Selective Service (2009)

(sigh) Let's take a look:

1. Knowshown Moreno, RB - Georgia

Everyone says he's the best RB in the draft. Fine. I don't like the pick. Not with the problems we had on D, and not with only four defensive players off the board at that point. Bowlen always pushes for a running back, so this might be a "Hey, sorry I ran your franchise QB out of town. Let me make it up to you." pick. It's called overvaluing of the least stable position on the field. Best part of this pick: Moreno's girlfriend's ass-crack.

1. Robert Ayers, DE/LB - Tenn.

No problems with this pick whatsoever. Mike Mayock nearly ejaculated into his pants when he was talking about Ayers. Question is, is he an OLB or a DE in the new 3-4? Either way, Mayock will be watching.

2. Alphonso Smith, CB - Wake Forest

I've got nothing against the kid, but we gave up the 2010 first round pick we got in the former QB deal to grab this guy. That's a steep, steep price. Coach Pyle had him as the top CB in the draft, so from Pyle's perspective, it's a great move. From everyone else's though...it's a stretch. Oh, and he's 5'9."

2. Darcel McBath, S - Texas Tech

Again, I don't know this kid from Adam, but Kiper was absolutely killing the Broncos for this pick. Killing them. McBloodbath. I seem to recall us having a bunch of problems on the D-Line last year. Is that right?

2. Richard Quinn, TE - NC

This is the most indefensible pick in the draft. A fucking complete waste of this pick and our entire third round. We already have one of the best blocking TE's in the league. We already have Tony Scheffler (who may stick around for a little while - if Coach Pyle is to be believed), one of the best receiving TE's in the league. We also already have Jeb Putzier, who is the exact same player as Scheffler. I don't understand why you give up TWO third rounders to move up and take this guy (who you could have had in the fifth (if Kiper/McShay/Mayock are to be believed). No idea. None. It's mind-boggling.

4. David Bruton, S - Notre Dame

Another pick, another non-D Lineman. And approximately the 20th safety Pyle's brought in this offseason.

4 Seth Olsen, G - Iowa

Another pick, another non-... you get the picture.

5. Kenny McKinley, WR - South Carolina

A wideout? Seriously?

6. Tom Brandstater, QB - Fresno State

We've finally found the next John Elway!

7. Blake Schlueter, C - TCU

If you're counting at home, that's five second day picks and four offensive players taken.



I'm not happy with this draft. Shanahan was a terrible drafter, too, but at least the positions that he drafted made sense. He just didn't take the right player.

Ayers aside, he ignored the front seven, which was the weakest part of the fucking team last year. What happened this weekend made little sense to me. But what the fuck do I know?

Holy hell

To cap off the day yesterday, Coach Pyle shipped BOTH of our '09 third rounders (ours and Chicago's) to Shittsburgh for the last pick in the second (64th overall) which he then used to draft a TE.

A BLOCKING tight end projected to go in the fifth or sixth round.

Here's a sampling of what some of the "experts" are saying about Denver's day:

Denver rookie head coach Josh McDaniels doesn't have a grasp on how to build a team. He signed three running backs in free agency and drafted another (Knowshon Moreno). And then he sent Denver's first-round choice in 2010 to Seattle for this year's 37th overall choice, which he used to pick cornerback Alphonso Smith. That's bizarre. Mike Shanahan must be laughing at that one.

Clayton clearly handed this column in before Denver traded their entire third round to take a TE they could have gotten in the fifth. That's an equally, if not more, bizarre move.

Unbelievable. This is the kind of shit that happens when you let infants run your team.

Blunders abound

We just traded our first round pick next year for Seattle's second this year and picked a guy who was Kiper's third best avaiable CB. And is also 5'9" tall. With Rey Maulauga or whatever his fucking name is and Everette Brown still on the board. Nothing against this Alphonso Smith kid, but jesus.

Hell of a first day so far. Two more picks to fuck up.

Coach Pyle fucks it up again

A running back 12th overall. All of the holes we have on the defense and he picks a back. Idi-fucking-otic.

Fine, you want something real?

Here it is: By the end of the day tomorrow, Tony Scheffler will be somewhere else. He's wanted out since the thing with former QB blew up. Couple that with the fact that there's no room for him in Coach Pyle's offense and it's bye-bye Tony.

Speaking of bye-bye Tony, kudos to the Chiefs for trading one of the greatest TE's in NFL history out of the division and also for getting next to nothing for him. I can see the boy-idiot nodding his head in approval.

The most comprehensive draft preview you will find on this series of tubes

Denver will draft some dudes.

Some of them will suck. Some of them will not suck (hopefully).

They may trade up to take some guy. Or they may not.

They may trade down to stockpile picks. Or they may not.


There you have it. Denver's definitive draft plan. You can't get this kind of hard-hitting analysis anywhere else, people.

Please, please, please make this happen

John Madden as Raiders GM? Awesome. Yes, you should definitely hire a guy on the wrong side of 70 to run your NFL franchise. It's exactly the kind of crazy ass shit Al Davis just cant get enough of.



HISSSS!! Bring me zee fat man.

It's all over, fat man

Just like '77. Thank dog..

Woody Paige, everybody.

From Woody's annual, idiotic prediction column:


Predominantly orange marmalade sky?

After a close inspection of the Broncos' schedule, I think we all can agree on this:

Good luck, Josh MacDee.

Hoodie & The Bluefish will need it.

Onlookers who live in cellars and subsist on Cheetos believe the 2009 schedule of events could be the team's most difficult.

In truth, to find a schedule as stressful, you have to go way, way back to, uh, 2005.

That season the Broncos finished 13-3 and lost in the AFC championship.

So, Broncophiles, (sing along) have high hopes, Mile High hopes.

Only, things have changed since 2005.

Like almost everything.

All but five players are gone.

All but three of the draft choices from 2005 and before are gone.

All but four assistants — Rick Dennison, Bobby Turner, Keith Burns and Rich Tuten — are gone.

And the head coach.

What a difference three indifferent seasons make.

And a new head coach.

But the regular-season schedules are similar.


Does he get paid by the paragraph?

Seriously, this thing has the phrase "marmalade sky," a request that you sing along to "high hopes" and a goofball reference to a decade-old pop group.

Don't ever change, you silly bastard.

Murderer's Row

Schedule's out. It's not looking good for the Broncos. Let's take a look:

1 Sep 13 DEN @ CIN Paul Brown Stadium 1:00 PM
2 Sep 20 CLE @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM
3 Sep 27 DEN @ OAK Oakland Coliseum 4:15 PM
4 Oct 04 DAL @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM
5 Oct 11 NE @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM
6 Oct 19 DEN @ SD Qualcomm Stadium 8:30 PM
7 Bye
8 Nov 01 DEN @ BAL M&T Bank Stadium 1:00 PM
9 Nov 09 PIT @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 8:30 PM
10 Nov 15 DEN @ WAS FedEx Field 1:00 PM
11 Nov 22 SD @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM
12 Nov 26 NYG @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 8:20 PM
13 Dec 06 DEN @ KC Arrowhead Stadium 1:00 PM
14 Dec 13 DEN @ IND Lucas Oil Stadium 1:00 PM
15 Dec 20 OAK @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:05 PM
16 Dec 27 DEN @ PHI Lincoln Financial Field 1:00 PM
17 Jan 03 KC @ DEN Invesco Field at Mile High 4:15 PM

That's a quality cut and paste right there.

Six(!!!) 11am games. I can't believe that. That's almost an unreal number. Six.

Two Monday nighters and the Thanksgiving tilt with the Jints they announced earlier. Three prime-time games is down from years past. You've got former QB, uniform number six to thank for that.

The real problem though, is weeks 4-12. Denver could lose seven of those eight weeks. See if you can spot the week we don't lose.

They'll probably take at least a couple of those games, but that's a pretty tough stretch. Drawing the AFC North and NFC East in the rota doesn't make the rebuild go any smoother.

Best case, 9-7. Worst case, 4-12

R.I.P., Harry Kalas

The voice of NFL Films for my entire lifetime. I love the old clips of John Facenda, but for me and every NFL fan under the age of thirty five, Harry Kalas was the voice of god.

Hey, Ringolsby

I love your shit, man. Love. It.

But you gotta get rid of the ten-gallon hat.

RIP, total badass - UPDATE

Audie Murphy can kiss Russell Dunham's ass. UPDATE: Audie Murphy was also a total badass.


On the afternoon of Jan. 8, 1945, Sergeant Dunham was leading a platoon in the 30th Infantry, Third Infantry Division, when the soldiers, among them his brother Ralph, were pinned down by German fire. They were at the bottom of a hill near the village of Kaysersberg, the birthplace of the Nobel Peace Prize winner Dr. Albert Schweitzer.

German machine-gunners and riflemen fired down on the Americans while an artillery barrage landed behind them. “The only way to go was up,” Mr. Dunham told Reader’s Digest long afterward.

Wearing as camouflage a white robe made from a mattress cover, Sergeant Dunham ran up the hill ahead of his platoon and charged a machine-gun emplacement. He was shot in the back, and his camouflage became useless: his white clothing was soaked with blood.

Despite “excruciating pain” from his wound, as the Medal of Honor citation told it, Sergeant Dunham wiped out three machine-gun nests and attacked German riflemen in foxholes. Moments later, Ralph Dunham destroyed a fourth machine-gun position.

Firing 175 rounds of carbine fire and throwing 11 grenades, Russell Dunham killed nine Germans, wounded seven and captured two others.

Meanwhile, I've got the biggest bitch of a hangnail that you've ever seen. I might need a couple of weeks off...


HT to With Leather - link in blogroll.

Legacy over

Johnboy's boy, Jack (twister!) will never take snaps for the Denver Broncos.

This is terrible news. That kid could have been the next Elway!

Doesn't matter anyway, Coach Pyle preferred Jim Plunkett's retarded nephew.

Quick Hitter

Coach Pyle's great QB purge of '09 is finally complete.

The Donks released their full-size version of Gary Coleman yesterday, waving bye-bye to Darrell Hackney.

That leaves tattoo enthusiast Chris Simms and The Neckbeard as the only QB's on the roster.

The question is, will the Donks package some picks and move up to take alleged rapist Mark Sanchez? Or will they stick with Simms and Orton (I still can't believe I'm typing that) this year and hope that next year's QB crop isn't so shitty? Only the boy-idiot knows.

Since Al Davis decided to ruin Jamarcus Russell's confidence, there are no viable FA's left.

It'll be a rook, an albino weirdo or a drunken, bearded clown as our QB next year. Awesome strategy, chief.

Finally, some good news...for one moron at least

This keyboard-clutching freak show you see here is Dan Leone, a former game-day employee at the Lincoln Financial Field in Philly. He was fired earlier this offseason after posting his disappointment with the Brian Dawkins to Denver signing on his facebook page. To wit:

Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver. . .Dam Eagles R Retarted!!"

It's not exactly Keats, but it gets his point across I guess.

Anyway, the Donks are playing in Philly this year and Dawkins has decided to hand over the two tickets he gets per away game to Mr. Leone and his keyboard:

"I thought it'd be a good gesture,'' Dawkins said. "Had I not . . . signed with Denver, that guy would still have his job. Obviously, he made a decision and out of emotion said something. He was one of probably thousands and thousands of Eagles fans who felt that way. That didn't surprise me, that someone said that on their Facebook. It did surprise me that he was let go, though. That really did surprise me. I felt it would be a good thing, to reach out to that individual and just let him know how much I appreciate it.''

What a real sweetheart.

More jerkass

Welcome to the club, jerkass

Get fucked, ya tubby bitch.

This one's for Phony

Cutlerfucker

click to embiggen

Meet your new QB1, Denver

Great.

Come on, Jay.

Am I supposed to believe this?

"I was surprised they decided to trade me this soon," Cutler told FoxSports. "I didn't want to get traded. That wasn't me. They had been going back and forth saying things, wanting me to be their quarterback, and then they didn't. I really didn't want this. I love Denver. I really like my teammates. I didn't want it to get this far."

Yeah. He said that. Those appear to be direct quotes.

Hy-larious!

Welcome to 1999!

It's over. He's gone.

Well played, fuckheads. All of you - Cutler, Coach Pyle, Bowlen, Xanders, you've successfully set the Denver Broncos back an entire decade. Nice job.

You're going to lose several hundred dollars in revenue from one Hercules Rockefeller on tickets and concessions this year. I hope you can live with that.

Enjoy 5-11, assholes.