Finally, horse cock.

After years of searching (ok, I spent about 10 minutes looking about a year ago, when I brought it up), it took the DNC and some hipster douche from Comedy Central to get a decent shot of the giant cock n' balls on Bucky Bronco.

dong.

Scissor me timbers!

Final list is out. Here are the rest of the guys who were taken out back and shot:

WR, Cliff Russell. I knew it. He dropped that TD a week ago and then Keary Colbert went apeshit last night. He was pretty good on ST yesterday, but he dropped another one on a long throw. Oh well. I wanted to type "Cliffy" all year long.

G, Dylan Gandy. Interesting. I thought Tyler Polumbus was out. Also, I frickin' hate Erik Pears. Gandy gets the gate though.

LB, Jordan Beck Didn't show much in the preseason. Not a huge surprise here. Louis Green had a nice game yesterday before getting hurt. May have pushed him over the top.

CB, Tyrone Poole. Camp body. Slow. Ancient. Should probably think about packing it in.

CB, Wale Dada. Yeah. Warm body.

S, Vicky Vaughn. I saw him on the field once.

WR, Maraquay McDaniel. Mediocre punt returner. Even mediocre-er receiver. Never had a chance.

So that will do it. I'm a little surprised Roderick Rodgers is still on the team, but other than that, it went pretty much according to plan.

Shit gets real in nine days, folks.

Scissor me! - UPDATE ME!

It's cut day. Here's who got the 'ol high hard one:

FB, Cecil Sapp. Tough break. Got hurt last night and was waived-injured. Cecil gets cut every other year and he always comes back. Peyton Hillis is comparable and much younger. I don't think we've seen the end of Cecil though. UPDATE: The RMN got it wrong. Cecil was put on IR. Brett Pierce was waived-injured. Stupid News.

P, Sam Paulescu. Kern has better hang time. Much better hang time. That's why he won.

QB, Darrel Hackney. Nothing surprising. The brain trust has decided that Patrick Ramsey is an acceptable insurance policy. I'm not saying that Hackney is, though. He's got a cannon arm, but he's wild as shit. His footwork is kind of terrible and if his first receiver isn't there, he starts running. Usually into the back of a guard. I think my point here is that Patrick Ramsey sucks.

WR, Glen Martinez. The Truth. Too bad. I like having a guy named Martinez on the squad, but he wasn't going to get a shot returning punts and Keary Colbert played himself into a job last night.

G, PJ Alexander. Same deal as w/ Cecil. PJ always gets cut and always comes back.

TE, Brett Pierce. Had zero shot coming in. I think he knew what was up.

DE, Paul Carrington. Really disappointed w/ this one. Dude is 6'7", 275. He's a scary, scary monster.

DE, Larry Birdine. He was excellent last night. I thought he played himself into a job, too. Nope.

S, Josh Barrett. On the flip side, here's a guy that may have played himself out of a job last night. Practice squad if no one else wants him. They wont.

G, Mitch Erickson. Who the hell is Mitch Erickson?

DT, Steven Harris. Same drill as Pierce. No shot.

and finally:

TE, Chad Mustard. Keep your phone on, Chad. You know you're coming back at some point. I'm sure Denver Public Schools could use a few substitute math teachers while you're waiting for the call.

Also, Anthony Alridge tore ligaments in his foot last night and was put on IR. He was insane in that game. Fastest guy I've seen on this team in a long time. Tough break.

Doing the math here, we still need to whack several more. I'll be back later once I find out who they are.

Bozo the Clown gets one right

Der Fuhrer, Roger Goodell has seen the light. He took a break from gassing Jews/Cincinnatti Bengals long enough to reduce Brandon Marshall's suspension to one game.

Forget for a minute the fact that Marshall probably shouldn't have been suspended at all, and forget that Goodell's conduct policy is flat-out unconstitutional. At least he's only out for one game. And at least that game is against what is perhaps the worst franchise in all of sports. You can deal with it. Sort-of.

Still, I cant wait for someone to sue the league over a horseshit suspension. Now that Upshaw is rotting, it might happen.

Cattle Rustlin'

Holy crap, did we get fleeced. The Donks traded fat-boy Montrae Holland to Dallas for a fifth round pick. A starting O-Lineman from last year for a fifth round pick.

Yeah, he showed up a hundred pounds overweight and missed most of camp, but the guy was our best lineman last year. He would have eventually forced Shanny's hand w/ Chris Kuper and Ryan Harris (still not sold) and at a minimum provided some badly needed depth.

Exactly how fit does a fucking guard need to be, anyway? Does it make sense to dump a guy for 50 cents on the dollar?

HT to MHR

Taylor Jacobs! Come on down!

You're the next contestant on "Pack Your Shit and Get the Fuck Out!"

They need to dump 22 more players in the next 5 days. I might post some half assed garbage on where I think the cuts are coming. Or I might not. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion.

HT to BT on this one.

Chopping dead wood

Samie Parker, Josh Mallard and Lorne Sam, please pick up a white courtesy phone.

Wow, Parker was a hell of a pick-up there.

The Donks also moved Carlton Powell over to IR. They need to make one additional move by tomorrow.

What's wrong with this picture?

A lot of stuff

Acceptable

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly from the Packers game on Fri.


GOOD

The first team O scored on all three drives it had in the first half and tallied 17 points. One of said drives went 99 1/2 yards and chewed up eight and a half minutes. Offense looks real, real good.

Jay Cutler hasn't been sacked in the preseason. Nice job by the line. Improving every single week, especially the young tackles.

If Selvin and Andre Hall can both stay healthy, the running game will be very, very good.

The rushing D was very solid, especially up the middle. Dwayne Robertson clogs the middle and takes up multiple blockers. Exactly the way Sam Adams didn't. Best off-season move so far.

Matt Prater finally hit his first kick of a game. He's a complete monster on kickoffs. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think every Denver kickoff was a touchback.

Rook FB Peyton Hillis had a critical third down catch on that lengthy drive. He was the primary FB on that drive and did an excellent job. Cecil might want to watch his back, the kid looked real good.

Nate Jackson. You cannot get rid of this guy. Just when you think he's on the bubble, he catches a TD and looks very good blocking on the outside. Cockroaches, rats and Nate Jackson.

BAD

The first team D gave up an easy TD on the Pack's first drive. They marched right through Denver like Sherman through Atlanta.

Again, absolutely zero pass rush. Rodgers and Brohm had all day to throw. This is a serious problem. Elvis finally notched a sack at the end of the half, but sheesh.

Corners playing seven yards off the receiver on third and four. What the fuck is that all about? You're going to get a quick toss that way every single time. I'll never fucking understand that. It's retarded.

Speaking of Dre Bly, he was terrible.

Cutler was not impressive. 6 of 13 for 115yds. He did have two TD's but he got bailed out on the last one by Brandon Marshall, who is disgustingly good by the way. Cut saw the single coverage on him w/ no safety help and audibled to a go route, which he underthrew. The Packers lined up in the same D on the next play and Cut went to the go again...and underthrew it again. Marshall was able to reach back and bat it up into the air and bobbled it a couple of times, finally hauling it in for an easy TD. UPDATE: I guess this wasn't really underthrown. Eat a dick.

Terrible two minute defense at the end of the half.

My man Cliff Russell may have cost himself a spot on the team with a drop in the end zone on fourth and goal. Right now he looks better than Keary Colbert or even Darrell Jackson (did he even play?), but I don't know man....that drop was huge. Hopefully it won't cost him a spot, but I could see something like that being the deciding factor.

Chad Mustard whiffed badly on a block late in the game and nearly got Patrick Ramsey killed. As it turned out, Ramsay was blasted as he threw, the ball fluttered up into the air and was easily snatched by a Pack D-lineman deep in Denver territory. GB took it to the house four plays later. If you're looking for a play that lost Denver the game, that one was it. If the rest of the TE's can stay healthy, Mustard is gone.

UGLY

Is it me or does Darrell Hackney look like a full-sized Arnold Jackson?

There was an insane sideline interview w/ a midget from Taco Bell about the Tacos for Kids program or some shit. He probably wasn't technically a midget, but he came up to about mid-chest of the guy interviewing him. He was tanned as fuck and looked like he A-Rod style purple lipstick. Weird little exchange.

Elvis and Marquand Manual both broke fingers and will need surgery. Both should be ready for opening day. A guy I really like, the monsterous Paul Carrington, also got dinged up.


All in all, it was a decent night. The O is looking great.

Hard Knocks was not epic - UPDATE

Disappointing night from HBO. I know the show is about the fucking Cowboys, but almost the entire episode was about the Denver trip and you get to hear exactly two Broncos speak. Eddie Royal (the only thing he says is "awww, man") and Brett Fucking Pierce. Brett Pierce. Seriously. Brett Pierce.

Here are some quick hits on the show (I'm basically posting my notes):


Jerry Jones sits in on coaches meetings. Doesn't this guy have a billion-dollar empire to run? Talk about a meddling owner. You thought Dan Snyder was bad? He's probably not interrupting DB coaches meetings with his thoughts on how well a guy tackles.

An incredibly gay montage featuring the Dallas strength coach. Homo-riffic!

Peter King and Jerry Jones stuffing their faces with popcorn. There's an inexplicable close up of King chowing down. Maybe the worst 45 seconds of TV I've ever seen. UPDATE: KSK has video and just destroys this.

Dave Campo is kind of a clown.

Nice background shots of Denver.

Tony Romo: "Denver's just another tool for us." Someone here is a tool Tony, and it ain't Denver.

More Romo: "I suck" (repeatedly) and "I'm frickin average." Yes, you do and you are.

Obligatory elevation montage. I cant breathe. Trying to catch my breath. Breathe me. Campo actually has wisdom on the subject.

The aforementioned Brett Pierce discussion revolved around how Demarcus Ware "dominates practice." The joke is about how trying to block him is like putting your hand on a little kid's head and holding him off while he's swinging at you. Pretty good, but have that damn discussion with someone important.

Seriously, does Jerry Jones have anything else to do?

Nice montage of Pacman getting abused by Cliff Russell and a couple of other guys.

Dallas' D coordinator uses phrase "'posed to be." "You're out of position...you're posed to be over there." Terrible.

A lot of whining and complaining from the Boys about how Denver is hitting too hard. Awww...poor bitches.

Felix Jones got leveled by somebody. Roy Williams is now actively trying to ruin people's knees. Fight's a comin'. Horse collar just predicted it.

Footage of the fight is pretty shitty. Nothing you haven't already seen, but I swear it looks like Flozell is trying to brain Marcus Thomas with his helmet. Everyone says it's not as bad as it looked, but fuck that.

Tank Johnson is completely crazy.

The game footage is all about how Denver kicked their ass early, how Miles Austin got hurt and how a bunch of young kids finally got into the game.


All in all, watching this as a Broncos fan was a waste of time.

Horvil Tiki makey blog

Horvil Tiki has brought his insight to the blogosphere. Here's a chunk from his his most recent post:

I celbrate the dallis win makey the Bronco choclat chip cooky.

Is the sacred Bronco color of old guy. Old skool. They is the sacred. Grandfather sit and sift the sacred old skool bronco m and m by the fire in fall and winter. He sing hymnal of giant Bronco albino crab, legend pass down from the generates.

Believe me, the rest of it is as awesome as you think it is. Welcome, Horvil.

HT to commenter Bobby.

Improvements

Quick Good, Bad and Ugly on the win over Big D. Speaking of "Big D" why the hell does Dallas get that moniker? Fuck Dallas.

GOOD:

Jay Fucking Cutler. That's about as good as a quarterback can play. 80% completion rate so far. Very excited about Cut this year.

Andre Hall. Made a very serious case for the starting job. Runs harder than Selvin. Selvin was pretty good on Sat. too, but Hall is very, very hard to tackle. He's been the best kick returner too.

Eddie Royal. I haven't sung his praises like everyone else in the blogosphere, mostly because I remember how high everyone was on Marcus Nash and Darius Watts. Great hands, good concentration. He got leveled on a semi-dangerous pass from Cut, but took the hit and hung on to the ball. Nice game.

Brandon Stokley is still the best slot receiver in football. Perfect routes. Almost always open.

O-Line was much improved, especially Ryan Clady.


BAD:

Patrick Ramsay still sucks assholes. Dude is TERRIBLE. I'd rather have Vinny Testeverde's corpse out there taking snaps.

Wesley Woodyard came back to earth a little bit.

D-Line is still not getting any pressure on the QB at all. The run-D was better, especially in the middle, but still needs a lot of work.

Prater has missed two kicks in two games. Don't give me any shit about a high-snap either. High snaps are going to happen. Palescu go the hold down. No reason for him to miss that kick at the end of the half.

UGLY:

Penalties, penalties, penalties. Including three in a row on one series backing the Donks back up inside the five. Of course that drive ended 95 yards later on a TD pass to Brandon Marshall, but still. Sloppy.

Rookie CB Jack Williams picked off a pass late in the game and had an open track to the house, only he got tripped up from behind by whoever the Dallas QB was. I'm sure he caught hell for that in the locker room.


All in all a pretty good job. The first team O looked really good on the first two series and the first team bent, but didn't break. Solid effort.

Of course he did

John Lynch signed with the New England Patriots.

I don't know if you were aware of this, but they like old, slow, non-black football players up there.

Even though we have to play him in week 7 it's still better than playing his pissed off ass twice. Besides, by October he's likely to have Alzheimers or a broken hip or something.

It's ovuh!

Remember when I said I'd be around sparingly over the next couple of weeks? I lied.

The nature of the law factory game is sometimes you bust your ass only to watch the work disappear right in front of your face. And you move on to the next one, where the same thing is likely to happen. It's a little frustrating sometimes.

Anyway, it leaves me relatively free to talk about how the having the Cowboys in town is a lot of fun.

During the morning workout, the Broncos' defense was getting the better of the Cowboys' offense when tempers flared. Cowboys left tackle Flozell Adams yanked the helmet off Broncos' defensive tackle Marcus Thomas and swung it in a threatening manner. Some pushing, pulling and cursing followed but order was restored without any punches thrown.

I'm surprised Centipede Jones was able to hold back and not go ape-shit on somebody Kermit Washington style.

Speaking of mediocre cornerbacks, this little feud Jones has going with Brandon Marshall is really getting stupid. I realize that Brandon Marshall doesn't have a lot of credibility himself, but at least he's pretty fucking good. Jones, on the other hand, has ZERO credibility and he pretty much fucking sucks. Oh, and he's technically not really allowed to play football yet.

You'd think a guy like that would maybe want to keep a low profile, right? Nope. He's running his mouth about how TO is ten times faster and ten times stronger than Marshall (who has been beating Jones like a Jersey wife all week).

Marshall's been a little childish himself, wearing stupid little messages taped to his pads during practice. "21's no Champ", cutesy shit like that. He's being retarded, but Galaga started it.

Long, long days

I know it's been several days, since I posted anything, but work has been shittay. With a capital ittay. I worked 11 hours yesterday and another 10 today. The rest of the week doesn't get any better, which sucks because next week looks pretty terrible too. And I just know Lumbergh is going to have me come in on Saturday. Maybe some of you reading this blog on your computatin' machine are farmers who work sun-up to sun-down, but I'm a fat, lazy, citified bastard. I like to work my 7.5 and get the fuck out. This shit is killing me.

Posts might be a little sparse for the next couple of weeks. Great time for it to happen, huh? Shit is finally getting interisting and I'm forced to pretty much ignore it. Shit, Chad Mustard's back! That alone is good for three posts.

Some guys got cut (one guy I liked: Lamont Reid, one guy I hated: Christian Morton), some guys were signed (CB Wale Dada, CB Tyrone Poole) and some fat guys are now allowed to play with the rest of the kids. So you see, there's a lot going on.

Wait. Tyrone Poole? Didn't we already cut him like six years ago because he was fucking terrible? We did? Hmm...do cornerbacks get better with age?

The really big news though, is that the Cowboys are in town for a few practices leading up to the game on Sat. You know what that means? That's right, the Denver Broncos are coming to HBO! I love the idea of Hard Knocks and I have stumbled across a couple of episodes, but I don't watch it regularly. I don't watch it because I don't want to care about anyone on the overblown Cowboys or the loser Chiefs or the irrelevant Ravens or any other lame ass team that doesn't end in oncos. Now that Denver's involved, even peripherally, I'm going to watch at least one episode.

Starting off

Mixed bag from Denver's loss last night. There were some positives, there were some negatives and there was some play sloppy play overall.

This year I'm going to go ahead and steal from about a half dozen places and bring you the Good, the Bad and the Ugly for each game.

GOOD:

The first team O got some rhythm on their second and last possession and ripped off a lengthy 75 yd drive ending w/ an impressive 15 yd TD run by Cutler. We're gonna need a lot of points again this year.

Wesley Woodyard looked like a young Al Wilson. He was flying around everywhere. Impressive night from that kid.

Anthony Aldridge is fast as hell. Third quarter: typical Denver running play. O-line drives left, backside is cut down at the knees, Aldridge is supposed to make one cut and go, only he cut right into a waiting LB. He bounced it past the guy and turned on the jets down the sideline for 30 yard gain. It was an insane play.

There's just something about Cliff Russell and Lamont Reid. I want both of those guys on this team.

Nate Jackson had a nice game.

Nate Webster's helmet made it's first appearance of the season.

Casey Weigmann got beat badly once, but overall he was pretty solid.

Christian Morton had one of the biggest hits on a QB I've ever seen. He came in untouched on a corner blitz and just destroyed Sage Rosenfels, who coughed it up. Rosenfels was staring at his receiver so hard he never saw Morton coming straight at him. It was awesome. More on this guy later.

BAD:

Actually, more on this guy right now. He's terrible. A pass interference call, a holding call, cream cheese coverage all night long.

I'm surprised that Patrick Ramsay has a job in this league. He's how do you say...not good. At all. If Cut goes down (knocks furiously on wood), we're in serious trouble.

Ryan Harris had a terrible, terrible night. He's got to get better. An illegal formation call wipes out a huge gain on the first series. A holding call as Denver was driving in the second half, and another on first and goal on that same drive.

Niko K was pretty much absent from the game. I heard his name maybe once.

Ryan Clady got manhandled by Mario Williams early on. Just abused. He picked it up a little bit later on, but he's still got a ways to go.

The D in general was pretty crappy. Two long, time consuming drives to open the game. No pressure on the QB. Receivers running wide open down the middle. Big holes for RB's. A lot of starters weren't playing, including three quarters of the secondary (Dre Bly did play a little later on though) so take it with a grain of salt. Disappointing, but still really early.


UGLY:

Boss Bailey (of course) sprained his ankle early on and didn't return. Starting to wonder about that guy.

Three plays later, Bailey's backup Louis Green suffered a neck injury and was carted off the field and taken to the hospital. He was back in the locker room by the end of the game, so he should be alright. Like Warrick Holdman last year, an injury might have cost him his roster spot.

A shit ton of penalties. Hey, it's early.

The Denver Broncos uniforms. It's been 11 years now. It's time for a change. Keep the logo, but the unis have to go. The blue pants are tolerable, but the white pants have to stop.

Conclusion: Satisfactory for the first game in eight months.

Gameday, motherfuckers

It's been a long time, friend. Welcome back.

Unfortunately, if you can believe it, I'm gonna have to miss this live. Yeah. I know. I've got a law factory summer party that I absolutely have to go to. It doesn't look good when you skip these inane functions, so I have to put in a couple hours. If it was a regular season game, I'd blow this nonsense off in a second. Jesus, it was law factory Rockies game on Thursday. How much camaraderie does a law factory need? Most of these people hate each other. Why the charade?

Anyway, I'll tivo it and stay sober enough to be coherent when I get home. Anyone at the party who mentions the game in any fashion is going in the pool, clothed or not.

What do you watch for in these games? Well, the only thing that really matters is injury free play. You'd like to see the first string O to move the ball effectively when they're in there. It would be nice if the first string D forced at least one three and out and didn't give up any points. Matt Prater better be damn near perfect. You look for good line play on both sides of the ball. Hopefully it's a crisp, mistake free game.

The rest of it is pretty much a wash. A couple of guys will step up and impress, a couple of guys will disappoint.

There's maybe 10 roster spots up for grabs, but I don't get too excited for that aspect of it. Why? Because barring injuries, of those 10 guys, 8 will be deactivated on game-day for 16 straight weeks and the other two likely will never see the field. A lot of guys are into that shit, but I don't really care who the 6th LB or the 8th DB is. They're never going to play when it matters. And if they do, something is seriously wrong.

Check back tomorrow for the recap.

MJD is still mighty

MJD over at Yahoo! (!!!) is running a preview of each team titled "Love/Hate." It's a simple premise, something to love and something to hate about each team. Here's his take on the Donks.

The absolute masterpiece in this series though, is his Raiders take. Enjoy!

The pain train has been derailed

The first (and only, hopefully) major injury of camp has struck. Rook RB Ryan "The Pain Train" Torain broke a bone in his elbow and will likely miss half of the season.

Kind of sucks, because Torain had a shot at the starting job. This little set-back pretty much puts and end to his effectiveness for the Denver Broncos for the entire season. Anthony Aldridge is now guaranteed a spot on the roster.

In other news, there is still only one kicker in camp. Yeah, he's been solid so far, but what are we talking about? Practice? Practice? Not a game. Not a game. Not the game that I go out there and die for. We're talking about practice, man.

Quick prediction: Tommy Nails retires before camp ends.

Why Montrae Holland is still watching fattily from the sidelines

In the first take, Montrae orders eight junior bacon cheesburgers and four large frosties.

Mike Shanahan lays it on the line

During an interview w/ The Fan 950 this morning, the coach shockingly threw down the motherfucking gauntlet. Here's the money shot:

"We will not miss the playoffs"

He even went so far as to say that not only would the Donks be playing in January, but they could do "something special" when they got there.

Now, has anyone ever heard Shanahan offer up any kind of insight or some bold prediction during an interview or press conference or anything like that? No. The man gives you nothing. He spews the same old bland lines and lame cliches that almost every other coach and player in the league gives. Shanahan and Belichick are the masters of talking to the media while not saying anything.

LOVE the enthusiasm from the coach. Love. It.

I don't think this is just him issuing a challenge to the team. That's not how he operates. I think that if he's jacked up enough to actually say it, he's gotta be serious. He didn't say that shit last year, or the year before, or the year before that. I've never heard him say it. I think he actually believes it.