all-world DE Simeon Rice. The key word in that sentence is former. Who knows what this guy has left in his tank, there must be a reason why the sad-sack Bucs showed him the door. Hopefully he can still play, but I'm a little skeptical. He's a pure pass rusher and has always been suspect in the run game. I think we've got enough of those types already (or the vice-versa). Picking up past their prime players doesn't usually pan out for us, especially along the D-Line (Leon Lett, Darryl Gardner, etc.). We'll see. Shows you the lack of confidence Shanny has in Elvis though.

Dipshit D-Post columnist Woody Paige fired off his moronic opinions on what the Donks should do now that everyone's cuts have been announced and hoo-boy are they loony. Dhani Jones? Jeremy Bloom? Sheesh.

So Buffalo's next and this one counts. Buffalo and their sad offense and suspect defense. We've been just god-awful in our opening games against clearly inferior opponents the last two years, here's hoping that shit-streak comes to an end.