You mockin' me? Part 2

The mock draft over at Mile High Report started earlier this week. As you may recall, I'm picking for the sad-sack Dolphins. My pick was DE Chris Long. He's the safest and probably best player in the draft. I was locked into him from day one and didn't move off of it.

There was talk about extending this thing for like four rounds, which is completely absurd. I'm not sure what they finally decided on, but I'm only good for another round. I don't know enough about college football players to do any more than that.


Not much else going on in Broncoland. Champ popped off about the decision to let Elam walk. I don't get it, with all of the crazy shit that's gone on this offseason, this is what he's pissed about?

Brandon Marshall sez: "I have a lot of growing up to do." Unfortunately, he said the same thing after his little domestic deal...and again after the DUI. I'll believe it when I see it.

Also, the Broncos signed back up C Casey Wiegmann a couple of weeks ago. It's an insurance move in case Tommy Nails isn't ready to go or if the 36 year old's play slips. Wiegmann is durable, very durable. He started every game for KC for seven straight years. I used to hate Wiegmann, HATE him. But hey, that's all in the past, right? We're buddies now, you and me. Whaddya say, guy?

The best news of all though, is the move they made last week that almost assures them of a third Super Bowl.

Good thing receivers don't need their arms

Brandon Marshall is sticking with his story. Ill-placed McDonald's garbage and "horseplay" with family members are the reasons he sliced an artery, a vein, a nerve and five muscle tendons in his right arm.

I'm still not buying it, but who gives a shit at this point? The main concern? Our top wideout (and essentially our entire receiving corps) sliced an artery, a vein, a nerve and five muscle tendons in his right arm.

He's out 3 months, but will supposedly be ready by training camp. This isn't good news. Arms are, you know, kind of important to that whole catching the ball thing. You should probably have two functioning, healthy ones in order to be a productive football player, right?

Anyone remember the last wideout we had with a history of nerve/tendon damage in one of his extremities? It was this guy. And this guy, if you'll recall, couldn't catch the ball very well.

Don't make light of this...this is a huge setback for Marshall and the entire offense. Another one...

Brandon Marshall slices up his arm, blames Grimace and the Fry Guys

Is anyone actually buying this? Because I'm not.

Our top wideout currently has his arm in a cast after supposedly tripping wildly over a McDonald's bag and smashing his arm through his entertainment center. Here's what he had to say about his little mishap yesterday:

I want to thank everybody for their concerns and let everyone know that I'm okay...It's funny because I pride myself on YAC and being one of the toughest players to take down once I have the ball in my hands.

So for the next couple of days I'm going to take the time to build my confidence back up after allowing that McDonalds bag to take me down and send me through the entertainment center.

First off, who is this guy, me? Eating at McDonald's? You're a professional athlete, man. When discussing dining options, the word "McDonald's" should never come from your mouth.

Second, where do you live, my apartment? You've just got random fast food bags and garbage all over the floor? You're a millionaire. They're called Merry Maids. You should probably hire one.

So yeah, I think this is some epic horseshit. Jeff Kent and David Wells level horseshit.

Enjoy Atlanta, buddy

OUT: Jason Elam, K



Jason Elam now kicks for the [holds beer mug over mouth] Atlanta Falcons. They're giving him a 4 year, $9M deal with $3.3M guaranteed. We weren't going anywhere near that, especially considering this horseshit cash-flow problem the front office has concocted, and now he's kicking for someone else.

You already know I'm not too distraught by this news. Sure it'll be strange having to deal with an open competition for the place kicking job, but it was going to happen eventually. And since almost everything is pointing towards the Donks sucking ass again, it's probably the right time to say goodbye to Old Man Kicker.

Great guy, great teammate, weird-o Jesus nut, best-selling author, war hero, pilot, bear fighter and all-around badass.

Not to mention the Broncos all time leader in points scored and games played. Is he a Ring of Famer? Yeah. First ballot.

When it's all said and done, I won't remember the fact that he maxed out at 45. I won't remember that we've had to carry two kickers for the last couple of years because he can't kick off anymore.

No, I'll remember all the game-winners and the 63 yarder in a playoff game. I'll remember the way he was automatic from inside 50 for a five or six year stretch there (and pretty reliable between 50 and 55, too). I'll remember how, over that same five or six year stretch, I wouldn't have taken any kicker in the history of the league over him.

Good luck, man.

Mike Shanahan laughs at your pathetic residence

Feeling pretty good about your living situation? Got a nice 3 bed, 2 bath, ranch house w/ a pool and a two-car garage in a nice neighboorhood with a good school district?

Pffftttt. You might as well be living on a fuckin' street-corner, you penniless indigent. Check out Shanny's new pad:

the 34,927-square-foot home includes a bowling alley and lounge, a poker room, a video-golf room, a racquetball court and a shuffleboard table

I love how poker and video-golf each got their own separate room. By the way, my apartment is 428 sq. ft.

And that's just in the basement, where there also will be four bedrooms

Jesus.

The main level includes two studies, a gallery, a music and living room, a gathering room, a dining room, a conservatory, a kids' arcade and playroom, and two bedrooms, including a master suite with his and hers closets.

Two studies and a conservatory, you ask? Of course. Each person living in a house SHOULD have their own study. And you can't NOT have a conservatory, right?

There are six fireplaces; a 3,600-square-foot, six-car garage; a 2,150-square-foot guest house; a "wine residence" and guest house; a swimming pool; and two bridges

The wine gets it's own guest-house? Is this for when the wine throws dinner parties for liquor and beer and the guests get just a little too drunk to drive home? Did I mention that my apartment is 428 sq. ft?

Here's the worst part:

The Shanahans bought the 3.5-acre lot where they are building the home from Janet Elway for $4 million

Traitor.

Point of Order

I'd like to make sure that everyone out there that reads this site is aware that there is a commenter over at the Denver Post who also goes by the name of hercules rockefeller. I would also like to point out that he is not me.

The difference between me and he? Gems like this:

Elam's kicks will travel further in GA's humidity than in Denver's dry air, sea level or not. The difference in air density from the moisture (a nitrogen molecule is heavier than a water molecule) far outweighs the small difference in air pressure due to the difference in altitude. It's the main reason why Elam's 63 yard kick in denver's dry air is more impressive than Dempsey's 63 yard kick in Louisiana's humin air.

I know I'm not a physics professor, but don't the Falcons play in a temperature and humidity controlled dome, guy?

I'm not too sure about the rest of his theory, either. I don't see an inordinate number of home runs flying out of Pro Player Stadium. I don't know. Maybe one of you science nerdlingers can either confirm or deny fake hercules rockefeller's theory.

Anyway, my main point here is that people that comment on D Post newspaper articles are complete and utter jackasses and should be subject to forced sterilizations.

Mike Shanahan will fire you, too

Mike: Andy, Paul, Jane, Tony, um...Sport over there, lets see...johnny loud-pants, Michael Bolton and...yeah, you there in the glasses, can you guys step into my office?

Andy: Why?

Mike: Cause you're fuckin' fired!


Regardless of what you read in that link, Broncos COO Joe Ellis doesn't exist. He's not a real person. He's a fictional character, like God or Keyser Sose. I can almost picture Shanny limping away from the press conference...with that maniacal grin on his face.

Seriously though, I think crying poverty here doesn't make a lot of sense.

Straight cash, homey

I know I haven't been around for a while, but I've been involved in a bitter salary dispute here at the law factory and I haven't had the mental energy to put up any new posts. I'm worried sick about this fucking thing and I haven't slept very well for the past few days, but I don't want to ignore the 'snorts.

So all we get for one of our starting OG's last year, Chris Meyers is a 6th round pick? Something is fishy about this. I don't know what the logic is here. I know he would probably be returning to a back up role, but the starter missed all of last season with a concussion. A concussion. You're really pinning your hopes on this guy staying healthy all year? I don't know.

Is Denver stockpiling draft picks to move up in round 1? They're currently sitting on a first, a second, two fourths, two fifths, one sixth and two sevenths. If they're planning on making a run, who are they looking at? Glenn Dorsey? Sedrick Ellis? Vernon Gholston? Jeff Otah? Knowing Shanny, it's probably someone that would be available in round 4.

That's all for me right now. Paymah, bitches!

There's no one left to blame now

OUT: Ted Sundquist, GM


Well, this really doesn't make much sense. Something obviously had to have happened last night, because I don't think you could pick a worst time of the year to fire a GM. The draft is a little over a month away. You want your player evaluators to be around for that, right?

But lets be serious. The only player evaluator that matters around these parts is Shanahan. Sundquist was pretty much nothing more than his lapdog. None of the final decisions were his. Shanny is in charge of every aspect of this team. His only boss is Bowlen.

So why fire him? I know Sundquist, seeking more (or some) authority threw his hat into the ring for a couple of GM jobs, but he never made the cut. He was stuck here, bending to Shanny's every crazy whim and bonehead decision. Jim Armstrong was on the 950 this morning telling a story of the 1999 draft when Shanny went against every one of his scouts, evaluators and Sundquist and picked Travis McGriff in the third round. They were all appalled by the choice, and it turns out they were correct. Something must have come to a head last night. There was some kind of blow up and now Shanny's unwilling yes-man is gone.

This is a seriously bizarre story. This morning Mark Kiszla published an unsolicited email from Sundquist he got back in December, detailing his frustrations with his position and the organization. It's a good read, but you still suck balls, Kiszla. Here are the choice quotes:

I'm personally willing to stand up for the decisions that have been made, but understand I don't necessarily agree with them...The question isn't whether Mike is getting the right advice, as much as how it is being used. I think the assumption that our personnel department has somehow let him down and that Denver needs to hire a 'guru' to get things right is a bit off

This is Mike Shanahan's team, and don't you ever forget it.

I've had enough. You've got one more year, coach. If there isn't some significant improvement, it's time for us to move in another direction.

You mockin' me?

I'll be participating in a mock draft over at Mile High Report, even though they stubbornly refuse to add me to their blogroll.

They're letting everyone decide which team they want to pick for on a first-come, first-serve basis. I arrived late to the party, but somehow the first overall pick was still available, so I decided to go for the low hanging fruit.

I could just be a total jack-off and say I'm taking Jordan Dizon #1 overall, but I'm going to actually do some half-assed research and see if I can nail down a respectable choice.

I'll check out the local rags and blogs and the, ugh...message boards (I can barely stand the Broncos boards, so I'm really not looking forward to reading theirs) and see if I can make an informed, reasonable choice. This might be tough for a guy who recentely voted for Ron Paul

I personally believe that the only positions worth taking with a top 5 pick are QB and DE. Trade down if there isn't a franchise type of player there, but that's just me. Fatty-boombalatty/losing head coach of the 1998 AFC Championship game up there may disagree.

There's one name running through my head right now and since I just told you what I like, you may be able to figure out who it is. Let's see how it's shakes out.

Yes to these

IN: Marlon McRee, S


IN: Marquand Manuel, S


Good moves here. We desperately need safeties and these guys will do just fine. McCree killed the Donks everytime we played SD, so we don't have to worry about that anymore. Also, we wont have to worry about him cheap-shotting our wideouts anymore. He'll push John Lynch for the FS slot and if they've got any sense at Dove Valley, he'll win that competition.

I don't know much about Manual. Anyone? He should compete w/ Hamza Abdullah for the starting SS job. Assuming Hamza is still around that is.

Our safety depth (and starters - yeah, I'm still talking shit about you John Lynch) was pathetic, so getting some fresh (able - yep, that's another crack at you Johnny) bodies in there is a good move.

Hey, but Mr. Lombardi, though...

Normally I not much of a Vic Lombardi fan. He's too much of a ball-washing sycophant for my tastes. In fact, I kind of hate every one on the CBS 4 team. Gary Miller is nothing more than a four hundred dollar hair cut and Reggie Rivers is better off doing his round-table discussions with questionable experts and taking calls from filthy hippies and 105 year old ladies (I saw Reggie at the mall in Grand Junkyard one random day back in high school. He was signing a backboard at the Foot Locker).

Here though, Lombardi is pretty good. Javon Walker is trying, and failing miserably, to explain why he's such a little whiny ass girl bitch. Lombardi lets him ramble too long and he lets him off the hook at the end, but otherwise he's not bad. He only asks him about five questions but he asks the right ones.

Here are the answers: my knee was fine, I love Brandon, they should have told me earlier if they wanted me to take a pay cut, they're lying when they say I'm going to need a microfracture surgery in the next couple of years, I like penis, Jamarcus Russell is better than Jay Cutler, I swear I'm a good guy, my knee was fine, I generously let Brandon get to 100 catches last year, the raiders gave me ten times more money than anyone else would have, I like penis, I'm not a bad guy, you're only as good as the receiver on the other side, my mohawk looks stupid, I like penis...

Who? The sequel

IN: Edell Sheperd, WR

Here's another guy I've never heard of. That's not surprising, because Edell was out of football last year. He was most recently with the Lions in 2006 and spent a couple seasons in Tampa before that. His career stats are such a joke, I'm not going to even bother listing them.

This guy is clearly here to compete w/ Glenn "The Truth" Martinez, Andre Hall and who knows who else for the kick and punt return jobs.

Another huge free agent signing by the Donks.

The Boss of all Bosses

IN: Boss Bailey, SLB


Champ's baby brother joins the fold, sigining a 5yr, $17.5M deal w/ a $4.3M signing bonus. I like this move. He was a little bit of a dissapointment in Detroit, but I really think that simply playing with his brother will make him a better player. Who's not going to play hard for their all-world, big bro? He's gotta go back home to his family every Thanksgiving and hear from his other brothers Superstud and Noteworthy and his sister Beautiful about how good Champ is, how many interceptions Champ has, how Champ is the greatest CB since Deion Sanders, etc. It must drive Boss crazy.

Anyway, Mike Klis over at the D-Post is creaming his jeans about the size of the new starting LB corps. I don't know, maybe. Bigger isn't always better (that's what the girls always tell me anyway), but the D was so bad last year that anything is an improvement.

I'm still not completely sold on having DJ change positions again, but all I hear is how smart and athletic this Niko guy is, so maybe it's not a bad idea.

And we've still got Nate Webster, Jamie Winborn and Jordan Beck on the roster. Pretty good depth there.

Check out old no. 7's list of Bailey family children.

Of course they did.

Seriously people. It's time to put Al Davis in a hospice. The end has to be coming soon for the delusional old buzzard, right? I mean, why else would a franchise give a malcontent wideout with two major knee surgeries under his belt and a mouth that has run him out of two towns $55M over 6 years? With $16M guaranteed!

Couple this with the 7 year, $50M deal they gave to some guy named Tommy Kelly (making him the highest paid DT in the NFL, by the way) and it further shows just how incompetent the entire franchise is from top to bottom.

Hell, even good teammates and high character guys get disgruntled in Oakland. What do you think is going to happen with Javon? I think he might actually set the complex on fire.

Check out old no. 7's take on this over at the House Of Georges. Good stuff.

Marijuana IS a gateway drug (update)

Marcus Thomas -- arrested for cocaine possession. He was a passenger in a car where Clay County (FL) police found some sniff in the center console. He and the driver both denied it was theirs and surprise, surprise, the cops cuffed and stuffed them both.

UPDATE: This article has much more info (and the hilarious mugshot), so I'm just deleting the rest of the old post. It sucked anyway.

It's not as bad for him as it first looked. The driver said the coke was his and Thomas took a piss test later that morning which came back clean. I assume this guy's going to cop to the weed, too. Like Melo's boy did.

Unfortunately, there was also a .380 registered to the driver in the glove box. Oops. Some hillbilly county mounties nearly blew our starting DT's head off because his buddy wouldn't stop reaching for his fucking piece:

"Officers Joel Grant and Edward Kaczkowski said that when the driver, Bryce Carter, was asked to show his license and registration, Carter reached into the glove box. In the box, the officers spotted a black and silver semi-automatic pistol, according to the reports.

At that point, the officers said they told everyone in the car to put their hands up, but Carter allegedly continued to reach inside the glove box. Carter was instructed several times to take his hand out of the glove box and away from the gun.

Carter and Thomas were then ordered out of the gray Ford F-150, placed in custody and read their Miranda rights."

You got lucky this time, Marcus. Get some new fucking friends.

Who?

IN: Niko Koutouvides, MLB


I've never heard of this guy. I have nothing on him. Apparently he's a specail teams beast, which is good. He's also apparently "competing" for the starting MLB job. What? I guess I'm the only guy that thinks DJ moving from strong-side to middle to weak-side over the course of three seasons is detremental to him as well as the team? It took him about half the season to get comfortable in the middle, and he was actually pretty damn good late in the season. Now we want to give him a new position to learn? I know he played weak side in college and in his rookie year, but shit man, this will be his fifth season. Do we really want him starting over?

IN: Keary Colbert, WR

Slow, drops a lot of passes, 32 catches for 332 yards and 0 TD's last year, peaked his rookie year when he had 47 catches for 754 yards and 5 TD's, no better than the fourth option on this team.

I don't know what the money is but if it's more than $1M this is not a good decision. UPDATE: It's a three year deal for $2.5M per. This deal = Not a good decision.

WR's still available: Marty Booker, Cocaine Eyes Caldwell, Bryant Johnson, Jabar Gaffney, DJ Hackett, Randy Moss, etc. I know Moss is a fantasy, but there are still a bunch of guys available that I'd take over Colbert.

Fine, but this is it.

IN: John Lynch

He re-worked his deal and he'll be back for another season of over-running the play, getting beat badly underneath and making an occassional big hit on a crossing play.

He was pretty classy about being asked to take a pay cut, though:

"And then I woke up thinking, "What am I doing?" I've got four kids who are happy here. I've found a home here and I didn't want to be one of those guys going from team to team. I felt I had earned what I had coming to me but sometimes you have to step back and look at the big picture. And the big picture to me was: I had to find a way to make this work."

At some point, Lynch is going to be one of the best football talking heads on TV. I just wish he was on the airwaves this fall.

There better be competition for the starting spot.