What's the eal with enver's ?

Look at some of these go -awful stats:

Yar s per game? 30th. readful!

Yar s per play? 31st. istasteful!

Points per game? 29th. espicable!

Total points? 31st. isgusting!

3r own percentage? Surprisingly 23r . I ecide early on it was way lower. But still, eplorable!

Secon to last in VOA at 21.9% last week? isaster!

It's Ma ening!!!!

Lane Kiffin is going out with panache

Unimaginable.

Around the 35 second mark, you can see Rob Ryan walk off in disgust

At 45 seconds, some coach in a black shirt and a white visor just totally blows Kiffin off and he walks away all sad-sack and shit like he always does.

The raiders are a pant-load of fun right now.

Pathetic

You play this poorly, you don't get Josey Wales Clint or Dirty Harry Clint, you get pussy-ass Bridges of Madison County Clint. Here's The Good The Bad and The Ugly from the 33-19 prison rape at the hands of KC.

GOOD:

Hmm....lets see.... I guess Eddie Royal had a pretty good game. Although he did fumble the ball early...leading to a KC FG...so I guess he wasn't really THAT good.

What else?

What about...? Nope.

I got nothing.

BAD & UGLY:

Every single facet of that fucking nightmare game.

The O couldn't get on track against KC's terrible D.

Jay Cutler still occasionally makes absurdly terrible decisions w/ the football. He threw picks on consecutive throws for fucks sake. The second one was just terrible. Typical play action roll-out to Cut's left. Scheffler is WIDE FUCKING OPEN down the middle and Cut tries to go all the way across the field to Marshall, who was doubled up. Easy pick. Just a brainless throw.

The running game was non-existant.

The O line was awful.

The D couldn't stop anyone when it needed to. Seriously, doesn't it seem like opponents are converting on third down at a 95% clip? Get a fucking stop.

Larry Johnson went for nearly 200 yards.

Someone named Damon Huard looked like Len Dawson in his prime. Dre Bly will now be known as Dre Blight around these parts.

We gave up huge kickoff returns. KC's average starting position was their own 47. Forty Seven!

The Deliverance Kid shanked a 30 yarder (he did hit from 51 and 56 later in the game, though).

Britt Kern yaked a punt about 20 yards.


So yeah, this game fucking sucked dingleberried assholes. If you turn the ball over four fucking times on the road, you're going to lose. Period. You'll even lose to a team that hadn't won a game for nearly a full calender year and had averaged 11 measly points so far this season. They flat-out weren't ready to play.

Unacceptable.

Former Raiders Cheerleader crosses over to the Orange side

Elsewhere on the tubes, you'll read about how John's turning traitor or sticking it to Broncos fans or sleeping with the enemy or whatever because he's marrying a former Raiders cheerleader. Not here. Bravo to you, sir.

Seriously...look at this chick. How could you not want to bang that every night? A dude is a dude, and said dude is going to want to tear into some hot-ass poon. Even if said poon used to work for the NFL equivalent of Monty Burns.

So congrats to John. Here's to many happy years of motorboatin' your brains out, buddy.

HT to Bird
Photo from Shutdown Corner

whaaaaa?

OUT: Hamza Abdullah, S


In a move that shocks absolutely everyone, the Donks waived Hamza Abdullah and added some out of work safety named Vernon Fox, most recently of the Redskins.

OK...I don't get it. This guy was an up-and-coming player, a star in the making. Yeah, he hurt himself early on and missed most of camp. And yeah, when he finally came back he looked fatter and slower and more hesitant. And sure, he was a healthy scratch the last two games, while some guy named Calvin Lowry was receiving a ton of playing time. But dammit, Hamza was the most feared hitter in these parts since Kenoy Kennedy. And jesus, he can't be any worse than Lowry or Manual at this point can he? Oh well.

I for one will miss the bone jarrin', helmet rattlin' Hamza.

My only friend, the end

OUT: Tommy Nails, C


In a move that shocks absolutely no one, the Donks put Tom Nalen on IR today, bringing an end to his season.

Is this the end for the greatest O-Lineman in team history? Probably. I don't see him coming back and doing this all over again next year....and then Shanny having to force him out as the fans howl. Tommy's too good for that. The wheels are starting to fall off and it's probably time to hang 'em up.

Hats off to the real reason we won back to back SB's.

Sorry about that, Coach

Apparently, Shanny hasn't called the plays on offense since 1999. 1999! I've given him a ton of shit about the play calling the last few years, so...uhmmm...my bad.

Also, it is now painfully obvious that my copy of this photograph is a print.

You're on notice

A win is a win, and don't get me wrong, it's nice to win. Real nice. But seriously, you're gonna have to get a fuckin' stop at some point, gentlemen. Forcing two punts isn't going to get it done for very long.

Cutler is going to have another off day at some point, and not all the kickers we face are going to be wacky Gramaticas.




D should get better this week. KC's offense is almost nonexistent.

Sean Penn left last month

De-fense!

clap clap

De-fense!

clap clap

De-fense!

clap clap

Upgradin'

IN: Cliff Russell, WR


The Donks dealt Keary Colbert and his $7M contract to Seattle for a "late round" pick and filled the slot with my main man Cliffy Russell.



My favorite pre-season wideout is back. Here's hoping he gets some playing time w/ this modified Run and Shoot, that apparently Jeremy Bates is running.



In other news, Jarvis Moss might actually get to put his uniform on this weekend! Isn't that fabulous news?!!? The 17th overall pick from last year might actually get to play!

Every level

Lookie lookie what I just got:








Which of course means I had to take this photo:





I knew someone should have made a bigger deal about this. Thanks to whoever sent that link over.

Last word

No.

Denver would not have won without an inadvertent whistle from Eddie Guns. No one is denying that. Sometimes shit happens like that and sometimes life isn't fair. I know things really suck for you guys right now and I'm really sorry you got shafted out of a win.

Insanity

Quick Good, Bad and Ugly from the mind-bending 39-38 win over the bitches from San Diego.

GOOD:

The Offense. I'm frightened of this O.

Mike Shanahan's giant elephant balls.

BAD:

The Defensive line.

The Linbackers.

The Secondary.

Did I mention the Defense? Even Champ was terrible. At some point, you're going to have to force a team to punt in the second half in order to win. With this O, you don't have to be great, or even good. You just have to be average.

UGLY:

Ed Hochuli. For casting a shadow over that game. Get ready to listen to how Guns handed the game to the Donks, and how they're not that good.


Yeah, we got a gift, courtesy of an inadvertent whistle and a "ahem" malfunctioning instant replay system. Everyone gets a gift game from time to time, and yesterday was our time. The bottom line though is we're 2-0. And the Chargers are 0-2. Suck it Rivers, you little bitch.

Oh my god.

That was the ballsiest move I've ever seen from an NFL coach. Un. Fucking. Believable. Wow.

An open letter to KCNC-4, Denver

Dear Assholes,

What the fuck makes you think that the fine, relatively intelligent citizens of Denver have any interest whatsoever in watching the "game" between Oakland and Kansas City simply because it's an AFC West game?

Nonsense. You're forcing me to watch a nearly equally unwatchable Carolina-Chicago tilt.

I think I can speak for the whole city when I say, here are some games we'd rather see:

Indy-Minnesota
Buffalo-Jax
Tennesse-Cincy

That's every other game you've got this morning. Yes, We'd rather even see Tennessee and Cincy. That's how horrifingly god awful KC-Oakland is. No one want's to see this on-field abortion they've got going on over in the flat state.

Get bent, jerks.

Sincerely,
The City and County of Denver

Terrible accident just off I-25

44 injured, one fatality:

Is this responsible?

I'm not saying anything, I'm just sayin...

This table? It's round

Wily genius Bankmeister over at the excellent HOG asked me to take part in a semi-regualr feature where bloggers from the Chiefs and Donks get together and participate in a roundtable discussion about the state of their teams or why SD is wildly overrated or whatever the hell else strikes Bank's fancy.

The roster includes myself, Adam from Arrowhead Addict, Chris from Arrowhead Pride and my man Kyle from Bronco Talk.

First installment is up today. Check it out here. Click on some of their ads while you're over there, you lousy freeloaders.

Weird banjo playing kid from Deliverance now kicking for the Broncos

1000 words

Via KSK

Cut me a switch, Lane

'Cause we're gonna to beat your ass with it.

Here's The Good, The Bad and The Ugly from the 41-14 prison rape of the Oakland Raiders. It's ok though, most Oakland fans are familiar with prison rape. For most of them, it's the only kind of love they'll ever experience.

GOOD:

Everything about the Denver O. Seriously, they haven't clicked like that since '98. Everything worked. Everything.

Shanny's got his play-calling swagger back. He turned Cut loose in the red zone, threw out of running formations, switched everything up really well. He had Oakland bamboozled all night long.

Eddie Royal is a man. He's 22! What an insane game for the kid. He made DeAngelo Hall look like Dominique Foxworth in the '05 AFC Championship. Brandon, who?

I think that any argument about who is the best QB from the '06 draft class is pretty much over, right? He had what...three bad throws all night?

O-line gave Cut all night long to throw. Pretty good w/ the run blocking too. Solid.

The D was ok...not great or even good, but OK. They have some serious work ahead of them this weekend. Pressure on the QB was better, but they looked soft against the run again, especially on the right side.


BAD

The Oakland Raiders. Oh man, are they bad. Typical Raider-type (read: cheapshot) penalties, dropped passes, terrible line play on both sides of the ball, etc. They're beyond awful. I don't know how anyone picked them to finish ahead of KC.

Mike Ditka. Seriously, gang. Get this loud-mouth, defeatist fuck-stick off my TV.

There isn't a single player on Denver that you can really point a finger at and say "you have to get better." Marquand Manual is a little soft in coverage, but that's about it.

UGLY

Oakland Raiders fans. I think you can fit some more skulls on that stupid get-up there, Violator.


Not a lot for those last two categories, eh? It's all good. All of it.

Halftime update - lookin' good, Lewis

Feelin' good, Billy Ray.

Ha ha, stupid fuckin' Raiders.

Start goddammit!

Come on, hurry the fuck up! Let's go already. Who the hell starts an NFL game at 8pm? Jesus! It's actually 8:15.

How pumped are we?

So pumped that we don't even care about Mike and Mike and Mike in the booth.

Suck it, Oakland.

Darth Vader, you're up.

Here's some more funzies for ya, too.

Audi

OUT: Cecil Sapp, FB


The Rocky Mountain News eventually got it right. Today the Donks reached an injury settlement w/ Cecil Sapp and then kicked his ass to the curb. No word on whether or not he stole the contents of Peyton Hillis' locker on his way out.

I was under the impression that you couldn't waive a guy from IR, regardless of whether or not a settlement was reached. Guess I was way off-base on that count.

Also:

OUT: Alvin McKinley, DT.
IN: Josh Shaw, DT
IN: Dylan Gandy, OT
IN: Roderick Rogers, S (Practice Squad)

Shaw was essentially a swap for McKinley (which is like swapping genital warts for the clap), and Gandy filled the spot that Foxworth vacated.

The roster is finalized (for the most part) and the NFL season started 45 minutes ago. Good. Times.

Tatum Bell is misunderstood

Tatum Bell issued an incoherent response to this mornings hilarious accusations.

“I ain’t no thief, I ain’t never been one, and I ain’t never going to be one. It was all a misunderstanding. You can ask anybody I played with for all my years or anybody that know me, man. They know I ain’t never stolen nothing from nobody or had those kind of intentions."

Tatum says he was doing a favor and picking up bags for some dude that had got cut earlier and didn't know they were Johnson's.

"I didn’t have a clue. I wasn’t thinking or nothing at the time. I just grabbed the backpack and grabbed the other bag. It wasn’t in nobody’s locker or nothing like that. It was just sitting right there by the computers. … So I grabbed them and put them in the car...If you look on film, I wasn’t in no hurry or nothing. I was just going about my day. I tried to talk to Rudi yesterday, but he was pretty upset, so I let it go. So now it’s that I’m being a thief. I come to found out that the bags weren’t whose I thought they was. It was just an honest mistake, man.

But ain’t nobody saying nothing to me. They’re just stuck on the fact that I’m a thief. I’m like, ‘You all know me better than that.’ I ain’t never been in no trouble. You know what I’m saying? I ain’t never, ever, ever been in no situation like this. I’m just trying to clear my name.”

Rudi ain't buyin' that shit for a second:

The bags were at a woman’s house, and the woman brought them to Lions headquarters – empty. Johnson said he canceled his credit cards.

“I got the bags back empty. So he got a bunch of my underclothes. What he’s going to do with that, I don’t know...He left the money clip, but he didn’t leave no money in it. He should have took the clip, too...If anybody’s got some Perry Ellis boxers for sale, you know where they came from.”

Is this story better than the former wideout saga from a couple months ago? Yes. Yes it is.

Tatum Bell will jack your Samsonite

In what might be one of the goofiest stories I've ever heard, former Donk and recently waived Lion RB Tatum Bell is being accused of swiping Rudi Johnson's luggage from the Lions facility.

Awesome, right? Of course, the item is from one of that weird looking little weasel Mike Florio's "reliable sources," so it has to be taken with not a grain, but a ton of salt.

I hope it's true. I really do. The thought of Tatum Bell lifting Johnson's luggage as some childish act of revenge is frickin' sweet as hell.

Of course, after he swiped the bags and took off running, a well-placed potted fern was able to bring Tatum down for a two yard loss.

UPDATE: Kyle over at BT made a similar joke earlier this morning. His was about Bell fumbling the bags, but it's essentially the same thing. Hats off.

Foxworth less than I thought

Mr. "I'd be a starter anywhere else in the league" will now get that chance.

He was traded to Atlanta for a conditional seventh round pick. If he re-signs w/ the Atl, it gets bumped to a sixth rounder. Yikes.

They've been trying to trade the guy for two years now and apparently this is all we could get for him.

Starter, huh? Good luck with that.

Keep moving!

Donks is still wheelin' and dealin'.

IN: S, Calvin Lowry. Claimed off waivers from Tenn. Never heard of him? Neither have I.

OUT: S, Roderick Rodgers. Yeah.

IN: QB, Darrell Hackney (Practice Squad). "He'll never clear waivers!" the maniacs shouted. Uh yes, he will. He's not very good.

IN: S, Josh Barrett (PS). "No way in hell will 31 teams pass this guy over!" the clinically insane proclaimed. Uh, yes he will. He's also not very good...yet.

IN: G, Mitch Erickson (PS). Who the hell is Mitch Erickson?

IN: DT, Steven Harris (PS). OK

IN: WR, Travis Wilson (PS). Claimed off waivers from Cleveland. Never heard of him.

IN: DE, Ryan McBean (PS) Claimed off waivers from Pitt. Again. I've never heard of him, but apparently he played at CU, so bully for him.

IN: RB, PJ Pope (PS). Claimed off waivers from Chicago, who has perhaps the worst running game in the league. Oh well. His name is PJ Pope. Pope of the PJ's!

One more slot on the PS is open. Seems like we should get probably get a DB in there.

Also, word round the campfire is that Dominique Foxworth is on his way out of town via trade. Of course, this comes from Bill Williamson, so who the hell knows. He does quote Fox in the piece though, so maybe it's true. We won't get more than mid-round pick or another middling player under similar contractual circumstances for him. "He's worth two first rounders!" the lunatics will yell. They will be wrong, of course.

Also, the Patriots pretty much proved what I've been saying all along, which is that John Lynch is a pretty crappy football player at this point in his career. They did sign former Donk Deltha O'Neal though, so they've got that going for them.